Archive for Amost married life

Well…

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:47 pm } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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To end my weekend…I am a wee bit pissed, and blogging. Quite possibly not a good combination. I cannot help but feel a bit weak, a lot sad and extremely lost. I wish that R and I could stop fighting…it seems that everytime I call, or he calls me, we end up arguing. How depressing. It is hard, becuase we aren’t communicating anymore. He even says that he can’t tell what I am thinking anymore…Am I really beginning to shut myself off from him? I just cannot bear the thought of bringing him down…I cannot bring myself to share how I am really, truly feeling. I just can’t. I know I SHOULD, but something stops me every single damned time…

I feel sad. Speck should have still been nestled away, safe inside of me…12 weeks I should have been, just beginning to tell people. Speck wouldn’t have been a Speck…Speck would have been a proper little human, with eyes, legs, nails and a little tiny beating heart….You would be smiling my little angel…SMILING!!! I am so sorry that my body let you down, let your big sister down…I can only wish, pray, that this does not strike me again…2 miscarriages are enough…I don’t know what I will do if it happens again…

Deepdreamer

 

No title, no feelings.

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:14 am } · { Amost married life, Family, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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How can you be perfecty fine one minute and telling memy attitude is ”not fucking good enough” the next? And THEN be totally fine the next? HOW does that work!? 

R and I had a fight- over the phone- about something that started out as so trivial… I did a favour for my friend and the we began arguing about how I do too much for other people and get nothing in return…I dont know why I do it. Too keen to please maybe? Long story short, I was trying to explain the whole confusing situation to him, and apparrently I get this “tone” in my voice. Before I know it, he is telling me to shut up because he refuses to talk to me when I am like that…

LIKE WHAT???

I try again, to explain it in a calmer tone,  but the moment is gone. I just want to get off the phone before I get angry and say things I don’t mean… As susual, I can’t help it- I cry. I think it gets through to him and he eases up. “Sorry” he says…it can’t take it back, all of the things you said.

He carries on as normal, all the while I am thinking “please just go away…please let me cry in peace…” and he tries to cheer me up.

His piece of ‘cheering up news’ was to tell me that his mate at work, his partner is pregnant, about 12 weeks along….the exact amount that I should have been with Speck….I cry more.  He asked me if I was ok, and I said yes. It hurt alot, knowing that her baby will be due at the same time as mine should have been….What a horrible weekend. I slept well that night, needless to say…I slept the sleep of the exhausted. Crying takes a lot out of me….

He thinks everything is fine, but I am afraid I cannot forget… Yesterday was a hard day of trying not to let our fight get to me…I knew that if someone so much as looked at me wrong, I would cry. I spent the afternoon chatting to other mums and taking it easy. I have a new book, so it distracted me from the real world.

Hopefully this sad, down mood will lift and I can feel like I want to talk to R. I just can’t talk to him at the moment….I can’t.

I can’t win :(

Deepdreamer

 

Lessons I have learned in life so far…

{ November 7, 2009 @ 8:12 am } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Uni }
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1: The customer is always right- even when they’re yelling in your face!

2: Just because I have had 2 miscarriages before I was 21, it does not mean that people get to judge me.

3: Cutting and other forms of self harm are not a good way to deal with my emotions following my m/c’s.

4: Buying clothes that ‘look’ as though they will fit, probably won’t….try them on!

5: off milk and mouldy bread ARE going to give you food poisoning :D

6: Fish/pets in general cannot feed themselves- otherwise they die!

7: Teenage kids in schools are turds…

8:My friends know more about me than my parents do…

9: My finace is my best friend- your partner should be your friend above all else!

10: My life so far does not define the rest of my life…just becuase I have had a difficult few years, does not mean that I do not deserve what I want- to finish uni, be a great teacher, get married, have a family, live in my white-picket fenced home with my 2 dogs and live the simple life….it’s all I want…. The last 5 years of my life do not mean that I woll not get this!

 

Results!

{ September 4, 2009 @ 8:59 am } · { Amost married life, Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Uni }
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After my rather lengthy ‘whine’ the other day about this group uni assessment, I have good news- We managed an 80%- A High Distinction for us :D I was rather thrilled that have the marks land in my inbox today…cheered me up a bit! After all the stress and worry, we pulled through. I know, in my heart and in my head, that really we didn’t do that well, but who is complaining!

I have a lovely weekend ahead of me with R…He goes home again on Sunday, which makes me feel sad. BUT, we have dinner organised for tomorrow, as well as all day Sunday to ourselves. I am in two places about him going, but I am glad he goes before I venture into School next week- I imagine I’ll be stressed!

Oh- and we’re going to look at a beautiful unit to buy in my current suburb on Saturday afternoon too…I am so excited. It’s a lovely red brick place- 2 bedroom, one bathroom, wood-look flooring throughout the whole unit, and it’s an upper floor one- with a balcony! $350,000 is a scary amount to spend on a unit, but it’s not my money thankfully. My parents sprung the ‘investement property’ bombshell a few weeks ago, and I found this one by accident, and sheer luck. I told them about it, so we’ll see what happens. The thought of R and I going to look at houses gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling though. God I cannot wait to marry this man.

