every heartbeat
crafting a son of love
living inside
your heaven and earth
—(life inside a mother’s womb)
threads of life wovened within
bathing love in between
first heart beat tickling
decrescendo in beating
hopes. dreams. shattered
silence
…
tears. life. lost
lost. love. found
found. serenity. peace
my love for the unborn child
cherishing the eternal of temperance
that you have given me
I went to have dinner with a close friend last night. We were tucking into dinner, dicussing life and stuff in general. I have watched her go through so much over the last 4 or so years, sturggles with body image and weight, happiness and pressure on herself to do well…She knows about Lily and what I went through- 3 years ago now. We were in the middle of dinner- literally mid-mouthful- and she begins to talk to me about Lily. I just about choked on my food, not expecting the random turn in conversation, my baby all of a sudden being talked about like it was the most normal thing in the world.
I guess it was her round-about way of telling me what she did. She eventually shared with me that in 2008 she and her boyfriend fell pregnant- she was just 18. She got tp 12 weeks when she lost her baby.
I think I am glad that we were out, at a restaurant when she shared that with me, and our conversation turned to miscarriage, the pain and the hurt, and how you never really get over it, my work with AB and the communtiy, as well as my work now with Lily’s Legacy.
I shoud mention, however that I was unable to utter a word about my ‘new’ baby- Little Speck, my baby I lost 3 weeks ago…I just could not say it….What is wrong with me? I guess the second time, it has been different. I did not let myself dream of my new baby, I try not to think of him. I do not speak his name.
HE DOES NOT HAVE A NAME! Speck does not have a name….I cannot bear the heartbreaking decision of what to call him. Speck is just my nickname for what the baby was- just a speck. But ‘[a life is a life, no matter how small’. Should I give Speck a proper name?
I feel so guilty, so sad, so…empty. Maybe the pain will go away faster if I do not think or remember him….
I am yet to introduce her to my ‘part time’ world, to the people who I am helping, to the people who are helping me every day- to heal.
And I will heal- one day.
Deepdreamer
Feeling as though I am sliding into an awful drpression again…
Oh my little guy, why couldn’t you stay here with me? I know it was not the time for a baby- I still have 2 years of uni to go, your daddy and I are still living apart- til next month anyway- I am flat out with ‘life’ in general, and yet there you were. Little heartbeat I could hear..your presence stopping my world. I wanted you from the moment I found out about you..
In my heart, I know it was not your time…you were needed for something bigger. Although, what that is, I will never know.
I hope that wherever you are, you are happy and healthy…I hope your big sister Lily is looking after you, and all of my angel mums and dad’s babies are your friends. I hope you are not alone and scared…I hope you are alive and free. I hope you are better off, wherever you are…without me to look after you.
Please look over me, and be nice to your big sister!
I love you.
Deepdreamer
I keep the TV up loud, DVD’s at full volume, DVD’s of TV series’ up loud to block the feeling out. I keep the stereo in my car up loud, singing along to the music, to block it out.
If I have things loud, it distracts me from thinking, from losing the plot completely. I am so scared that if I begin to cry, I will never stop. The tears that I cried for Lily are not there for Little Speck, and yet I know that they are there- ready to burst forward. They are there and I am too scared to cry. I am to scared to remember. I am too scared to grieve.
So I keep the music, the TV, the movies, up LOUD to block out the SOFT, buzzing noise ‘you lost your baby, you are a crap mother, your body can’t carry a pregnancy, YOU FAIL at being a mother, your babies didn’t want you to be their mother’
Keep it blocked out, keep it up loud and the thoughts won’t be there…
Deepdreamer
I am still not sure how I should be feeling? I am telling myself that the feelings, or not feelings, are normal. I am supressing the rage, the fear, the sadness, becuase I am too scared to let myself grieve. I am telling myself I am ok, that it happened and I should move on, that I DID NOT LET MYSELF get attatched to the new baby, so I should not be feeling this way. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would not get to meet this baby, so I should not be upset that I lost him. I feel detatched from myself, just going through the motions, get up, get dressed, go to uni, absorb what I am being taught, laugh and force happiness with my friends, go home, eat, sleep, get up and do it all again.
