The things dreams are made of…

{ February 5, 2010 @ 2:24 am } · { Family and Friends, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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In my dream, I was awaiting for my friend Bec at an ultrasound clinic. She was running late. She must have been still pregnant. She rang me and said she was not going to be able to make it. The nurse and the technitian who were waiting with me got annoyed, so I saids I was 12 weeks pregnant, why don’t they do me instard, give me the scan. I am lead into a room, I lay down on the bed, and was quickly and efficintly given both an internal and external scan. They girl could not find the baby at all- she went to get another doctor.He came in and tried again, saying “don’t worry- there it is”. But it wasnt a baby. He went on to explain that it was a chemical pregnancy, hence the positive test result. I began to sob. 12 weeks, to result in a sac of cells thst wasn’t even a baby.

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The dream that I had this morning has left me shaken, panicy and desperate for a baby. I fought off a panic attack in the shower…I then went out. My licence was up for renewal, so I had to go the the center, where OF COURSE, there were no less than 3- count them- THREE- women with babies. I stuck my nose in my book until my number was called 45 minutes later.

I then had to go shopping for my soon to be 2 years old god-son. I was ok with wandering around the kiddie toy section, debating over a tricycle, a bubble bower, playdough or paints, when I accidentally wandered into the newborn section, the bit where all the baby hygine products are. It smelled like baby lotion and pwder- that distinct smell that all babies have. The familiar tighteness in my chest returned and my breath became very rapid. I fought back tears as I remembered my dream. I got myself out of there as fast as I could, deep breaths slowly calming me.

I wound up getting him a My First Learning book, some Crayola finger paints, and a pad of paper for him to send me pictures. I sure hope he likes it…

Deepdreamer

How are you?

{ February 2, 2010 @ 3:44 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Oh how this question is filled with so many different answers.

“Good”

“Fine”

” I am not ok today”

” I feel like shit”

” I am missing my babies today”

A question so simple has so many answers, and yet most of them seem wrong. So I lie.

And say I am fine.

It’s not what you think…

{ January 27, 2010 @ 2:23 am } · { Baby number 2, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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A friend of mine is having some issues with coping with the loss of her precious angel. One of her ways of coping is through self harm. She confided in me about this, and it took me back. I understand, was all I could think. I totally get where you are coming from. I did not tell her NOT to do it. I know all too well where the feelings to cut come from. Too well. It is a hard feeling to deal with. I self harmed for 2 years prior to losing Lily. In my teenage years, it was my way of coping with being bullied at school, hating the way I looked, trying to keep myself thin, coping with change, and in some parts, a cry for attention from a certain person ( previously generally referred to as “you”). It was a way to realease the feelings of darkness, the feelings of hatred I had for myself.

And then I fell pregnant.

And miscarried my very much loved baby.

When I was 17.

And so a day after it happened, I marked my wrists with scars so deep that I can still see them, even 3 years on.

I used a razor blade, calm as anything, sliced into my pale skin, and left 6 long, reasonably deep cuts. I could not cry. I used the only way of release I could think of at the time.  It was the way I coped. And I only ever did it once. I have never ever cut since. I guess it was the enormity of the event. Nothing has ever compared to that. Everything else that I used to harm about, it all seemed insignifiant. Petty. Pathetic. I had lost a baby.

I am 20 now, and I am in a better head space. Most days. I still have the very blade that I used to mark Lily’s existence on the inside of my left arm. It sits in it’s box, hidden. But ready. Always ready.

Self harming is a difficult thing to stop doing, and it is incredibly difficult not to turn back to it as a coping mecanism. And I know how hard it is to stop, to avoid going back to it.

My beautiful friend, THIS is why I did not tell you to stop. I understand.

…

{ January 15, 2010 @ 12:23 am } · { Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories }
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I find myself quashing the thoughts I so very frequently have- about having a baby, about not baing able to actually carry and keep a baby. I find myself mentally trying to shake myself out of it, screaming inside of my head ‘It was just a miscarriage- get over it!’ I then physically shake myself- THAT is society telling me that it was just a miscarriage. To me it wasn’t just anything. It was the loss of a life, the loss of the future. My hopes, my dreams, for my baby shattered- twice. TWICE. I dread the day- and the fear, and the knowledge, when I can say that I have lost three, four, five babies- god knows how many, and when it will end. It will be the day that I close off completely, shut off from everything, from the world. Twice is enough. Please. No more.

How though, does it work, that I seem to be feeling ( in general) better- mentally, physically,emotionally, about my latest miscarriage? How come it seems to be easier- if such a thing exists? Maturity? An ability to cope better> Resilience? I believe it was wearing my grief like a coat for three years- everyday, I wore this coat. I still do- but now, it is more of a cardigain- light, but still there. I think wearing a heavy coat allowed me to shed it for a cardigain. It helped me handle my latest loss easier.

