Archive for June, 2009

And now my subconscious is telling me I’m in over my head…

{ June 22, 2009 @ 8:26 am } · { Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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The saddest dreams are always the ones that stick with you when you wake up.

On Sunday, I dreamed that my mother- at 43 years old I suppose- gave birth to two twin boys- Carl and Luke.

I was given the chance to hold one of the baby boys, but the other twin had, I am guessing, died.

Both twin boys went on the pass away, and I can remember crying, crying so very much for these two little boys that did not get a chance to live and to grow and to be loved.

I can remember listening to a girl complain about something trivial ( in my dream), and I turned around and yelled at her “That is nothing- my baby brothers are DEAD! Babies aren’t supposed to DIE!”

And I guess, in a way, this is very true. Babies aren’t supposed to die- it is so wrong…and yet it has happened to so many of us. It’s not fair, but I guess, in a way, it is life. And a cold, harsh reality.

Deepdreamer

Life works in mysterious ways…

{ June 18, 2009 @ 2:28 am } · { Family and Friends, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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IT IS NOT FAIR!!!! A good friend of mine, who I have helped through her first miscarriage last year, lost her 3rd baby yesterday. It is not fair. She is such a strong person, but I don’t know how this is going to effect her… Another little baby who has grown it’s butterfly wings and gone to heaven.

One simple line “I lost the baby” made my heart sink, bringing back memories all too familiar to me.  Kirsten in is the same boat as me- at uni, long distance relationship, engaged, an angel mummy to two little ones, and holding the hope of having another baby in the future. She had it snached away from her. 

I feel helpless as to what to say to her other than “I’m sorry” and “I am here for you…”

Time for me…

{ June 6, 2009 @ 5:47 am } · { Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Uni }
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to take a little break from internet world for a few weeks. I think it will do me some good, maybe help break the FB additction? Well that, and the fact my internet credit has expired for the semester probably helps ;)

It has been nice being able to just jump on here and blurt out whatever comes to mind. It has also been nice watching my list of followers slowly slowly increase. I like to think that I am making a small difference to just ONE person, somewhere with what I blog about…That little tiny difference makes it all worth it.

I’m off home for a few weeks to visit my friends and family :) I doubt I’ll be up to much- maybe a few shifts at work, some work at school with Mum before prac and lots and lots of time with R before we come back on the 1st July for a house-sitting stint :) The before we know it, he’ll be off home and semester 2 will be starting- then my first Professional Practice as a teacher! How exciting!

I hope to keep active, but I am thinking updates will be fre and far between. Stay safe and happy, take everything one day at a time.

xxx Deepdreamer

Art work

{ June 2, 2009 @ 10:13 am } · { Lily, Uni }
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A lot of my artwork- both personal and for my Arts degree at uni- reflects on my loss.

I am never too sure if it is worth selling to donate to a charity; I don’t know if it is good enough!

What do you think?

How am I supposed to feel sorry for…

{ June 2, 2009 @ 9:52 am } · { Family and Friends, Lily, Troubling thoughts, Uni }
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How am I supposed to feel sorry for other people who have lost friends that they weren’t particularily close to, when I have lost my child?

A girl at uni has lost 5 of her friends over the last 9 months or so… 4 of them in a helicopter crash in 2008 and the death of a 12 year old girl in her home town. She has taken so much time off uni to go home, and has let her work slip.

She’s now looking for attention and sympathy.

I mean, YES I do feel sorry for her, but suck it the hell up, princess!  The helicopter crash claimed the lives of people she went to school with- they weren’t her direct friends like she was making out, and the death of a child so young, yes, is sad, but it is not an excuse for letting your life go to shit.

This girl would not have wanted it.

I cannot offer her the same time and sympathy that I do to my ‘circle of angel mums’. Losing a child to miscarriage, pregnancy and infant loss is one of the worst, if not THE worst thing a person can go through and until you have walked a mile in my shoes, ‘been there, done that’, do not go scabbing around for attention and sympathy, because I have none to give.

I managed to cope when I lost Lily, I was 17, and alone. I stayed on top of my school work in my TEE year, put in full study effort, attended after school tutorials, sat my exams, GRADUATED and launched myself into full time work, all within 3 months of my miscarriage. If this is not coping, I don’t know what is. I may have had the help of anti-depressants, but that is not the point.

I coped alone. It is a long road to walk, and I am afraid that the using the deaths of friends as an excuse is not good enough. It is not fair on the people that have died, it is not fair on the family, THE PARENTS of these people, and it is not fair when I am expected to feel sorry for you when I know the whole story….