Well…

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:47 pm } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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To end my weekend…I am a wee bit pissed, and blogging. Quite possibly not a good combination. I cannot help but feel a bit weak, a lot sad and extremely lost. I wish that R and I could stop fighting…it seems that everytime I call, or he calls me, we end up arguing. How depressing. It is hard, becuase we aren’t communicating anymore. He even says that he can’t tell what I am thinking anymore…Am I really beginning to shut myself off from him? I just cannot bear the thought of bringing him down…I cannot bring myself to share how I am really, truly feeling. I just can’t. I know I SHOULD, but something stops me every single damned time…

I feel sad. Speck should have still been nestled away, safe inside of me…12 weeks I should have been, just beginning to tell people. Speck wouldn’t have been a Speck…Speck would have been a proper little human, with eyes, legs, nails and a little tiny beating heart….You would be smiling my little angel…SMILING!!! I am so sorry that my body let you down, let your big sister down…I can only wish, pray, that this does not strike me again…2 miscarriages are enough…I don’t know what I will do if it happens again…

Deepdreamer

 

No title, no feelings.

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:14 am } · { Amost married life, Family, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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How can you be perfecty fine one minute and telling memy attitude is ”not fucking good enough” the next? And THEN be totally fine the next? HOW does that work!? 

R and I had a fight- over the phone- about something that started out as so trivial… I did a favour for my friend and the we began arguing about how I do too much for other people and get nothing in return…I dont know why I do it. Too keen to please maybe? Long story short, I was trying to explain the whole confusing situation to him, and apparrently I get this “tone” in my voice. Before I know it, he is telling me to shut up because he refuses to talk to me when I am like that…

LIKE WHAT???

I try again, to explain it in a calmer tone,  but the moment is gone. I just want to get off the phone before I get angry and say things I don’t mean… As susual, I can’t help it- I cry. I think it gets through to him and he eases up. “Sorry” he says…it can’t take it back, all of the things you said.

He carries on as normal, all the while I am thinking “please just go away…please let me cry in peace…” and he tries to cheer me up.

His piece of ‘cheering up news’ was to tell me that his mate at work, his partner is pregnant, about 12 weeks along….the exact amount that I should have been with Speck….I cry more.  He asked me if I was ok, and I said yes. It hurt alot, knowing that her baby will be due at the same time as mine should have been….What a horrible weekend. I slept well that night, needless to say…I slept the sleep of the exhausted. Crying takes a lot out of me….

He thinks everything is fine, but I am afraid I cannot forget… Yesterday was a hard day of trying not to let our fight get to me…I knew that if someone so much as looked at me wrong, I would cry. I spent the afternoon chatting to other mums and taking it easy. I have a new book, so it distracted me from the real world.

Hopefully this sad, down mood will lift and I can feel like I want to talk to R. I just can’t talk to him at the moment….I can’t.

I can’t win :(

Deepdreamer

 

{ November 10, 2009 @ 1:13 pm } · { Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories }
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I tell myself each time I pick up a book “Don’t read about anything related to pregnancy or babies” or anything that would get me upset. I picked up “Three Seasons” by Jane Hansen, an Australian journalist and war correspondant. I thought to myself “fabulous! An exciting read, and bonus! She’s Aussie too!”

As I got into the book, it turned out that it wasn’t just about her ventures overseas and dodging landmines in Iraq, little sleep, no life… It was Jane’s battle with becoming a mother.

“OH GOD DAMN IT!!” my brain shouted to me…I always do this…

However, this book is one of those ones that can honestly go down as one of those ones that really and truly change your life…

At 38, she began her journey to motherhood. Out of the 4 pregnancies she concieved, she lost 2 of them- one baby at 10 weeks into the pregnancy, and another baby at 19 weeks- a baby called Thomas.

During her 3rd pregnancy, she went into labour at 26 weeks, giving birth to her son Jackson. Little Jackson’ story has been told beautifully by his mother, his fight for life, his amazing struggle…It made me smile, laugh and above all, it made me cry. So very much…his poor mother and father…their journey was a long one! And one well worth it. Jackson was so very worth it, despite what people may think.