Well…

{ January 7, 2010 @ 2:07 am } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories }
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It has been well and truly over a month since I have properly updated, and I have had so much happen that I cannot think straight!

Let’s see…Christmas was a quiet affair, spent with my wonderful fiance, my family and his family. Sepearate events, of course! I did have a little cry for my babies, but only a little one. I am proud of myself this year.

2 litle precious babies arrived over December. My close friend, previously mentioned as ‘S’, gave birth to her little girl on the 20th of December. I had forgotten just how tiny a brand new  baby is! I am so proud of my 2 god children. I hope that their tiny lives bring them all they could hope for.

A friend of mine from uni also had her baby- Dec 27th, I think…Still waiting to meet her little boy, and I can’t wait. I was the designated person for buying the gift for her, so  I spent yesterday trawling the stores for some lovely  gifts. I have to admit, it was hard, but I swallowed my pain and kept going. As opposed to breaking down in the middle of the shopping center.

We wound up getting her and the baby:

-A onsie with no feet- perfect for our hot Australian summer

-2 pairs of booties

-a 7 pack of bibs- one for each day!

-A 3 pack of jumpsuits in lovley little colours

-4 muslin wraps in bright orange, green, blue and purple

-New PJ’s for mum

-A Natio ( skincare) giftpack

I always remember that mum wants to be looked after as well, so we hope we’ve covered them both well :)

We had friends from my home-town come to stay with us for New Years, which was really nice. A good few days filled with drinking, eating and more drinking!

Other than that, not much has been going on. Just work really. I am leading a fairly boring life these days! Will update properly, and soon!

xo Deepdreamer

Things have been quiet…

{ December 14, 2009 @ 6:27 am } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Uni }
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I have been without the net for 2 weeks now…Not that it is a bad thing. I said that I would be using my 3 and a half month break from uni to really get stuck into LL, but I think that this little hiatus has done me good. It has given me a chance to really get settled into my new house, slowly but surely furnish it and really turn it into a home. I even spent time sanding, stripping, staining and varishing our dining table! I am THE least DIY person ever, so I was pretty proud of myself.

I got my results for uni- early may I add! A Distinction for 2 classes, a Credit for one , and a P for PASS in my prac. So overall, not disappointed. I am satisfied. And detemined to do better next year. I guess I did ok, given everything that I have been through this semester. If I can discover that I was pregnant, and then miscarry my baby, and still come out with ok marks, I think I can do anything.

On the subject of the m/c, I am really feeling ok. I am so surprised. I guess it being my second has made a difference. I feel sad, but it isn’t the grab in your stomach, the ache in your heart, the spinning in my head, all of those horrible sensations I had when I lost Lily 3 years ago.

The Christmas season is aways hard for angel parents. The knowledge that our chidren should be here with us, here talking about what Santa is going to be bringing them, taking them to show them the christmas lights in the neighborhood, quelling their excitment on Christmas eve, watching the joy on their faces as they open their gifts, spending time with their family…They SHOUD be here with us to help celebrate…but they aren’t. Lily should be almost 3 now- in March. She’d be so excited about Christmas. Lily would laso be very excited about the arrival of her baby brother, who SHOULD be about 15 weeks old inside of his mother. I SHOULD be looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my children, but instead I have empty arms, and not even a tree for them. It is not that I’m NOT looking forward to the Christmas season, it’s just that it should be so very different…

I think 2010 is going to be a year where I throw myself into my studies- and to do well…it will also be a year where I use LL to really make a differentce to other parent’s lives. It will be the year that I look after my poor body, excersise and eat well, and maintiain a positive mental state. It will be a year where R and I are more in love, and more in touch than ever. I love him so much and still feel guilty about letting him down. 2010 will be a better year.

And on that note, I WILL be back….soon. Hope everyone is well and that the Christmas season is treating you all gently.

Deepdreamer

This is how I am…

{ November 29, 2009 @ 1:38 pm } · { Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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It is funny ( not really funny- funny strange) how a picture can sum up how we are feeling, whereas we often cannot find the words to express it… This is where my love for art and art teaching comes from- it is another outlet, a derivation of our sub-conscious, it is  a way to express visually what we cannot speak of verbally.