He is awesome. He’s my life-saver…my everything.

I LOVE YOU!!!!

Deepdreamer

{ August 20, 2009 @ 3:00 am } · { Amost married life, Family and Friends, Lily, Uni }
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I am still here!Honest! I took a little hiatus from my blog fo a while. I couldn’t think of anything to say, what to write, anything at all… But it’s all ok now.

Uni has been absolutley flat chat for the last 2 weeks or so. As we all go on our first teaching prac on the 7th September, we have 5 assesments due beofre then, so it’s a little stressful! But the essays and reports I have been writing have been great in helping me discover who I am as a teacher.

My parents have surprised me with the notion of them buying a house here as an ‘investment property’… I dont quite understand why, but it certainly will make things easier for R and I next year if things go to plan..now I just have to have ‘the’ talk with them about us moving in together… :S

On a more sour note, my shift at work has been cut back to a mere 4 hours a week…I am a full time student so I only work on Saturdays…my shortened shift made me sad!

As for Lily’s Legacy? Well, I have a Facebook profile, which Dana has been a big help in making it grow with friends- she has sent me so may suggestions…LL is now at 70 FB members and still going strong.

The website/blog, or whatever I choose to base LL from, is going to be my next step. I want the theme for it to be classy and overall, just a nice place for heartbroken parents to have just a tiny slice of their pain lessened. I’m thinking black and white, nice music- if I can get that far, and of course, photos and messages from parents to their children.

I really hope I can get this off the ground. Baby steps for now.

Deepdreamer

A not so nice place…

{ July 6, 2009 @ 1:58 pm } · { Amost married life, Lily, Troubling thoughts }
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I have entered into the not so nice place that I seem to slip into without realising it…These moods scare me so. I just feel so flat- I feel like shit…it is so hard to explain, and yet so hard to keep hidden. I have so much to be thankful for and yet it is so hard to simply smile. I should have no reason to be feeling so down.

A niggling thought keeps floating back to me about ‘why’. I have a strong feeling that it is because it is ‘that time’ again. It’s been almost 3 years to the day that I miscarried my baby, my little butterfly. Am I allowed to be feeling this way after so long? I feel miserable about feeling miserable about the fact that it has been 3 years and I still think of her all the time, I wonder what life would have been like, and mostly, what my 2 and a bit year old daughter would look like.

Now I have typed this, I have a little smile on my face, knowing that a beautiful little, dark haired, chubby girl named Lily is looking down on me and keeping me safe, and she’ll keep my other chidren safe when they join R and I in the future…

I like to think of her a a toddler…do babies keep growing and changing and growing up in heaven?

Depression, go away and come again another day.

Deepdreamer

All is quiet…

{ May 24, 2009 @ 9:39 am } · { Amost married life, Family and Friends, Troubling thoughts, Uni }
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I’ve been a little quiet lately…haven’t had the time/enegrgy to update…

R. managed to get himself quite injured on the 14th May…I was at the art gallery with my best friend from uni, and I recieve a text- ‘hi honey…i’m at the hospital with a gash to the forehead and 2 missing teeth- a bar fell off a crane and smashed me in the face…I don’t want you to worry..’

Poor love! There wasn’t much I could do from 500ks away, and when he rang soon after, he said “I expected you to be more worried!’  I was worried, but I knew he was ok.

So 8 stitches, a trip to the doctor, the dentist and a course of antibiotics, he came dwon to see me, despite his mother’s protests that he shouldn’t be travelling! Poor kid looks a bit banged up, but for the most part, he’s a trooper.

Also getting to the business end of the semester at uni- 3 assessments worth %70 of the unit mark, plus one exam, then freedon on the 11th june! It’s been a hard semester with such a big workload, but so worth it. The exhaustion is getting annoying, but I’ll make up for it with a 3 week holiday next month!

My best friend Bec is being induced tonight. SO maybe by this time tomorrow, she’ll be a mummy… :S

I am happy and relieved that it is all over. She’ll have her little baby and hopefully be a little more comfortable. I feel a little selfish, but I am glad that it is all over. I have given up a LOT of my own time to help her out, go to the hospital, keep her company, I was even there the night she found out she was pregnant- I had to buy the test :D She’s let me share her pregnancy with her, which has been a very special and beautiful experience…

All my effort and support only for her to keep saying to me “I only want my mum here…” It seems really selfish of me to be getting annoyed at her for constantly saying it, and I understand why she wants here mum, but it still hurts because I feel like I’m not good enough. Don’t get me wrong- no one forced me to give up my time, and I did it bacuase she’s my best friend,but it’s just difficult.

It will all be over by tomorrow though.

I will post photos if I can work out how!