Only critisism, as is with anyone who has gone to have a more ’signifiant’ loss ( later stage pregnancy loss, still birth), as much as it does hurt…I was disappointed to see that the baby she miscarried- the first baby she lost- only got a few pages dedicated to him or her…it only resonates with me because it makes me feel as though what I have gone through with both of my babies, it is not importnant…that the grief is ‘better’, it is sadder to lost a baby further along…I thought the pain was all the same, regardless. It has left me wondering if the devestation that I feel over Lily and Speck..how much worse would it have been if I had lost them later into my pregnancies? If I had lost them at 20 weeks, 30 weeks, full term…

I guess that the reason losing them has hit me so hard is simply becuase I was so young…17 and 20 respectivley is too young to know the horrors and grief of losing a child ( in my case, children) to miscarriage. I should not know this horrible world, this club, that we are all members of…

Above all, if you are going to read one life changing book, read this one!!! It has made me appreciate my angel babies just that little more, made me appreciate my life and everything I have…

Sleep well little Jackson

Deepdreamer

 

Lessons I have learned in life so far…

{ November 7, 2009 @ 8:12 am } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Uni }
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1: The customer is always right- even when they’re yelling in your face!

2: Just because I have had 2 miscarriages before I was 21, it does not mean that people get to judge me.

3: Cutting and other forms of self harm are not a good way to deal with my emotions following my m/c’s.

4: Buying clothes that ‘look’ as though they will fit, probably won’t….try them on!

5: off milk and mouldy bread ARE going to give you food poisoning :D

6: Fish/pets in general cannot feed themselves- otherwise they die!

7: Teenage kids in schools are turds…

8:My friends know more about me than my parents do…

9: My finace is my best friend- your partner should be your friend above all else!

10: My life so far does not define the rest of my life…just becuase I have had a difficult few years, does not mean that I do not deserve what I want- to finish uni, be a great teacher, get married, have a family, live in my white-picket fenced home with my 2 dogs and live the simple life….it’s all I want…. The last 5 years of my life do not mean that I woll not get this!

 

Weightloss and fitness…

{ November 6, 2009 @ 4:21 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Well…I have found a diet lifestyle change that I think I can stick to… Heather ( yummysushipajamas) gave me the idea…I looked into it and it sounds really good!

I am not one for dieting, becuase quite frankly, at 5′10′, and almost 60kgs, I don’t need it, but this revolves around healthy eating, excersise and ALCOHOL- that’s right…alcohol! Well, red wine anyway…only prob is, I can’t drink red…I’, a white girl! But I am sure we’ll find our way around it!

Essentially, the diet has emphasis on lots of fresh fruit and veg, seafood as a main part of my intake, in place of meat, some dairy and poultry, with red meat and sweets being consumed occasionally….

Along with regular excersise and lots of water…I reckon I can do this! It’s not a diet! It’s a lifestyle change!!!

Deepdreamer

I am still here!!!!

{ November 5, 2009 @ 1:06 pm } · { Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Uni }
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Really….Not much to report I guess- uni is still going, although last classes this week, and exams next week. On the 12th of November, I am a free woman!!!!

Still trying to find a house- lots of looking, lots of getting confused about which house is which online, lots of knockbacks, lots of competition!

A bit of a stall on LL, but I figure it’s all good…I will get the whole thing going…after uni wraps up for the year!

I am going home in a few weeks- about the 16th or 17th I think…just off for a few days to pack up my remaining gear I have at my parents house, then back down to officially move in to a new house ( if we get one by then). It should be nice- all my friends are pumped to see me again, and I am looking forward to ‘date’ night with R, and some fine local cuisine and a biiiiggg glass of wine. It will be fab!

That’s really it- uni, packing, house hunting, travelling…that’s about it for now folks!

