The power of two

I blogged previously about something that stands to affect our lives in the very near fututre ( and No, I’m not pregnant).

DF and I both went to work yesterday after the preious night’s bombshell, unsure of what was to come.

I had a much better day, clamer classes, I got home early, DF had a better day as well.

We were able to talk about what had happened, and came to the realisation that we COULD do it, build a home and pay the mortgage, however our standard of living that we’ve grown accustomed to will be the first thing to go. I’d rather go without than give up this journey.

We decided that no matter what, as long as we have each other, we’ll make everything work.

It does mean, that until things get back to normal, and we’re in a better financial position, a baby is most definitely on hold until at least 2018. Wow. That seems forever away.

But with DF by my side, we’ll be ok.

Universe and such is life

Well, when it rains, it pours.

The last few days have gone from bad to horribly bad.

Compared to what other people in our community are going through, it seems trivial, but to me, because of someone else’s decision, this falling of the axe is HUGE to my and my DF.

It affects our future, it affects our plans for something as simple as building a home.

It pretty much affects everything.

So on top of having a rough few days emotionally, my classes were off the wall yesterday, I have ruined artwork, and then came home to potentially life altering news.

The home we have just signed to build is literally the only thing keeping me going besides teaching at this school. If that is ripped away as well, I don’t know how I’ll cope.

The one thing I promised DF last night though was that no matter what, we’re getting married on the date we set for next year. Come hell or high water.

The ability to see…

If we all posessed the ablilty to see into our futures, I am sure most of us would never have dreamed of a family. Most of us would have seen the heartbreak of pregnancy loss, and the impact of life after loss and walked away with our hands up.

No way, no how. No way would we put ourselves through this if we could see into the future, the damage that it causes.

But we can’t.

We go through it, pregnancy after pregnancy, attempt after attempt, failure after failure.

All in the hopes that because we CAN’T see into our futures, that there may indeed be a baby at the end of it.

One mamma has given up her quest for motherhood, and as painful as it is to have given up, she is looking at not the end of a journey, but the beginning of the rest of her life.

Another dear friend of mine (Mo) has just said goodbye to her beautiful baby boy at just shy of 24 weeks, and is in the place I call “limbo”. Waiting for the beginning of her journey.

A woman I have met through my volunteer work, following the loss of her son, as well as 3 miscarriages and the loss of her current pregnancy’c twin early on, is 38 weeks and counting. And terrified. And overjoyed. She’s about to begin a journey, and I wish her all the best for it.

If any of these women could change what they have been through just by being able to forsee the future?

I don’t think so. I think that many of them would say “no”.

To experience this loss, it takes away all of the superficial crap that we ususally negotiate our way through. I meet regularly with a girl I have only met in person a handful of times. It is never awkward. We just start chatting away.

One of my best friends is a beautiul lady who I have never met IRL. And here I am, planning a trip to see her. Not planning now, its actually happening. Tickets are paid for!

Experiencing loss cuts us to the core. It destroys us, changes us, inspires us.

For us, it is not about who has the flashest car, or the nicest house, or if you come from a different natuonality. Even, at the end of the day, it isn’t about the fact that we do or don’t have children.We are all mothers. Its the experiences that we all have in common are what bring us together.

I think if I knew the heartache that LALwould bring, I’d never have gone for it. At the same time, if I could have seen the beautiful, simple, amazing friendships that had been spun from my losses, I’d do it a million times over.

This post is for all of you- no matter where you are in your LAL journey.

 

Babies, October, Peace and Overseas

I’m thrilled to announce that I have now planned, booked and paid for (mostly) my very first overseas holiday! I’ve never even left the country, so why not go BIG time and hit up America. I am off to visit two very special ladies.

I’ve never met either of these people in “real life”, however the sisterhood formed online is one that is stronger than any I have ever shared with any other person.

