Archive for April, 2009

A Baby

{ April 30, 2009 @ 11:37 am } · { Family and Friends, Lily, Rambles and stories }
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A baby should be moving,

Not lying deathly still,

A baby should be pink and warm

Not blue and cold,

A baby should be fighting his or her parents to dress it,

Not being stiffly dressed in clothes to be buried in,

A baby should be loved and cuddled,

Not visited in a graveyard or held in a parent’s heart.

A baby should be ALIVE,

Not taken from us…

I am a member of several ‘groups’  on Facebook, relating to pregnancy and infant loss. Parents that are lucky enough to have photos of their angels, have posted them ( photos of their children). I looked at a few tonight, and felt inspired to write a little of how these parents mst feel, and some of what I felt, now going onto 2, nearly 3 years, since I lost her.

It is so hard to forget them, yet it is often too hard to remember our angels…without the pain, without the sadness. I am glad to finally be able to say that I do not feel this sadness any more. I just smile a gentle little smile and whisper a thought to Lily, and know she is watching over me somewhere.

You have to wait!

{ April 28, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Amost married life, Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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I have to wait for the baby that I long for, that I deam of, the baby that I can so easily see myself holding…

What do I do with the fact that EVERYONE around me is haing babies, and I have to wait? I did not get to hold onto my first baby. She grew her butterfly wings too early. God I miss her.

I have one of my best friends due to have a baby in a few weeks. She is so uncomfortable and over being pregnant. She’s also reached the stage where she is horribly hormonal and cranky that I don’t really know what to say to her! She is so lucky she has has the chance to go on this journey with her baby, and now we are at the end of it…I am so scared of what ‘could’ happen… But I have to stop thinking of that!

And our dear friend Heather (yummysushipajamas) who is expecting little Evi any day now…Aodin will look over you and Aaron to make sure Evi arrives safely into your awaiting arms!

The reason for this post? My friend who has a little boy- hes just turned one- is expecting another baby. So that will be 2 uner the age of 2, and she will only just be 20. I am jealous that she is pregnant and I can’t be because I chose to go to uni. ‘S’ and her partner rely solely on Centerlink handouts to support them, simply because they are stupid with money and he’s a bit of a dead beat who is too lazy to work. And they are bringing another baby into their small, struggling home…When I think of the life that R and I could give our child or children….it makes my chest hurt to think of it, because I can’t have it yet. I have to force myself to wait until I finish my degree and make a decent life for ourselves. And get married…

If THEY can have a baby, what hope do I have, with having already lost one baby to miscarriage which could equal problems with carrying a baby to term, and with R possibly being infertile.

I guess time will tell, but with the world being BABIES,BABIES,BABIES, its a bit hard to keep away from it all…

Good luck to Bec, ‘S’ and Heather, as well as Amy and Sharyn…so may of you with little babies on the way, and yet so many of us have empty arms…

Deepdreamer