Archive for February, 2009

{ February 25, 2009 @ 3:21 am } · { Rambles and stories, Uni }
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It is rainng. At long last, after many months of blue skies, it it cloudy, dark and dreary!  I am so not a sumer girl. My favourite time of year is when the temps drop ( Australia’s equivalent of ‘cold’) and I get to wear my wool jacket. It reminds me of hot chocolate, warm fires and trashy TV that we watch because we can’t leave the house!

Yummy!

It often stirkes me as strange when rain like this pops up in the middle of summer- it was 39 degrees the other day….but it is a very, very welcome change from the heat, sun and of course- sunburn!

I think that this is also the least stressed I have been for a few weeks. It’s nice to have some ‘me’ time for a change instead of running around after the kids ( 1st year students) that need my help at uni…It probably makes a difference that it is my day off too! I am thinking my next post will be from my office. I have my own office at uni now! I’m mentoring with my faculty this year and have been supplied my office. It makes me giggle somewhat!

Deepdreamer

Disappointment on another level…

{ February 16, 2009 @ 7:03 am } · { Uncategorized }
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The good news? I’m not preganant.

The bad news? I feel like crap with really heavy cramps and I’m horrible to be around at the moment!

It came as relief, but a tiny part of me is sad that there is no baby. It’s difficult being in this position- if I wasn’t studying, I probably would have still not had a baby, but at least I know we could have entertained the possibility of it, rather than knowing that I am the most maternal person ever, and babies and children aren’t possible for years yet. I want a baby, but I have to wait. It is the waiting and seeing part that is hard…

{ February 12, 2009 @ 2:00 pm } · { Family and Friends, Lily, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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Tonight’s Private Practice episode left me feeling, I don’t know- nostalgic, scared of the future maybe? This woman broke her own waters at 27 weeks, putting her baby at a number of risks, mainly death, to save the life of her dying son. While I can see the reasons for doing this, the sze of this little girl tugged at my heart strings. It is hard to imagine that I too was that tiny ( born at 24 weeks) and came ot of it on the other side- ALIVE and healthy, after a long intial struggle.

Making that decision as a parent mst be the most difficlut decision on earth to make- to put the life of your unborn child at risk for the chance of saving your existing child…and ultimaley risk the lives of both. It was a confronting episode, both as a premature baby and as a loss mum. I am glad that my baby did not suffer pain and slipped away peacefully.

My thoughts are coming out so jumbled and confused. I do not mean for my thoughts to come across as nasty or that I did not appreciate the footsteps my daughter left behind. Or that do not feel for other parents…I hope I do not come across that way. I believe I am just in a different frame of mind now.

Still no period…

Its been a while…

{ February 10, 2009 @ 11:29 am } · { Family, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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I thought I’d quickly bring anyone who is interested up to speed. I’m still alive, and I am back at uni, living on campus for another year.

R and I are currently going through testing times, pardon the pun. We may or may not be pregnant.

I’m scared and he is scared, but we’re waiting another week or so beofre we drag out the pee stick.

I have all the symptoms- morning ( all day) sickness, sore boobs, exhausted by 3pm which means lots of naps, a coffee sensitivity and a late period.

I am still so young, and not ready. I keep telling myself it is nothing, just my body playing up, but there is always a nagging thought ‘what if…’

I love to think of the whole baby growing, huge belly, someone entirely dependent on us, but on the other hand…My career. My life now. There is no room for a baby. Then I’d also be right back where I started- in my home town, broke and pregnant too young…

I will know for sure in about a week, but I’m sure this post will be just me worrying, rather than saying my suspicions are correct… I’d give ANYTIHING for a baby, even now., especially given everything I have been through…I really am confused!!!