I am flying to the “States” in October, just in time for October 15th. I am playing with the idea of hosting a service with Kay (http://mommyofoctoberangels.blogspot.com), just something simple, honest and lovely. If it is just us, then how amazing will it be for us to share such a significant day with one of the few people who “get” the world of “young” loss. But if it is with a small crowd, I hope to bring a sense of peace surrounding the day. A chance for them to know they’re not alone. And their babies are remembered and loved.

More on that to come.

I am also spending 4 wonderful days with a dear friend, who lost her daughter a month after I lost Lily. We were both pregnant at the same time, believed both our babes were girls, both lost our babes to the same fate. Both of us struggled, fought with ourselves, and reched out. She was the hand who pulled me from the edge, and I was hers. Together, via email, we recovered. Slowly. I took the chance to read through our emails, a correspondence that lasted 2 years before we got busy and found each other on FB. <3 That 2 years worth of emails made me realise that it isn’t weird to pay a lot of money to visit people I have never met. Its our experiences that have brought us together.

I get to meet these beautiful laides this year. In 8 months time. IS it October yet?

Thanks to our babies.

Remembering

Lily Natalie

“Little Speck”

James Michael

Kylie Rose

Daniel Bishop

Lilla Bjorn

Sara

The Finishing Line

A while back, I blogged that it was “my first day of my last year of study”.

Well

Today is the last day of my first bachelor’s degree.

After today’s assessment, I am a qualified teacher.

It is the end of this journey for me. I look back over the last 5 years ( 4 of which were taken up by my studies), and cannot believe I am here. Finally. After years of struggles, tears, joy, way to much wine, long nights, early mornings, beautiful friends, I am here.

Lily gave me the push in the direction of following my dream of becoming a teacher, and Little Speck, even more so.

I had so mnay moments where I was convinced I COULD NOT GO ON, I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t good enough. I think I’ll always continue to do this, but for now, I’ll do it with a qualifiection in my hand!

I am now a teacher, ready to change the future, to change lives, even if it is only on person at a time.

I’ve always said that if I can make the difference that one of my high school teacher’s made to my life ( she was amazing when I revealed that I had suffered a miscarriage, she was my support person for a long time after that.), to just one student, if I can help them through the roughest point of their life by just listening, I will know I have done my job.

To NB- Thankyou, from the very bottom of my heart.

I am a teacher now.

I did it.

So, last Thursday, I cracked.

Big time.

Months of stress, exhaustion and frustration finally came out and I crashed mentally.

I think I have finally reached what people call ‘burn out’.

I. Am. Just. Exhausted.

I went home to my parents for a 4 day rest. Needless to say, I needed it.

I am studying full time, working part time, at uni 4 out of 7 days usually, money is very worrying right now, I run a house, do the grocery shopping, do the majority of the cooking and cleaning in a home of 4 people, I am always, ALWAYS there for my friends and family when they need me.

My mother says that I simply undervalue what I do. I do a lot- too much for me to cope with lately. I have always believed that I am ‘just’ a student, therefore am unofficially expected to do a little more than my house mates. But in all honesty, they’re taking it for granted. Even DF.

So an increase in my happy pills Zoloft and a brief break have allowed me to slowly get my head back together. I’m on 100mg a day now, and playing it by ear. Also we see a return to the therapist. Tell you- batshit crazy here.

I am no where near ok, but I am coping. My housemate even cleaned the whole house the other day.

I haven’t been able to pick up a text book or do any form of study since the week before last. I have grand plans to sit down and do some work tomorrow. Honest. I think my poor brain just needs a break.

I’m exhausted, shattered, but working through it.

And on this note;

“This morning’s dawn light painted by the sky for you…Today the breeze dances in honour of you…Tonight it will be the moon and the stars sending out shining rays…” (Unknown Author)

A post inspired by Mo

I was reading through my “tag surfer” posts, where people who have the same tags in their posts as me, they come up and I stalk read them.

Mo (mommyodyssey.wordpress.com) blogged about “then” and “now” and how her 22 year old self was the same as her 31 year old self, but so vastly different.

I wanted to cry, as I read her beautiful post.

