Archive for July, 2009

So truly real

{ July 30, 2009 @ 1:05 pm } · { Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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Be I obsessed? Perhaps.

I could physically feel the weight of a new born baby in my arms, his or her head nestled into my neck, the ever so gentle whisper of breath on my skin; a sleeping, innocent baby.

My stomach turns with the longing for this feeling to be the real thing, my heart aches for what I cannot have.

I sit with my eyes closed, wanting to hang onto the sensation for just one moment longer. I open my eyes and he or she is gone, replaced by a weight of sadness- not in my arms, but on my shoulders.

Forever present, weighing me down, my burden, my prize.

05-09-08_1239

 

For Lily & Ash

Ultrasound

{ July 30, 2009 @ 12:54 pm } · { Family and Friends, Lily, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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Unfortunatley, not mine.

My friends, mentioned in earlier posts as ‘S’ and her partner, invited me to go to their 20 week anatomy scan today.

Needless to say, I said an enthusiastic ‘YES!’ and joined them.

Being led into the ultrasound room gave me horrible flash backs, but I was ok with that. I could handle it. Was so proud of myself  O:) The ultrasound itself showed a very well developed 19wk 4d old foetus, amazingly clear images of the spine, bones and brain, as well as the baby’s little heart, beating away merrily. All in all, a beautiful, healthy, fully developed little baby.

They also found out the sex of the baby, which was very sepecial for me.

‘S’ is having a little girl, which thrilled the pants off me! Her name is Dinara Skye, named after some Russian tennis player…It means ‘wealthy’ which hopefully will bring some fortune their way…

Also, they asked me to be Bailey and Dinara’s godmother…which is a beautiful thing for them to ask me… They asked simply because I have been a big part of Bailey’s life, and have been there since the beginning of S’s newest pregnancy. I feel so honoured and touched.

I doubt that my role is to actually fufil their religeous wellbeing as such ( I am so not religeous) however, I believe it is my role to simply show them the right way to go in life and to just be someone to help them as they get older.

So not only have I been asked to be Ebony’s godmother, but also Bailey and Dinara. I also have Sara, who is an angel in heaven. That makes no difference though. I still think of her too. O:)

I have to admit though, I have been struggling with the news that a good friend of mine in my course at uni is pregnant- 17 weeks in fact! I am so thrilled for her, and yet there is that ‘why not me’ niggling at the back of my mind.

I really wish these moods would disappear. The ‘down’ mood I blogged about, probably about 3 weeks ago now, still has not lifted. I forget it is there, and then it hits me full force again, as if to say “haha, sucked in- you’re not better at all!’

I have been so flat. I get so angry easily, I snap at R so much it is not fair. I cry alot- I cried in the carpark at a supermarket because…well…I don’t really know. I lie awke at night, trying to sleep, and it just won’t come. And when it does come, the dreams…my god the dreams- of miscarriage, of loss, of having empty arms, they keep coming back to me. And then to top off the ‘great’ night’s sleep, I wake up at 7:15, without fail.

I just want to feel myself again. Doctor, doctor, here I come if this dosen’t go away… Soon.

Deepdreamer

Look….

{ July 28, 2009 @ 5:42 am } · { Family and Friends, Lily, Uncategorized }
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at what my beautiful friend Kirsten has made for me…it’s simple and yet the fact she made it means everything to me.

Thankyou my friend.

http://www.mybabymemorial.com/memorial/page/butterflylily/

And my Pay-pal account has finally got funds to order the most meaningful piece of jewellery I have ever owned…I will attatch the website and photos of the pendant as follows…

http://www.labelledame.com/

My necklace will have two stones attatched- a green peridot to symboise the month she left me and a aquamarine stone to symbolise her due month…Aquamarine also guards against miscarriage which is a nice touch…

footprints-charm

Well….

{ July 27, 2009 @ 12:27 pm } · { Lily, Rambles and stories, Uni }
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Here’s something OTHER than a ‘babyloss’ rant… I feel like it’s all I have been blogging about, but Lily has been playing on my mind so often… ANYWAY.

Uni went back today….I have to say after having 6 weeks off, it was hard to haul myself out of bed at 7:15 this morning for an 8:30 lecture…Too early! Even though I live in the dorms at uni, it is still too early…imagine those who have to travel to get to class on time! Ugh. The lec was interesting enough, except for one girl who kept niggling and niggling at the lecture with her opinions- which no one else reaaallly wanted to hear!

My tutor seems very distant and ‘by the book’. Not sure if I like her, but I guess it dosent matter in the end- so long as she tells me what I want to learn.

