Archive for Rambles and stories

This is how I am…

{ November 29, 2009 @ 1:38 pm } · { Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

It is funny ( not really funny- funny strange) how a picture can sum up how we are feeling, whereas we often cannot find the words to express it… This is where my love for art and art teaching comes from- it is another outlet, a derivation of our sub-conscious, it is  a way to express visually what we cannot speak of verbally.

Well…

{ November 22, 2009 @ 12:47 pm } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

To end my weekend…I am a wee bit pissed, and blogging. Quite possibly not a good combination. I cannot help but feel a bit weak, a lot sad and extremely lost. I wish that R and I could stop fighting…it seems that everytime I call, or he calls me, we end up arguing. How depressing. It is hard, becuase we aren’t communicating anymore. He even says that he can’t tell what I am thinking anymore…Am I really beginning to shut myself off from him? I just cannot bear the thought of bringing him down…I cannot bring myself to share how I am really, truly feeling. I just can’t. I know I SHOULD, but something stops me every single damned time…

I feel sad. Speck should have still been nestled away, safe inside of me…12 weeks I should have been, just beginning to tell people. Speck wouldn’t have been a Speck…Speck would have been a proper little human, with eyes, legs, nails and a little tiny beating heart….You would be smiling my little angel…SMILING!!! I am so sorry that my body let you down, let your big sister down…I can only wish, pray, that this does not strike me again…2 miscarriages are enough…I don’t know what I will do if it happens again…

Deepdreamer

 

{ November 10, 2009 @ 1:13 pm } · { Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories }
{ } · { Comments (2) }

I tell myself each time I pick up a book “Don’t read about anything related to pregnancy or babies” or anything that would get me upset. I picked up “Three Seasons” by Jane Hansen, an Australian journalist and war correspondant. I thought to myself “fabulous! An exciting read, and bonus! She’s Aussie too!”

As I got into the book, it turned out that it wasn’t just about her ventures overseas and dodging landmines in Iraq, little sleep, no life… It was Jane’s battle with becoming a mother.

“OH GOD DAMN IT!!” my brain shouted to me…I always do this…

However, this book is one of those ones that can honestly go down as one of those ones that really and truly change your life…

At 38, she began her journey to motherhood. Out of the 4 pregnancies she concieved, she lost 2 of them- one baby at 10 weeks into the pregnancy, and another baby at 19 weeks- a baby called Thomas.

During her 3rd pregnancy, she went into labour at 26 weeks, giving birth to her son Jackson. Little Jackson’ story has been told beautifully by his mother, his fight for life, his amazing struggle…It made me smile, laugh and above all, it made me cry. So very much…his poor mother and father…their journey was a long one! And one well worth it. Jackson was so very worth it, despite what people may think.

Only critisism, as is with anyone who has gone to have a more ’signifiant’ loss ( later stage pregnancy loss, still birth), as much as it does hurt…I was disappointed to see that the baby she miscarried- the first baby she lost- only got a few pages dedicated to him or her…it only resonates with me because it makes me feel as though what I have gone through with both of my babies, it is not importnant…that the grief is ‘better’, it is sadder to lost a baby further along…I thought the pain was all the same, regardless. It has left me wondering if the devestation that I feel over Lily and Speck..how much worse would it have been if I had lost them later into my pregnancies? If I had lost them at 20 weeks, 30 weeks, full term…

I guess that the reason losing them has hit me so hard is simply becuase I was so young…17 and 20 respectivley is too young to know the horrors and grief of losing a child ( in my case, children) to miscarriage. I should not know this horrible world, this club, that we are all members of…

Above all, if you are going to read one life changing book, read this one!!! It has made me appreciate my angel babies just that little more, made me appreciate my life and everything I have…

Sleep well little Jackson

Deepdreamer

 

Lessons I have learned in life so far…

{ November 7, 2009 @ 8:12 am } · { Amost married life, Baby number 2, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Uni }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

1: The customer is always right- even when they’re yelling in your face!

2: Just because I have had 2 miscarriages before I was 21, it does not mean that people get to judge me.

3: Cutting and other forms of self harm are not a good way to deal with my emotions following my m/c’s.

4: Buying clothes that ‘look’ as though they will fit, probably won’t….try them on!

5: off milk and mouldy bread ARE going to give you food poisoning :D

6: Fish/pets in general cannot feed themselves- otherwise they die!

7: Teenage kids in schools are turds…

8:My friends know more about me than my parents do…

9: My finace is my best friend- your partner should be your friend above all else!

10: My life so far does not define the rest of my life…just becuase I have had a difficult few years, does not mean that I do not deserve what I want- to finish uni, be a great teacher, get married, have a family, live in my white-picket fenced home with my 2 dogs and live the simple life….it’s all I want…. The last 5 years of my life do not mean that I woll not get this!

 

I am still here!!!!

{ November 5, 2009 @ 1:06 pm } · { Family and Friends, Rambles and stories, Uni }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Really….Not much to report I guess- uni is still going, although last classes this week, and exams next week. On the 12th of November, I am a free woman!!!!

Still trying to find a house- lots of looking, lots of getting confused about which house is which online, lots of knockbacks, lots of competition!

A bit of a stall on LL, but I figure it’s all good…I will get the whole thing going…after uni wraps up for the year!

I am going home in a few weeks- about the 16th or 17th I think…just off for a few days to pack up my remaining gear I have at my parents house, then back down to officially move in to a new house ( if we get one by then). It should be nice- all my friends are pumped to see me again, and I am looking forward to ‘date’ night with R, and some fine local cuisine and a biiiiggg glass of wine. It will be fab!