It said to me “I am ok, and I am ok with that.”

It made me reflect on my life, all of 22 years myself.

I too, as Mo has, suffered (for the majority of the time) from un-diagnosed depression. Since I was about 14, I have struggled with dark thoughts, down moods and bouts of crying. That’s the clean version.

But then, I look at the events in my life, and I cannot believe it.

Despite severe depression, self harming, starving myself, falling pregnant, miscarrying, working myself to the bone, meeting DF, moving away from home to uni, doing reasonably well and never accepting it, falling pregnant, miscarrying, back to uni, joining a P&IL volunteer group and making a genuine difference, moving in with DF, struggling with an even more severe bout of depression, I look back and smile.

Despite ALL of that- that is the short version- I have come to the realisation that I have gone through ALL of that, I have come out on top. I am in a relationship- an honest, respectful, amazing relationship- with a man whom I love with all of my heart, I am completely supporting meyself and living with DF, I am about to embark on my dream career, a career I knew I wante to persue since I was 13, as a teacher. I am a good teacher. I really am.

I am a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a finace, a mother, a friend, a support to the P&IL community.

I am ok, and I am ok with that.

I am me, and I have come out on top, despite all the crap the universe has thrown at me.

Thankyou Mo for reminding me of this.

What are you doing to mark August 19th?

For those of you who do not know, August 19th is the “Day of Hope”started by Carly at Names in the Sand (http://august19thdayofhope.blogspot.com/). It is a day where babyloss mammas and daddys can give and donate memory boxes and significan items to a hopsital in memory of their child that died. This year is the first year that I am particiapting.

I am aiming for 5 boxes in total. Two are for babies who are stillborn, and 3 are for parents who experience early pregnancy loss. In each box will be two blankets, a face washer, a candle holder and candle, a photo frame with one of the Day of Hope images in it, a journal and information on where to recieve help in coping with the loss.

Each box will be donated with a message; “In loving memory of”. Each box will be donated in memory of my babies, as well as close friend’s babies.

The idea is that parents will not go home empty handed, and that pregnancy and infant loss will not be taboo any longer.

I thank you Carly, and the team at Project Heal for giving me the inspiration to participate in memory.

Updates on my life in general

I dropped off the face of the earth recently. The reason? I undertook my final teaching practicum- a 3 month stint. Basically, that meant there was no time for blogging, having a life or getting enough sleep.

However, as tough as it was, it was so incredibly worth it! It was the most amazing, fufilling, satisfying experience I have had in a very long time.

In that time, we have also had finance approved for a home loan. Building will hopefully commence next year, about April. It’s exciting and petrifying all at the same time, especially with uncertainties in the property market, as well as the fact that there isn’t a 100% certainty that I will gain employment once I finish uni.

WEDDING UPDATE- After a discussion with my finace and one of my bridesmaids, its looking like the date will be April 2013. We shall see, but we’ve almost settled on a “real” date! Woohoo!

I honestly cannot think/remember anything else that is exceptionally exciting, so I may have to make this short and sweet!

But I am back, I have a life, and you will hear from me soon!

A conversation…

A conversation was had yesterday with myself, my mother’s friend and my mum. The topic of an accidental pregnancy came up, and I was asked if I fell pregnant, even though I am on the pill, would I keep it?

I was honest and said, “even though I still have lots I want to do, I would, without a doubt, keep a baby”.

I still have to finish the last semester of my studies, I want to travel to America- to visit K-, I want to “do” Europe, I want to live overseas in London for 6 months, I want to eat, drink and be merry. I want to make myself well.

But it dosen’t mean a baby would stop me.

I have reached the point in my life where, should another pregnancy occur, it would be ok. We could comfortably support ourselves, and a baby.

Ideally, I want to wait- another 5 years or so. I need to wait. I know this! I need to grow, mature, experience things, in order to make myself the best mother I can be.

I guess the main thing is that one day, wether it be sooner or later, I will get that. And in a strange way, I am content to wait.