Deepdreamer

I get the feeling that today is going to be one of those days.

I want to be motivated, but I just can’t get there. Why? As a 5 year old would say, I don’t wanna.

I don’t want to feel like I have to be on top of my game. Today is a day where the reality of my loss has hit me and I just want to spend the day on my own. Yes, it has been nearly 3 years, but I do still have my off days. It’s a BIG thing for a teenager to go through alone, so I believe that it is still ok to be working through it.

I know I shouldn’t be stuck in this cycle- being ok for ages, then crashing, then being ok again- after all, there are other mothers and indeed fathers out there who have gone through loss more devestating than my own. To lose a fully developed baby. How that would kill a person inside.

I know I will come out of this mood eventually. Hopefully by the end of the day. Its just moments like these ones that make the journey all the more harder.

Deepdreamer

Blame the miscarriage for everything that has gone wrong.

I’ve had some friend issues of late, which ended with said woman posting everything for the world to see on Facebook. I know that it was over 2 years ago now, but I feel like screaming at her;

“I was 17 when I had a miscarriage!!! You try going through that and then you’ll see why I can’t be friends with you anymore…”

But how long can I keep using it as an excuse for my screw ups? I have never really told may people about it, so it makes things hard some days.

This incident with this girl made me realise who my real friends are. This girl did not stand up for me when I was bullied at school- she and another friend of mine laughed and went along wih it. A real friend does not to that. We were so horrible to K, another friend from school, and she just took it all. No wonder she was messed up. She never laughed when I was being teased, she never made me feel bad. Sure, she did some things I didn’t like, but she is a million times more a friend to me than these other two people.

It has taken me 3 years to realise this. That and a nasty note on FB.

One of my new years resolutions is to get back in contact with the people I have not seen since I have moved.

I think K deserves a second chance. We were so young and stupid at school, but, as I said, it was 3 years ago. People change.

I know I have.