I have a feeling it was something profound, like “Ah-hah! Things are ok”.
I guess they are, a little. I always say that I just need to roll with the punches until they stop. That’s what I am doing, taking this sudden tidal wave of grief, rolling with it, waiting it out.
I keep thinking of blog posts, or topics, but I am never near my laptop when these little nuggets of inspiration strike.
I honestly have no idea where this blog post is going, but I find it theraputic to just sit here, type, and see what happens.
It’s been an interesting, full on few weeks.
The most important thing of all? I finally, finally, finally landed a teaching job! A full 6 months after graduating. All I can say is that I am absolutley thrilled to bits, nervous, but also relieved. This job will open so many doors for me!
There has been a small niggle of doubt, and I am going to seem crazy for even going there again, but depending on what happens over the next week or so ( I am really hoping it will just be a super bad cycle), I may very well be taking maternity leave from said job.
I KNOW it is my hyperactive brain going even further into overdrive, but let’s add it up. My boobs have been so incredibly sore and swollen for 2 weeks now. Usually, this happens in the lead up to my period, but not for this length of time. I think my period is trying to come early, with some on and off spotting (TMI, I know), as well as being a little more run down than usual- think “Oh, I’ll just close my eyes for a moment”, wake up two hours later- that sort of pooped.
I know I’ll be saying that this time next week, I’ll be at the end of my period, and this niggle of worry has been for nothing- AGAIN- and I can go on my merry way, taking my happy pills, contraceptive pill and drinking far too much wine.
It doesent mean I’m not secretly hoping that this time, it may have worked. This time it might stick.
This time, I am overreacting!
Stay tuned.
I got to sleep in today, which was wonderful!
What was not wonderful was the spate of “I’m pregnant! Actually, I’m not! April Fool’s!” status updates of FB.
Not cool.
If found myself genuinley excited for a girl I have known since we were 14. Then to see the following April Fools broke my heart.
You’d think after living a life after loss for almost 6 years, the pain of a fake pregnancy would go away.
It hasn’t so far for me.
I hate April 1st.
I was fortunate enough to finish work today before lunch. If you live anywhere like I do, the choice of entertainment on TV is slim. Crap, even. Today, I caught half of a movie called “The Pregnancy Pact”. Made in 2010, it is set in a conservative town in Massachusetts, USA. From what I gathered, a group of teenaged girls decided to make a “pact”, a promise, to fall pregnant and raise their babies together in blissful ever after. None of them realised that the reality of teenage pregnancy is hard and tough. ( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ce0ES19thzY ).
All in all, it wasn’t a bad view. It accuratley portrayed the feelings I had myself when I found meself pregnant at 17. Fear, joy, overwhelming love, head in the clouds idealism, a loss of childhood. While I did not make the decision these girls did, they did show the one aspect that rang true. Continually, the girls were reminded of thier loss of future. “Don’t you want to go to college, finish high school, leave this town? Why tie yourself down with a baby?”. The girls recognised that motherhood was equally as fufilling as further education and a future. And they could still do that. Just with a few detours along the way. I imagine, had I been given the chance to have Lily, that I woulnd’t be any different now- I would have still gone to university to qualify as a teacher, it is quite possible that my DF and I would have still gotten together, and it is possible that I would have left home. A baby dosen’t stop you from achieving your dreams. It just re-routs them for a while.
The film summed up with what I wholeheartedly agree with. Teenage pregnancy is not something that can be prevented, it is something that is going to continue to occurr. The aspect of it that society, parents and the teenage mothers, is the lack of support and knowledge. A girl who is supported by her family, and given ALL of the infromation with regards to sex education and pregnancy prevention, as well a pregnancy and motherhood, has just as much of a shot at a “successful” future, as one who has never fallen pregnant.
It wasn’t that I didn’t know better. My birth control failed. It happens. Did it make me a bad person? No. It made me HUMAN.
The movie suppored the idea that at the end of the day, teenage pregnancy happens, and with the right education and support, girls will hear “Congratulations on the new baby” rather than “Your life is ruined now.”
I don’t know where we can start as a society, but removing or lessening the fear and stigma attached to teenage mothers is a good start.
With open arms, that it!