That’s really it- uni, packing, house hunting, travelling…that’s about it for now folks!

Deepdreamer

My life, in dot points…

{ October 28, 2009 @ 2:25 pm } · { Baby number 2, Family, Family and Friends, Lily, Miscarriage, Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts, Uni }
{ } · { Comments (1) }

Here’s a list of the things I have going on in my life right now that are making me stress out a bit…

-Finishing uni for the year- I have 2 assessments and 2 exams to go- I finish by the 11th Novemeber

-Finding a house- R and myself as well as my current house mate need somewhere to live by the time our lease is up on December 6th, so ideally, we need somewhere by about the 22nd November.

-Talking about Speck with R- I can’t talk about it….

-Lily’s Legacy- I STILL need to find people to photograph… how do I ask someone “hey I need a photo of you and your baby in ‘x’ pose/your pregnant belly…” I will work it out… Still have to sort out HOW it will all work- mainly via email though….and as for payments? Maybe just straight into a bank account or my Paypal? R also has no idea of what I do with this work either, and I *suspect* he wil find out when we move in together…I will tell him.

-Parentals- both my mum and dad aren’t thrilled with R and I moving in together, R’s parents are pissed at me becuase they think I am walking all over him and not keeping him involved with the house hunting…sheesh….

-Friends- trying to catch up with everyone is just not happening…

-Angel Mums and Dads- trying to be supportive and ‘there’ both through LL, and on FB, all while trying to deal with my recent loss. It’s hard work and I feel as though I am neglecting everyone, in particular, Kirsten… ( love to you)

Time for me, now!!

{ September 24, 2009 @ 12:46 pm } · { Rambles and stories, Uni }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

Tomorrow brings the end of my teaching prac…I am feeling relieved that it is over with, and cannot wait to go back to uni again, however I am also feeling sad to be leaving. The people I have met, the students I have taught, the insight and invaluable expreience I have gained, it has all been amazing. The whole experience has made me grow as a person and as a teacher, and I have learned all sorts of things that we do not get told at uni…

The insight into the ‘real world’ of teaching has been an awesome thing- daunting and sometimes worrying, but on the whole, a priceless thing. I no longer doubt myself- I was scared that I did not know enough, and that I would never learn enough, but to my surprise, it is all there- lurking under the surface. The 2 years I have so far spent at uni HAS sunk into my tiny brain…I just needed to put it into practice :)

I am going to miss these guys, and I have no doubt the experience will stay with me forever!

Deepdreamer

See

{ September 20, 2009 @ 12:48 pm } · { Rambles and stories, Uncategorized }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

When I am dead,

And my dearest sing no songs for me;

Plant thou no roses at my head, nor shady cypress tree;

Be the grass green above me,

With shadows and dew drops wet,

And if thou wilt remember, and if thou wilt;

Forget.

 

I shall not see tha shadows,

I shall not hear the rain;

I shall not hear the nighting gale,

Sing on as if in pain;

And dreaming through the twilight;

That doth not rise nor set,

Haply I may remember,

And haply I may forget.

The end of the week already?

{ September 13, 2009 @ 11:55 am } · { Rambles and stories, Uni }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I cannot believe that my weekend is nearly over already. I suppose that’s what you get when you’re juggling!

It’s been a week of 6:30am starts, Monday to Friday, teaching or observing all day at school, then not getting home til close to 4pm. In peak hour…eh.

Then Saturdays, it’s a 5am start for work…I don’t know why I am doing this to myself! I really really wish I had booked the time off work, but little ol’ determined me said “nooo, what’s 3 weeks of more or less working full time at school- work on Saturday’s won’t hurt..”

Suck on that subconscious! I am absolutley exhausted, and sick, and in need of another day off.

Oh well. Stop complaining. Things could be worse…

I have my horrible class again tomorrow…Only instead of punishing the naughty children I am going to have, they get to go to the library to complete a research task…THEY DON’T DESERVE TO!!! Arragh! If I had it my way, they’d be using books…acy=tually there’s an idea- if the kids I have my eye on mess up, they’ll be off the computers and researching using boring old books ( their opinion, not mine!) faster than they can say “aaaaawwww, Miss- that’s not fair!’

So there. Actually, that’s made me feel much better!

‘Teacher Bitch’ AKA Deepdreamer

Friday

{ September 11, 2009 @ 9:54 am } · { Rambles and stories, Troubling thoughts, Uni }
{ } · { Leave a Comment }

I had my first awful class today. About 7 kids were just horrible. Ratty, touching each other, other people’s work, getting out of their seats more often than neccesary, putting no effort in, arguing with me, back chatting…the list goes on. I felt awful, because the rest of the class was so well behaved, and produced some really nice work.

I ended up moving 2 students, and having a word to several as well. Overall it was just attitude and behaviour problems, mixed in with ‘Friday-itis’. However, it totally ruined my day, and was a downer heading into the weekend, but there isn’t much I can do…

My solution to these kids? ONE warning and then it’s away from the people they’re sitting with ( isolation) and copying out of an art book, word for word- a hard one.

I honestly hate to punish kids, but these guys just got under my skin! And they knew it. But I didn’t let it show…and I am going into monday showing no fear- Period 1 monday is my next lesson with them, so we’ll see how it goes.

Here’s to a 5am start tomorrow for work! :(

Deepdreamer

« Previous entries