Archive for December, 2008

Forward looking thoughts

{ December 30, 2008 @ 6:09 am } · { Amost married life, Lily, Uni }
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I am hoping 2009 will bring as much joy and as many challenges as 2008 did. Its been a big year for me as a person, and I feel as thought I have grown from it.
It has been a year where I have accepted and come to terms with the loss of Lily- 2 years on. It has been a long, painful journey, but I DID IT! I will never forget her, or how she touched my life, but I’m here still. I’m at the end of the tunnel. I thought I’d never make it.

Its also been a year of new experiences, where I have moved away from home for good and have a totally new life for myself. Living in the city has been an adventure, one where I have met so many people and have seen so many new things.

Being away from my fiance for most of the year makes us cherish the time we have together, and we are one of the few couples who have a long distance relationship that WORKS! We are happily in love and wouldn’t change a thing for now.

2008 has also been a year where I have followed through with something…” I am going to…” starts off many sentences, but ‘I am going to uni to become a teacher’ is one that I’VE ACTUALLY PERSUED!

It has been a challenging, fun and rewarding experience for me, and is just the beginning of my journey into teaching. I cannot wait to make a difference to my student’s lives and inspire them to succeed in what ever path they should choose to follow.

I am not really sure if someone out there is following my blog, or if anyone has even tubled upon it, but to those who read this, all the best for the Festive season and best wishes for 2009…

Deepdreamer

Home of a Different Kind…

{ December 14, 2008 @ 9:18 am } · { Uncategorized }
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After reading my housemate’s blog, Martin, it made me reflect on how Student Village life has become a new type of home to me..

The other half is right- my childhood home is no longer ‘home’. I have made a new life for myself at Uni, somewhere that feels right, whereas I feel slightly uncomfortable, and certainly on the outer at home. Cricket is the typical dinner conversation, which leaves me feeling frustrated.

I guess I should be thankful for the fact i HAVE a roof over my head, given that things should be so much worse. I am thankful for what I have, I just wish things could be different…

Economic Crisis hits Home…

{ December 8, 2008 @ 10:15 am } · { Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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It has been a trying day of frustration, tears and ‘what is wrong with me?’ For weeks now, I have been saying “I will worry about the economic crisis when it hits ME” and up til today, I could not see the effects of it on everyday life.

While I am home for the uni break, I was relying on a transfer through a major supermarket chain for work over the 8 weeks, but because of the crisis, they weren’t willing to put me on. I wandered back to a few places where I have previously worked, even to places where I hadn’t, only to get the same response.

“Not hiring at the moment- it’s been really quiet”

So for this retail expert/teacher wannabe, it was a trialling day.

I could be whining about having my leg severed by a tree, or my dog died, or something WORTH whinging about, but the fact that I cannot work because of something that is not my fault is really taking its toll on my self-esteem. I need to be doing something…

So anyway, after all this running around, I took a step back and thought about my situation, realising that I should go back to the beginning. So I did. And hopefully have a job out of it as a deli assistant.

WAAAAAY down on the bottom of my list of jobs to do over summer, but hey. Take what you can in this time of financial uncertainty…

Deepdreamer

Poem

{ December 3, 2008 @ 6:52 am } · { Rambles and stories }
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Why is it…
That when you feel like crying, you laugh instead, to cover up the pain?
You lie and say ‘I’m fine’… when its pretty damned obvious that you’re not.
That you sing instead of scream.
Why do we pretend our lives aren’t falling apart at the seams, when its clear that it is.
Why do we pretend that past events don’t still haunt us, keep the thoughts and memories, pretend we’re over it…
Why do our dreams show us what we really want?
Why the hell can’t we just turn the clock back and go back to those moments we all wish could have been differen’t

Home Sweet Home Again

{ December 3, 2008 @ 6:49 am } · { Rambles and stories, Uni }
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After a year of living in the city, my inner ‘country girl’ has receently decided to come out to play.
Living in amongst all the buildings and traffic and mayhem, being back in my sleepy home town has made me realise a few things about myself.
As much as I love city life, I have realised that it has been too long since I have been out at night, head upturned, just gazing at the stars..a drive out to the Valley last night made me realise how much I missed it- I have to be abe to se the stars to feel ‘alive’.
There is just something about the way it goes on forever, the inky blackness, dotted with diamonds; the silence that surrounds you, the way that the wind whispers in your ears, the way that you feel safe despite the fact you are so alone…
As well as the stars, I’ve missed watching the sun set in the evenings. There was an absolutley stunning sunset today, one of those that locals can relate to- it was one that made me go ‘NOW I remember why I loved it here…and why people would live here…’
Mostly, I think I’ve missed the freedom of just ‘going for a drive’- not having to think about where you drive to, just KNOWING where you’ll end up- in a familiar, ‘happy’ place, or in my case, somewhere that evokes many incredible, sometimes sad, memories.
Its nice to just ‘be’ again…
Deepdreamer

Your House

{ December 3, 2008 @ 6:47 am } · { Lily, Rambles and stories }
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I drive past your house. Nowdays, its an automatic, unconscious thing- up the hill, looking down on the sweping ocean.

The ache in my heart, the drop in my stomach, it is the same every time. I cannot tear my eyes away, slowly crawling past, a million thoughts in my head.

Gone is the neat and tidy yard, the clean facade’ of a happily married, hard working couple.

In its place, since you moved away, children’s toys lie, scattered across the lawn, strewn throughout the backyard. Shoes. Chaos.

Its is the home of a family. ‘It should have been you’ is the thought that makes me die a little inside.

The excitment of a pregnancy, the fear and dreams of the future. This all took place within your house.

Just like the subsequent pain and loss of this precious being, miscarriage devestating your life, as well as that of your husband’s. He watches you, not being able to help.

You move on, that spare room that should have been a nursery, it mocks you.

You do not know that I drive past to check that you are still okay, still functioning, to reassure myself, to settle ‘that’ feeling.

A for sale sign makes me slam on the brakes as I drive past your house one afternoon.

I cry.

You leave town.

That house- your house- now belongs to a young family, the family that should have been yours, a home, not just your house.