The class is called ‘Diversity in the Secondary Classroom’ and explores the challenges and opportunities that ‘diverse’ students bring into the classroom- autistic, down syndrome, learning difficulty students were flagged as members of this amazingly diverse group I will likely encounter in my years as a teacher. My lecturer even flagged ’students struggling with depression and teenage pregnancy fall into the category of being diverse’ I had a small smile to myself at that comment.

Yep. That was me. Pregnant teenager… God and look how it ended…I GOT THROUGH THAT!!!!!

Wow…it still amazes me!

Day 1, semester 2, 2009, over.

 

Deepdreamer

I can’t seem to keep off here today.

{ July 26, 2009 @ 6:10 am } · { Uncategorized }
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I have so far written 2 blog entries…now my 3rd…for today!

I dream of what I fear the most- not being able to hang onto my next little baby. I told R of my horrible, horrible dream too. He hugged me and whispered “oh honey”. I needed that reassurance.

I dreamed that my pregnancy had reached 14 weeks, only to once again miscarry. The sadness and grief I felt was all too real and I could not stop crying. It was too much for me, both R and I were devestated beyond words.  My poor little boy. I think it was a boy.

It makes me so sad to continue having these types of dreams, and scared for my future, our future. God how I pray that my first miscarriage is not a sign of things to come- please let me be able to concieve with no difficulty, be able to carry my baby to term and birth a healthy child.

Please let R be able to be the father of my children. Please let your possible infertility be a worry of the past…

Please let me, us, one day be parents, together.

Deepdreamer

I WISH

{ July 26, 2009 @ 4:57 am } · { Family and Friends, Lily, Rambles and stories }
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1. I wish you would not be afraid to mention my baby. The truth is just because you never saw my baby doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve your recognition.

2. I wish that if we did talk about my baby and I cried you didn’t think it was because you have hurt me by mentioning my baby. The truth is I need to cry and talk about my baby with you.

3. I wish that you could talk about my baby more than once. The truth is if you do, it reassures me that you haven’t forgotten her and that you do care and understand.

4. I wish you wouldn’t think that I don’t want to talk about my baby. The truth is I love my baby and need to talk about her.

5. I wish you could tell me you are sorry my baby died and that you are thinking of me. The truth is that it tells me you care.

6. I wish you wouldn’t think what has happened is one big bad memory for me. The truth is the memory of my baby, the love I feel for my baby, the dreams I had and the memories I have created for my baby are all loving memories. Yes there are bad memories too but please understand that it’s not all like that.

7. I wish you wouldn’t pretend that my baby never existed. The truth is we both know I had a baby growing inside me.

8. I wish you wouldn’t judge me because I am not acting the way you think I should be. The truth is grief is a very personal thing and we are all different people who deal with things differently.

9. I wish you wouldn’t think if I have a good day I’m “over it” or if I have a bad day I am being unreasonable because you think I should be over it. The truth is there is no “normal” way for me to act.

10. I wish you wouldn’t stay away from me. The truth is losing my baby doesn’t mean I’m contagious. By staying away you make me feel isolated, confused and like it is my fault.

 11. I wish you wouldn’t expect my grief to be “over and done with” in a few weeks, months, or years for that matter. The truth is it may get easier with time but I will never be “over” this.

12. I wish you wouldn’t think that my baby wasnt’t really a baby and she was just blood and tissue or a fetus. The truth is my baby had a life. My baby had a soul, heart, body, legs, arms and a face. I haven’t seen my baby’s body and face, but my baby was real person – and she was alive.

13. My babies due date, Mothers Day, celebration times, the day my baby was born and the day I lost her are all important and sad days for me. The truth is I wish you could tell me by words or by letter you are thinking of me on these days.

14. I wish you understood that losing my baby has changed me. The truth is I am not the same person I was before and will never be that person again. If you keep waiting for me to get back to “”normal” you will stay frustrated. I am a new person with new thoughts, dreams, beliefs, and values. Please try to get to know the real me-maybe you’ll still like me.

15. I wish you wouldn’t tell me I could have another baby. The truth is I want the baby I lost and no other baby can replace him. Babies aren’t interchangeable.

16. I wish you wouldn’t feel awkward or uncomfortable talking about my baby or being near me. When you do, I can see it. The truth is it’s not fair to make me feel uncomfortable just because you are.

17. I wish you wouldn’t think that you’ll keep away because all my friends and family will be there for me. The truth is, everyone thinks the same thing and I am often left with no one.

18. I wish you would understand that being around pregnant women is uncomfortable for me. The truth is I feel jealous.

19. I wish you wouldn’t say that it’s natures way of telling me something was wrong with my baby. The truth is my baby was perfect no matter what you think nature is saying.