Deepdreamer

-unkown author-

{ October 28, 2009 @ 2:33 pm } · { Uncategorized }
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every heartbeat
crafting a son of love
living inside
your heaven and earth
—(life inside a mother’s womb)

threads of life wovened within
bathing love in between
first heart beat tickling
decrescendo in beating

 

hopes. dreams. shattered

silence

…

tears. life. lost

lost. love. found

found. serenity. peace

 

my love for the unborn child
cherishing the eternal of temperance
that you have given me

My life, in dot points…

{ October 28, 2009 @ 2:25 pm } · { Baby number 2, Family, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts, Uni }
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Here’s a list of the things I have going on in my life right now that are making me stress out a bit…

-Finishing uni for the year- I have 2 assessments and 2 exams to go- I finish by the 11th Novemeber

-Finding a house- R and myself as well as my current house mate need somewhere to live by the time our lease is up on December 6th, so ideally, we need somewhere by about the 22nd November.

-Talking about Speck with R- I can’t talk about it….

-Lily’s Legacy- I STILL need to find people to photograph… how do I ask someone “hey I need a photo of you and your baby in ‘x’ pose/your pregnant belly…” I will work it out… Still have to sort out HOW it will all work- mainly via email though….and as for payments? Maybe just straight into a bank account or my Paypal? R also has no idea of what I do with this work either, and I *suspect* he wil find out when we move in together…I will tell him.

-Parentals- both my mum and dad aren’t thrilled with R and I moving in together, R’s parents are pissed at me becuase they think I am walking all over him and not keeping him involved with the house hunting…sheesh….

-Friends- trying to catch up with everyone is just not happening…

-Angel Mums and Dads- trying to be supportive and ‘there’ both through LL, and on FB, all while trying to deal with my recent loss. It’s hard work and I feel as though I am neglecting everyone, in particular, Kirsten… ( love to you)

{ October 27, 2009 @ 6:54 am } · { Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage }
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I went to have dinner with a close friend last night. We were tucking into dinner, dicussing life and stuff in general. I have watched her go through so much over the last 4 or so years, sturggles with body image and weight, happiness and pressure on herself to do well…She knows about Lily and what I went through- 3 years ago now. We were in the middle of dinner- literally mid-mouthful- and she begins to talk to me about Lily. I just about choked on my food, not expecting the random turn in conversation, my baby all of a sudden being talked about like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I guess it was her round-about way of telling me what she did. She eventually shared with me that in 2008 she and her boyfriend fell pregnant- she was just 18. She got tp 12 weeks when she lost her baby.

I think I am glad that we were out, at a restaurant when she shared that with me, and our conversation turned to miscarriage, the pain and the hurt, and how you never really get over it, my work with AB and the communtiy, as well as my work now with Lily’s Legacy.

I shoud mention, however that I was unable to utter a word about my ‘new’ baby- Little Speck, my baby I lost 3 weeks ago…I just could not say it….What is wrong with me? I guess the second time, it has been different. I did not let myself dream of my new baby, I try not to think of him. I do not speak his name.

HE DOES NOT HAVE A NAME! Speck does not have a name….I cannot bear the heartbreaking decision of what to call him. Speck  is just my nickname for what the baby was- just a speck. But ‘[a life is a life, no matter how small’. Should I give Speck a proper name?

I feel so guilty, so sad, so…empty. Maybe the pain will go away faster if I do not think or remember him….

I am yet to introduce her to my ‘part time’ world, to the people who I am helping, to the people who are helping me every day- to heal.

And I will heal- one day.

Deepdreamer

I am…

{ October 25, 2009 @ 11:48 am } · { Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage }
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Feeling as though I am sliding into an awful drpression again…

Oh my little guy, why couldn’t you stay here with me? I know it was not the time for a baby- I still have 2 years of uni to go, your daddy and I are still living apart- til next month anyway- I am flat out with ‘life’ in general, and yet there you were. Little heartbeat I could hear..your presence stopping my world. I wanted you from the moment I found out about you..

In my heart, I know it was not your time…you were needed for something bigger. Although, what that is, I will never know.

I hope that wherever you are, you are happy and healthy…I hope your big sister Lily is looking after you, and all of my angel mums and dad’s babies are your friends. I hope you are not alone and scared…I hope you are alive and free. I hope you are better off, wherever you are…without me to look after you.

Please look over me, and be nice to your big sister!

I love you.

Deepdreamer

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