I am numb. I cannot feel; I am too scared to let myself to. I am, according to statistics, supposed to have my babies- both Lily and Speck- here with me…late teens-20s is the best time to carry a baby…your body is the most capable and at it’s strongest to carry a pregnancy…Fuck you body. You have no idea how much I hate you right now. You couldn’t hold onto my precious babies for me…
I am also rembling so I am going to wrap this up…
*Lily*Little Speck*
Deepdreamer
is exactly a week, 7 days, a lifetime, just yesterday…not enough time…time enough to love you…It will be a week tomorrw since I lost Little Speck…I cannot believe this week has gone so quickly…I am scared I am letting go of him too soon, scared I am forgetting him, scared I am not remembering my little bubba enough. Scared of hanging onto my grief for 3 years, and counting…
Just scared.
Or is it scarred?
Deepdreamer
at 7pm, I lit many many candles, in memory of all of our angel babies…Tonday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day, and all over the world, angel parents are welcomed to light a candle in memory of their little love lost.
My candles were lit in memory of Lily and Speck, with the others being a dedication to all the parents I have come to get to know, and those whom I have not.
” a beautiful candle shining bright, may we all bask in this your light, for my angel babies I did not get to hold, may your memory never, ever grow old”
‘We will remember them”
Do not stand at my grave and weep ,
I am not there,
I do not sleep,
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,
I am the sunlight on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush of soaring birds in circled flight.
I am the star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die.
You tip-toed into my life, surprising me with your presence. Just as quiety, you tip toed out again, leaving your imprint on my heart…
Last Friday I discovered I was pregnant. Just over 6 weeks, little heartbeat flickering away inside of my belly.
I went to the doctor becuase I thought I had eaten something bad- I had been feeling ill for days. He dropped the bombshell on me by saying ” I think you may be pregnant”.
I have to say, I nearly fell onto the floor. Tests confirmed it. I was pregnant again.
I had an ultrasound done- the doctor wanted to check on everything “given your past history”. He took bloods, and told me everything seemed to be ok. Told me what to do, how to eat, to rest, to relax becuase my chance of miscarrying were only 20%…
I called my baby “Little Speck”, as that is what I could see on the screen when I was having my ultrasound- a speck. My baby. I was reassured by the odds, but could not help by feel anxious about it.
I felt scared, anxious, nervous, excited, stunned, sad, and stressed all at the same time. A total mix of emotions. But I have to admit that the guilt was the worst.
All I could think of was how it was going to impact on uni…And how I was going to tell R. “Bad timing” I kept thinking…
I warmed to the idea.
However, 5 days is not long enough to get to know a little one…not at all.
I woke yesterday- 13/10/2009- feeling fine- exhausted, but ok. By 2pm yesterday I was spotting, and by 4pm, it was heavy. The blood made my heart sink, my world freeze.
I rang my doctor, and he told me to go in for a blood test and another u/sound…He also told me “Don’t stress…I am sure this is nothing..”
Was he ever wrong.
The ultrasound they preformed on my stomach showed nothnig, a sac and no heartbeat, however an internal scan revealed what in my heart I already knew.
My Little Speck was dead. Little flickering heartbeat that I had heard so clearly last Friday, was gone.
My HCG levels, comared to Firday have dropped hugely- 24 and dropping.
I am waiting to miscarry my baby.
The waiting I think is the worst. I began to tell people on Monday, and by Tuesday evening, it was over.
I canot help but feel like I should not have told my Angel Baby community. I lost Lily once I began to tell people, and now I have lost Speck.
On that not, I still have to tell R. He does not know I was pregnant, and he does not know that I lost the baby. I honestly have NO IDEA how to tell him. This is going to break his heart. I am telling him tonight. He needs to know. I need him here.
I need my baby here.
Oh Speck, how is this fair? HOW is this fair? What did I do to deserve this- TWICE!? I am only 20…this isn’t fair.
How I miss you Speck. My heart aches for you. Your big sister Lily clearly needed some company.
Please look after Speck, my little butterfly.
Devestated and heartbroken,
Deepdreamer
Speck at 6 weeks, 4 days
