Deepdreamer

Gotta love uni assessments that have to be completed in groups…As much as I love the girls I am working with, today was a FAIL.

We have to present an art history presentation to our colleagues and lecturer tomorrow, and we are soooo not ready to do so. I had great intentions of us getting together and going over our teaching lesson, timing it and making sure the power point presentation worked and in general, just to make sure it all goes smoothly…

But the best laid plans go astray…Instead of being done and relaxed by 3pm, one group member spent all afternoon fiddling and getting really confused trying to do bits and pieces on the lappy…she’s a but dizzy anyway, so this didn’t help. Group member 2 let her caffine high get the better of her

And me? Well I was tired, cranky, hormonal as hell ( that’s another story) and just wanted to get it over with. It turns out that I was the only one to have all of my work completed, ready for tomorrow…inestead I sit here, finishing a reference list that is totally bogus, thanks to Endnote on 2007 Word (C), and a timeline depicting art movements….as well as trying to memorise what I have to present tomorrow…not going to happen. My bed is calling!

I also meet my mentor teacher at my prac school this week…nerve racking, yet so exciting. My mentor teacher seems really nice. She seemed pleasant on the phone, anyway! Wow, this time next week, I’ll be filling whoever still reads my blog in on my first day as a pre-service ‘Praccie’ teacher…Scary!

Deepdreamer

I picture you in my mind as a happy, healthy little girl, dark hair, blue eyes, chubby cheeks. About 2 and a half, walking, but happy to sit with her mummy and have cuddles.

For this child I have pictured so claraly in my mind, I made cupcakes- little pink ones, because in my mind, she is a pink and purple girl, just like her mummy when she was little.

” Oh so pretty!”

Just kidding. really, I am feeling pretty grouchy. Grouchy as in an old person who walked to the shops for groceries, only to get caught in the rain and has to treck all the way home in the drizzle…

I am so grumpy at the people I live with ( all 50 or so residents in my courtyard) as they kept me up well past eleven…I had to be up at 5 this morning for work. I know that I choose to do so, but just one Friday night that dosen’t invlolve dunk people screaming or Amy’s constant *boom boom* of her really bad music, would be super nice.

I think if I see her, or if anyone wakes me from my nap I plan to have ( very soon), then I can’t say I will be fully liable for my actions- I blame the grouchy old lady inside of me!

So I write this post, my eyes hanging out of my head and my body weary from a combination of a stressful uni week, a bad night’s sleep ( well a bad month’s sleep really), and a strenuous shift at work. Although, on the plus side, I recieved a gift from my manager to say ‘thanks for working so hard for the last 4 weeks’ which was such a nice gesture!

And also stocked up on lots of nice, healthy fresh fruit and veg- I’m absolutley -craving- healthy, fresh cooked stuff at the moment- dinner has consistently been chicken sausages, or breast, or turkey with boiled vegetables…A combination of cravings and a sudden laziness when it comes to cooking for one’s self!

On that note, I am still feeling the same- teetering on the edge of feeling ok again, and falling back down… I am so distracted at the moment…I only half listen to things- my concentration level is that of a 2 year old at the moment…But I am going to see how I go until next week, and make an appointment to see my GP here. I am hoping my nice healthy meals, my mega-potent multi vitimans and a little relaxing will help- then again, there’s only so much that I can do on my own. I really think I just need to distract myself from my own thoughts- although it dosen’t solve the problem. I’d just be avoiding it.

I think it is the tiredness that comes from bad diet and not being able to sleep properly, the early starts- I get woken at 7:15 by construction across the road…every morning, the interrupted sleep from my living situation, the sudden, dramatic increse in uni work after break and being away from R…I think none of this is helping.

But now I am hungry, so I am off to make a toasted sammich. Yum, yum.

Deepdreamer

I am so scared of forgetting Lily…this time 3 years ago, I was just beginning to tell people- just a few select friends- about her. Some were shocked, mostly happy, but shocked. “Her?? Pregnant at 17??’ was what I could read on their faces.

It was exactly what I was feeling though…me? How could I be pregnant?  

I was the stereotypical ‘good’ girl at school- I never acted up, never wagged school, never failed tests or classes…I was attentive, enthusiastic, reasonably smart ( I’d like to think) one who had lots of friends and was happy to have a good ol’ chat with my teachers. My parents thought I was fine…They were so wrong. I was indeed pregnant beofre the end of my final year of school…I wouldn’t even be 18 by the time my baby was born.

Gosh, by now I would have been about almost 10 weeks pregnant ( I thought it was 8 weeks but I was actually wrong)…the morning sickness was gone, but my god my breasts were killing me, and I was putting on weight…enough for me to notice. When you purposely keep your weight at 45kgs, and you’re 170cms tall, it’s pretty noticable…but that is a story for another time.  The thought “I have to tell my parents…how???” kept me awake at night, distracted from my school work, and the thought of my scummy, low life ex boyfriend plaguing my thoughts as well…his child, his daughter.

I told one of my teachers…to this day I am so grateful to him for not judging, for simply saying “You’re allowed to be pregnant you know…” That made all the difference. To you Mr P, I thank you, even to this day. You know I carried her, you know I miscarried her. You know she existed. Thankyou.

I think by now, I was about to suck up my fear and tell Mum and Dad…but fate stepped in just two days later on the 10th of August, and saved me the task of telling them about my pregnancy, about their granddaughter.

Oh Lily, how nights like these remind me of how far I have come, and how much you  have changed my life, and how much you have changed other people’s lives…your life, however short, and your legacy…It’s nights like these that I realise that the grief is just as raw and as intense as the night that I lost you.

Mummy loves you with all her heart.

Deepdreamer

I am scared to try to snap myself out of this…I begin to feel myself crawling out of this hole, into the sunshine, and then I remember you, I fall back down again.

I am trying so hard to snap out of this- I know that’s not how it happens, but I need to get back on top of things- for my angel mummies, for R, and most importantly, for myself.

I am feeling ok today. The main thing is, I am feeling something! I am warily feeling my way out of this…I know Lily would not want her mother to be so unhappy.

So out comes the happy music, a good book, a sleep in and a stress free-ish day… and a big climb out of this horrible hole called depression…

Deepdreamer