I blogged, about a year ago now, letting go, about embracing change, and discovering the real “me”, the me that isn’t defined by the fact that my babies died.
Well, I tried.
And in some ways, succeeded.
I can safely say, that while it is always at the back of my mind, the nagging, gut-wrenching longing for a baby, has gone.
It has been replaced with Zoloft, working 5 days a week, volunteering my time to a support group for bereaved parents, planning the building of a house, and planning my wedding. And taking time out for me.
To have time to get my head together, at long last, has been nothing short of amazing for me.
2011 was a long, challenging year.
I welcome 2012 with open arms- a year to work on my career, my relationship, and myself.
All the best to you and yours for 2012!
That awkward moment when you were a kid, and it seemed like everyone else has “the” latest toy, and you don’t have it because your parents have enough sense to know that the lust for said toy is going to pass.
I’ve just realised I’ve lost a dear friend of mine because I don’t have the cool toy. Or in this case, a baby.
It began with my usual “stalk” on FB. Clicked on her profile only to realise she’s deleted me. Which was very strange, as we share about 15 friends in common. So I knew it was just me that she’s de-friended…FB is a very fickle thing, so I didn’t take it too seriously.
I then sent her a private message saying “Ooops, I think I deleted you by accident” thinking that she may be embarrased. I hadn’t realised, but she’d defriended me (as did her husband) at least a month before hand.
No reply.
I then sent her an SMS a day or so later.
No response.
Then a day after that, I called her. Left a voice message.
I don’t think I need to say what happened.
I was at as loss as to what to do, because I had heard nothing from her, despite me saying that I’d love to see her and her new baby.
I wanted to give them a card for the festive season, and figured I might as well personally deliver it, and see if she was home.
No one home.
A few hours later, I recieved a very long winded text message saying (essenntially) “thanks, but I am too busy with my life to be friends with you”. So the last but, she didn’t say, but the message was very carefully worded to say ” I don’t have time for you” without actually saying it.
I replied with a basic “that’s ok, I understand. I’d love for us to get together for a coffee sometime in the New Year.”
I did what I could do, and have left the ball in her court. But I know it won’t be served back to my side of the net.
My friends have told me that I have them, which I LOVE, but there’s still a little part of me that would like an honest explanination.
I’d rather honesty than silence.
Too Soon
Tiny seed of love
That I have longed to hold,
While smallest bud,
Has ceased to grow.
Held gently in these hands
Too soon,
Blossom now within my heart
And comfort
As I let you go
I spent 5 days of last week blogging, blogging out all the shit feelings, and now.
I’m exhausted.
But on the way up. I think last Tuesday was my lowest point, but slowly and finally, I’ve found myself moving out of this funk, and returning to normal again.
Tell you what though. The moods, they’re purely and simply exhausting. It takes so much energy to be so angry at myself.
I’m trying my very best to make sure that each day, I take a breath, remind myself of what I have achieved, and that I am only human. I screw up sometimes. A lot. And I am taking a lot more time to relax, to read a magazine, to watch some trashy TV. Because guess what? After this year? I deserve it.
I drink too much
I swear too much
I am loud
Random
I come across as very confronting and brash
I cry too easily right now
I say the wrong thing at the wrong time
I am still haunted by my past
My body cannot carry a pregnancy past 10 weeks
I am scared I am going to hate my career choice
I am not a good artist
BUT.
I am me.
I am working to change a lot of these flaws.
It’s damn hard work, it hurts, but hopefully, good will be born from it.
Lately, I have been looking forward to the land of slumber, the land of my dreams. Each day, I know that this awful feeling that continues to re-surface will go- when I am asleep.
Some of it comes from the desire for another baby, but my practical side telling me no. And for good reason.
Last night, I dreamed of being at a hospital, waiting to have some sort of ultrasound or scan done on my stomach. I’d go into the room, only to be told that another case was more important, and that I’d have to wait. This happened seven or eight times. In the end, I do not know what happened, I guess I woke up. I didn’t look too much into it, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think it is an unconscious fear of another miscarriage, of not having any answers; a fear of the unknown.
I’m in that unknown currently, and it is hard work. Keeping my head above water, getting through each day, trying to stay positive.
It’s hard, but at the end of the day, I am the one in control of my emotions, not anyone else.