Well…

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:47 pm } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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To end my weekend…I am a wee bit pissed, and blogging. Quite possibly not a good combination. I cannot help but feel a bit weak, a lot sad and extremely lost. I wish that R and I could stop fighting…it seems that everytime I call, or he calls me, we end up arguing. How depressing. It is hard, becuase we aren’t communicating anymore. He even says that he can’t tell what I am thinking anymore…Am I really beginning to shut myself off from him? I just cannot bear the thought of bringing him down…I cannot bring myself to share how I am really, truly feeling. I just can’t. I know I SHOULD, but something stops me every single damned time…

I feel sad. Speck should have still been nestled away, safe inside of me…12 weeks I should have been, just beginning to tell people. Speck wouldn’t have been a Speck…Speck would have been a proper little human, with eyes, legs, nails and a little tiny beating heart….You would be smiling my little angel…SMILING!!! I am so sorry that my body let you down, let your big sister down…I can only wish, pray, that this does not strike me again…2 miscarriages are enough…I don’t know what I will do if it happens again…

Deepdreamer

 

No title, no feelings.

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:14 am } · { Amost married life, Family, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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How can you be perfecty fine one minute and telling memy attitude is ”not fucking good enough” the next? And THEN be totally fine the next? HOW does that work!? 

R and I had a fight- over the phone- about something that started out as so trivial… I did a favour for my friend and the we began arguing about how I do too much for other people and get nothing in return…I dont know why I do it. Too keen to please maybe? Long story short, I was trying to explain the whole confusing situation to him, and apparrently I get this “tone” in my voice. Before I know it, he is telling me to shut up because he refuses to talk to me when I am like that…

LIKE WHAT???

I try again, to explain it in a calmer tone,  but the moment is gone. I just want to get off the phone before I get angry and say things I don’t mean… As susual, I can’t help it- I cry. I think it gets through to him and he eases up. “Sorry” he says…it can’t take it back, all of the things you said.

He carries on as normal, all the while I am thinking “please just go away…please let me cry in peace…” and he tries to cheer me up.

His piece of ‘cheering up news’ was to tell me that his mate at work, his partner is pregnant, about 12 weeks along….the exact amount that I should have been with Speck….I cry more.  He asked me if I was ok, and I said yes. It hurt alot, knowing that her baby will be due at the same time as mine should have been….What a horrible weekend. I slept well that night, needless to say…I slept the sleep of the exhausted. Crying takes a lot out of me….

He thinks everything is fine, but I am afraid I cannot forget… Yesterday was a hard day of trying not to let our fight get to me…I knew that if someone so much as looked at me wrong, I would cry. I spent the afternoon chatting to other mums and taking it easy. I have a new book, so it distracted me from the real world.

Hopefully this sad, down mood will lift and I can feel like I want to talk to R. I just can’t talk to him at the moment….I can’t.

I can’t win :(

Deepdreamer

 

{ November 10, 2009 @ 1:13 pm } · { Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories }
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I tell myself each time I pick up a book “Don’t read about anything related to pregnancy or babies” or anything that would get me upset. I picked up “Three Seasons” by Jane Hansen, an Australian journalist and war correspondant. I thought to myself “fabulous! An exciting read, and bonus! She’s Aussie too!”

As I got into the book, it turned out that it wasn’t just about her ventures overseas and dodging landmines in Iraq, little sleep, no life… It was Jane’s battle with becoming a mother.

“OH GOD DAMN IT!!” my brain shouted to me…I always do this…

However, this book is one of those ones that can honestly go down as one of those ones that really and truly change your life…

At 38, she began her journey to motherhood. Out of the 4 pregnancies she concieved, she lost 2 of them- one baby at 10 weeks into the pregnancy, and another baby at 19 weeks- a baby called Thomas.

During her 3rd pregnancy, she went into labour at 26 weeks, giving birth to her son Jackson. Little Jackson’ story has been told beautifully by his mother, his fight for life, his amazing struggle…It made me smile, laugh and above all, it made me cry. So very much…his poor mother and father…their journey was a long one! And one well worth it. Jackson was so very worth it, despite what people may think.

Only critisism, as is with anyone who has gone to have a more ’signifiant’ loss ( later stage pregnancy loss, still birth), as much as it does hurt…I was disappointed to see that the baby she miscarried- the first baby she lost- only got a few pages dedicated to him or her…it only resonates with me because it makes me feel as though what I have gone through with both of my babies, it is not importnant…that the grief is ‘better’, it is sadder to lost a baby further along…I thought the pain was all the same, regardless. It has left me wondering if the devestation that I feel over Lily and Speck..how much worse would it have been if I had lost them later into my pregnancies? If I had lost them at 20 weeks, 30 weeks, full term…

I guess that the reason losing them has hit me so hard is simply becuase I was so young…17 and 20 respectivley is too young to know the horrors and grief of losing a child ( in my case, children) to miscarriage. I should not know this horrible world, this club, that we are all members of…

Above all, if you are going to read one life changing book, read this one!!! It has made me appreciate my angel babies just that little more, made me appreciate my life and everything I have…

Sleep well little Jackson

Deepdreamer

 

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