Archive for Family

No title, no feelings.

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:14 am } · { Amost married life, Family, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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How can you be perfecty fine one minute and telling memy attitude is ”not fucking good enough” the next? And THEN be totally fine the next? HOW does that work!? 

R and I had a fight- over the phone- about something that started out as so trivial… I did a favour for my friend and the we began arguing about how I do too much for other people and get nothing in return…I dont know why I do it. Too keen to please maybe? Long story short, I was trying to explain the whole confusing situation to him, and apparrently I get this “tone” in my voice. Before I know it, he is telling me to shut up because he refuses to talk to me when I am like that…

LIKE WHAT???

I try again, to explain it in a calmer tone,  but the moment is gone. I just want to get off the phone before I get angry and say things I don’t mean… As susual, I can’t help it- I cry. I think it gets through to him and he eases up. “Sorry” he says…it can’t take it back, all of the things you said.

He carries on as normal, all the while I am thinking “please just go away…please let me cry in peace…” and he tries to cheer me up.

His piece of ‘cheering up news’ was to tell me that his mate at work, his partner is pregnant, about 12 weeks along….the exact amount that I should have been with Speck….I cry more.  He asked me if I was ok, and I said yes. It hurt alot, knowing that her baby will be due at the same time as mine should have been….What a horrible weekend. I slept well that night, needless to say…I slept the sleep of the exhausted. Crying takes a lot out of me….

He thinks everything is fine, but I am afraid I cannot forget… Yesterday was a hard day of trying not to let our fight get to me…I knew that if someone so much as looked at me wrong, I would cry. I spent the afternoon chatting to other mums and taking it easy. I have a new book, so it distracted me from the real world.

Hopefully this sad, down mood will lift and I can feel like I want to talk to R. I just can’t talk to him at the moment….I can’t.

I can’t win :(

Deepdreamer

 

My life, in dot points…

{ October 28, 2009 @ 2:25 pm } · { Baby number 2, Family, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts, Uni }
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Here’s a list of the things I have going on in my life right now that are making me stress out a bit…

-Finishing uni for the year- I have 2 assessments and 2 exams to go- I finish by the 11th Novemeber

-Finding a house- R and myself as well as my current house mate need somewhere to live by the time our lease is up on December 6th, so ideally, we need somewhere by about the 22nd November.

-Talking about Speck with R- I can’t talk about it….

-Lily’s Legacy- I STILL need to find people to photograph… how do I ask someone “hey I need a photo of you and your baby in ‘x’ pose/your pregnant belly…” I will work it out… Still have to sort out HOW it will all work- mainly via email though….and as for payments? Maybe just straight into a bank account or my Paypal? R also has no idea of what I do with this work either, and I *suspect* he wil find out when we move in together…I will tell him.

-Parentals- both my mum and dad aren’t thrilled with R and I moving in together, R’s parents are pissed at me becuase they think I am walking all over him and not keeping him involved with the house hunting…sheesh….

-Friends- trying to catch up with everyone is just not happening…

-Angel Mums and Dads- trying to be supportive and ‘there’ both through LL, and on FB, all while trying to deal with my recent loss. It’s hard work and I feel as though I am neglecting everyone, in particular, Kirsten… ( love to you)

Its been a while…

{ February 10, 2009 @ 11:29 am } · { Family, Troubling thoughts, Uncategorized }
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I thought I’d quickly bring anyone who is interested up to speed. I’m still alive, and I am back at uni, living on campus for another year.

R and I are currently going through testing times, pardon the pun. We may or may not be pregnant.

I’m scared and he is scared, but we’re waiting another week or so beofre we drag out the pee stick.

I have all the symptoms- morning ( all day) sickness, sore boobs, exhausted by 3pm which means lots of naps, a coffee sensitivity and a late period.

I am still so young, and not ready. I keep telling myself it is nothing, just my body playing up, but there is always a nagging thought ‘what if…’

I love to think of the whole baby growing, huge belly, someone entirely dependent on us, but on the other hand…My career. My life now. There is no room for a baby. Then I’d also be right back where I started- in my home town, broke and pregnant too young…

I will know for sure in about a week, but I’m sure this post will be just me worrying, rather than saying my suspicions are correct… I’d give ANYTIHING for a baby, even now., especially given everything I have been through…I really am confused!!!