A long day…

{ May 4, 2009 @ 2:11 pm } · { Amost married life, Family and Friends, Lily, Uni }
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Just to report…

I have been up since 4am- my fiance is coming down for the weekend, so I’ve booked this weekend off work. Which meant that I picked up an extra shift this morning, starting at 5am. I am not so sure that the money is worth it, seeing as I finished at 9am and had Life Drawing class at 9:30am.

Needless to say, I made it to uni on time, tired and grumpy!

In baby news:

Heather had her baby girl on saturday! I am so happy for her. She’s already a wonderful mummy to her angel son Aodin, and I have no doubst she’ll be an amazing mummy to Evi too :)

Still no action with Bec- any day now, I am hoping! I am keeping my fingers crossed  for the babay to appear May 6th ( my birthday!), but you know what they say about wednesdays child…”Wednesday’s child is full of woe…”

Amy is also due in about 2 weeks, her little girl Leah will make her life content! Married with a baby on the way…thats the way life is supposed to be.

But enough baby news. I am feeling ok again about ‘everyone’ having babies and being pregnant…My time will come again- beofre I know it, I have no doubt. I just have to wait my turn.

I turn 20 this week. People roll their eyes when I say ‘my god I feel old’, but there is something about it that just seems…well, grown up. I will be a proper adult.

It has been 20 years since I made my rather dramatic entrace to the world, at a mere 24-25 weeks gestation ( mum isn’t 100% sure which week she was when she had me)…and now look. Helathy, happy ( as happy as I can be), doing well at uni, engaged…and alive. I came so close to death in the first precarious weeks of my life.

I am just one of the lucky ones. 20 years ago I survived, whereas so many born today, even with the technology and developments in medicine, they do not make it. That scares me.

It also makes me appreciate everything I have. Luck, and fate, I believe, kept me here. I am supposed to do SOMETHING with my life, but I am not sure what…yet…

You have to wait!

{ April 28, 2009 @ 1:31 pm } · { Amost married life, Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
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I have to wait for the baby that I long for, that I deam of, the baby that I can so easily see myself holding…

What do I do with the fact that EVERYONE around me is haing babies, and I have to wait? I did not get to hold onto my first baby. She grew her butterfly wings too early. God I miss her.

I have one of my best friends due to have a baby in a few weeks. She is so uncomfortable and over being pregnant. She’s also reached the stage where she is horribly hormonal and cranky that I don’t really know what to say to her! She is so lucky she has has the chance to go on this journey with her baby, and now we are at the end of it…I am so scared of what ‘could’ happen… But I have to stop thinking of that!

And our dear friend Heather (yummysushipajamas) who is expecting little Evi any day now…Aodin will look over you and Aaron to make sure Evi arrives safely into your awaiting arms!

The reason for this post? My friend who has a little boy- hes just turned one- is expecting another baby. So that will be 2 uner the age of 2, and she will only just be 20. I am jealous that she is pregnant and I can’t be because I chose to go to uni. ‘S’ and her partner rely solely on Centerlink handouts to support them, simply because they are stupid with money and he’s a bit of a dead beat who is too lazy to work. And they are bringing another baby into their small, struggling home…When I think of the life that R and I could give our child or children….it makes my chest hurt to think of it, because I can’t have it yet. I have to force myself to wait until I finish my degree and make a decent life for ourselves. And get married…

If THEY can have a baby, what hope do I have, with having already lost one baby to miscarriage which could equal problems with carrying a baby to term, and with R possibly being infertile.

I guess time will tell, but with the world being BABIES,BABIES,BABIES, its a bit hard to keep away from it all…

Good luck to Bec, ‘S’ and Heather, as well as Amy and Sharyn…so may of you with little babies on the way, and yet so many of us have empty arms…

Deepdreamer

Forward looking thoughts

{ December 30, 2008 @ 6:09 am } · { Amost married life, Lily, Uni }
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I am hoping 2009 will bring as much joy and as many challenges as 2008 did. Its been a big year for me as a person, and I feel as thought I have grown from it.
It has been a year where I have accepted and come to terms with the loss of Lily- 2 years on. It has been a long, painful journey, but I DID IT! I will never forget her, or how she touched my life, but I’m here still. I’m at the end of the tunnel. I thought I’d never make it.

Its also been a year of new experiences, where I have moved away from home for good and have a totally new life for myself. Living in the city has been an adventure, one where I have met so many people and have seen so many new things.

Being away from my fiance for most of the year makes us cherish the time we have together, and we are one of the few couples who have a long distance relationship that WORKS! We are happily in love and wouldn’t change a thing for now.

2008 has also been a year where I have followed through with something…” I am going to…” starts off many sentences, but ‘I am going to uni to become a teacher’ is one that I’VE ACTUALLY PERSUED!

It has been a challenging, fun and rewarding experience for me, and is just the beginning of my journey into teaching. I cannot wait to make a difference to my student’s lives and inspire them to succeed in what ever path they should choose to follow.

I am not really sure if someone out there is following my blog, or if anyone has even tubled upon it, but to those who read this, all the best for the Festive season and best wishes for 2009…

Deepdreamer

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