We are all flawed

I drink too much

I swear too much

I am loud

Random

I come across as very confronting and brash

I cry too easily right now

I say the wrong thing at the wrong time

I am still haunted by my past

My body cannot carry a pregnancy past 10 weeks

I am scared I am going to hate my career choice

I am not a good artist

BUT.

I am me.

I am working to change a lot of these flaws.

It’s damn hard work, it hurts, but hopefully, good will be born from it.

Hard work

Lately, I have been looking forward to the land of slumber, the land of my dreams. Each day, I know that this awful feeling that continues to re-surface will go- when I am asleep.

Some of it comes from the desire for another baby, but my practical side telling me no. And for good reason.

Last night, I dreamed of being at a hospital, waiting to have some sort of ultrasound or scan done on my stomach. I’d go into the room, only to be told that another case was more important, and that I’d have to wait. This happened seven or eight times. In the end, I do not know what happened, I guess I woke up. I didn’t look too much into it, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think it is an unconscious fear of another miscarriage, of not having any answers; a fear of the unknown.

I’m in that unknown currently, and it is hard work. Keeping my head above water, getting through each day, trying to stay positive.

It’s hard, but at the end of the day, I am the one in control of my emotions, not anyone else.

Ashamed

I am, admittedly, a people pleaser. I go out of my way to ensure that people aren’t given a reason to dislike me. I think I have blogged about this before, and this obsession with pleasing others stems from horrific bullying throughout my childhood and well into my late teens.

After putting my foot in it yesterday, I’ve felt a huge, overwhelming range of emotions- and not the good ones.

All directed at myself.

I feel ashamed

I feel angry

I feel guilty

I feel stupid

I’ve struggled last night with a tighness in my chest, remembering to take deep breaths, I’ve been feeling dizzy, I have been feeling on the verge of a very severe panic attack, all because I know that I have upset someone.

I’ve woken up today with a headache and a heavy heart.

 

The “R” word and the “S” word

I wish I was talking about roses and sapphires here, I really do.

Anyone who knows me, reads my blog, or recieves emails from me, knows I talk. A lot.

And more often than not, I swear, I ramble, and I say things I know I shouldn’t.

I call people stupid, I call myself lazy, retarded and a bit of a spaz.

Yes, people, THOSE “R” and “S” words.

Admittedly, I don’t think twice about it, its something that has become a part of everyday conversation, just another word.

It’s something I do not even realise I do.

So today, I managed to completely insult a group of women very dear to my heart, but unintentionally/not thinking about the connotatios of the word “spaz”. I forget, that for such a long time, it was used as a word to mock people with intellectual or physical disabilities. And I use those words as simply another part of my everyday vocabulary.

And its something, that I now, feel incredibly silly for doing.

These women are right. What “good” does it do by using those words?

Do I have a disabled child? NO.

Do I know what it is like to face the prospect of raising one? NO

Is it correct to even use the words? NO.

What entitles me to use them?

Nothing.

So to these ladies, I aplogise from the bottom of my heart. I feel silly, naieve, juvenile for using them, and for having to have it POINTED out to me that “GUESS WHAT- that offends people!”.

I am now making a conscious effort to not to do it.

Which, if I was a good person, I wouldn’t have to do in the first place.

I guess that what I am trying to say is that I need to change, and society needs to change. Using these words only upsets people who truly know the meaning behind the words.

Change begins with the individual.

Change begins with me. I can blame my age, or the fact it has become so common to use the words that they have lost meaning to many, or that it is just a part of society.

I could.

But it’s not.

It’s not good enough to make excuses.

I have to stop. And THINK. And make a change.

To these ladies ( you know who you are), you have such a special place in my heart, and I am absolutley mortified that I have upset you. I apologise from the bottom of my heart.

 

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I am aware of the fact that I am not a mother, I am certainly not a mother to a child that may be physically or mentally less-abled.

I am aware, though, that 50-60% of miscarriages occur because of chromosomal abnormalities-because there was something significantly wrong with the developing baby.

My reasons for my miscarriages? I chose not to know, not to have any further testing.

But there’s a pretty high chance that it was chromosomal, and therfore a pretty high chance that I could have parented a disabled child.

It was my body that killed my babies, and given the fact that it “could have been me”, I do need to think about what I am saying.

Feeling very ashamed of myself tonight.

 

Spoke too soon….

So….

About two hours after I posted my last blog, DF and I had a massive blow up. It made me realise that I do need to try very very hard to keep my emotions in check. Given, it was not just my fault, the whole thing was over a tiny little issue.

Stupid, really.

So, bascially, the last 24 hours have been 3 steps forward, 10 steps back for me, emotionally. I feel silly for getting angry over something so small, I feel ashamed for getting angry and fighting (silently, of course) with DF, I feel exhaused from being both angry and from a lack of sleep.

We talked about it this morning, and things are settled again. I’m annoyed, but most ly at myself for starting it. Well, DF did, but that’s another story!

I just…give up on today.

Tomorrow will be better.

Feeling well; really well

I was warned when I began taking anti-depressants again, that it could take a while to feel the effects of it.

I expected the “lag” to be a few weeks.

Little did I know that it would take 7 months for it to settle in and work completely. But, over the last few weeks, I have finally begun to find and feel glimpses of the “old” me. I can genuinley say I am feeling good about 85% of the time, and singing along to the radio in my car like nobody’s business.

I like feeling like this, even if it is with the assistance of Zoloft. I am ok with that. They’re a part of my life that I am not ashamed of. I’ve begun to let go of the control-freakiness, I am no longer ripping DF’s head off over him moving a TV remote.

I have begun to smile again. A real smile, a genuine one.

Finally.

Looking at the Positives

And I don’t mean on a pregnancy test….

Here is a list of the following reasons I am happy to wait for kids now:

1- I get to visit Kirsten in America, with nothing but a suitcase and love. I can.just.go. Because I don’t have kids to worry about

2-I don’t have to share my food with my kids, because they like what is on my plate better.

3- I can drink wine.

4-I like my 8hours+ uninterrupted sleep.

5- I can hop in my car and drive to visit people without thinking about it.

6- I can have a non-baby-proof home.

7-I can drink wine

8-I can think of Post-Graduate studies for 2012 without thinking of money or day care or small child.

9-I’ve been able to focus my energies on getting well rather than getting preggo.

Lastly, but most importantly;

10- I can drink wine.