20. I wish you would understand what you are really saying when you say “next time things will be okay”. The truth is how do you know? What will you say if it happens to me again?
-Author Unknown

 

I ‘borrowed’ this poem from my good friend Dana’s blog : http://blog.uniquechristeninggowns.com/

Hope you don’t mind Dana, but it’s spot on…

As promised, the extract that says how I feel every day…

{ July 26, 2009 @ 3:51 am } · { Lily, Rambles and stories }
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” A week after the D&C… I went to visit Alice in the hospital to see her new baby girl. Of course, Alice said I didn;t need to go, and Ben said he didn’t want me to go, but I went.  I don;t know why but I was determined to do everything as I normally would.

I went to the newsagent and chose a card frosted with pink glitter saying ‘congratulations on your darling little girl’. I went to Pumpkin Patch and bought  a tiny yellow dress with embroidered butterflies all over it. ‘It just makes you long to have a baby girl, doesn’t it!’  cooed the saleslady.

I wrapped up the dress in pink tissue paper and wrote on the card and I drove to the hospital and found a parking spot and walked through the corridors with the present under one arm…

The whole time, I floated along beside myself, impressed. ‘You’re doing fine. Well done. It will all be over soon, and you can be home watching television.’

“Oh look at her!”I said to Alice, ready to begin the new-baby panter.

I’m so good at it these days. Just last week, I went to visit a friend who had just given birth to her third child, and even if I say so myself, my performance was flawless. ‘Look at his tiny hands! Oh, her eyes/nose/mouth is just like yours!’ ‘Of course I’d love to hold him!’ And breathe. And, chat. And. smile. Don’t think about it. Don’t think about it. There should be an Oscar for that sort of thing.

But Alice didn’t let me get started on the act.

As soon as she saw me, she held out the arm that wasn’t holding the baby and her face crumpled and she said “I wish it was me visiting you.”

I sat on the bed and let her hug me.

Why does it still matter?

{ July 21, 2009 @ 3:13 am } · { Uncategorized }
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My Lily, my butterfly, I miss you. I still miss you- 3 years on.

This time 3 years ago, you were no bigger than a grape my little love.  I was tired, sick, carrying sore breats, peeing a lot more than usual and struggling with when and what to tell the world of you. I knew you were nestled in my belly, but was too scared to find out. 6 weeks pregnant and already feeling the effects of your tiny little body, your tiny little life, floating inside of me.

I was confused and scared but so in awe of this little life growng inside of me.

I couldn’t have said it better myself…

{ July 18, 2009 @ 10:06 am } · { Lily, Rambles and stories }
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I have spent a blissful 2 days reading a book called ‘ What Alice Forgot’ by Liane Moriarty. It is an ‘un-put-down-able’ book. It is a good book to read on a clod rainy winter’s weekend, like this one! Basically, the novel is about a woman, Alice, who has an accident and loses 10 years ( TEN YEARS!!) of her memory. When she wakes from her concussion, she wonders why everyone in her life is so cold to her- her husband, her sister, her children that she cannot remember.

The story is beautifully written and a page turner. However a good portion of Alice’s journey is focused on her sister. Elisabeth struggles with dealing with a heartbreaking 7 miscarriages after IVF. The way her journey through this is amazingly, and honestly written. It is an all to familiar description of the motions that I went through after my miscarriage; crying over friend’s babies, jealousy over people that can fall pregnant so easily, the ol’ ‘never mind- you can just try again’, or worse,’ get over it- it wasn’t even a real baby’.

I will post an extract from the book. It more or less pin-points the day to day emotions I find myself struggling with, even now, almost 3 years after the fact.

Deepdreamer

Not any more you don’t.

{ July 13, 2009 @ 6:48 am } · { Uncategorized }
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Three years ago, you ripped out my heart, dropped it on the floor and stepped all over it with your football boots. You disappreared without giving me an explaination, took off up north “for work” I was told.

You left me, and I found out I was pregnant with your child. I HATE the thought of you being the father of my daughter, and thankfully it is something I neither confirmed nor denied to you, and you showed no interest when I told you I suspected I was pregnant.

All I got, on the 4th of August that year, 6 days before my miscarriage, was a pathetic text: “I’m sorry things ended the way they did”

I did not give you the satisfaction of replying. Fuck you.

You wonder what you did wrong, trying to communicate with me via Facebook, my space, MSN, anything to try to be friends. Sorry mate. You blew your chance.

It’s funny how a simple sentence “My period is late, I’m worried” can change you life. A life sentence i guess, pardon the pun. You ran away, 3000ks away to be precise, while I dealt with the consequences…the life and death of our daughter.

I miss you with all my heart my butterfly. Thank god R. has come along to ment my shattered heart…

Deepdreamer

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