I blogged, about a year ago now, letting go, about embracing change, and discovering the real “me”, the me that isn’t defined by the fact that my babies died.

Well, I tried.

And in some ways, succeeded.

I can safely say, that while it is always at the back of my mind, the nagging, gut-wrenching longing for a baby, has gone.

It has been replaced with Zoloft, working 5 days a week, volunteering my time to a support group for bereaved parents, planning the building of a house, and planning my wedding. And taking time out for me.

To have time to get my head together, at long last, has been nothing short of amazing for me.

2011 was a long, challenging year.

I welcome 2012 with open arms- a year to work on my career, my relationship, and myself.

All the best to you and yours for 2012!

I’ve just realised I’ve lost a dear friend of mine because I don’t have the cool toy. Or in this case, a baby.

It began with my usual “stalk” on FB. Clicked on her profile only to realise she’s deleted me. Which was very strange, as we share about 15 friends in common. So I knew it was just me that she’s de-friended…FB is a very fickle thing, so I didn’t take it too seriously.

I then sent her a private message saying “Ooops, I think I deleted you by accident” thinking that she may be embarrased. I hadn’t realised, but she’d defriended me (as did her husband) at least a month before hand.

No reply.

I then sent her an SMS a day or so later.

No response.

Then a day after that, I called her. Left a voice message.

I don’t think I need to say what happened.

I was at as loss as to what to do, because I had heard nothing from her, despite me saying that I’d love to see her and her new baby.

I wanted to give them a card for the festive season, and figured I might as well personally deliver it, and see if she was home.

No one home.

A few hours later, I recieved a very long winded text message saying (essenntially) “thanks, but I am too busy with my life to be friends with you”. So the last but, she didn’t say, but the message was very carefully worded to say ” I don’t have time for you” without actually saying it.

I replied with a basic “that’s ok, I understand. I’d love for us to get together for a coffee sometime in the New Year.”

I did what I could do, and have left the ball in her court. But I know it won’t be served back to my side of the net.

My friends have told me that I have them, which I LOVE, but there’s still a little part of me that would like an honest explanination.

I’d rather honesty than silence.

How can the universe be so cruel?

Another friend of mine buried the ashes of her son this week as well.

It was a beautifully moving service. Perfect to honour a perfect little boy.

Again- how can the universe be so cruel to take a little boy from his mother?

I just don’t even know how to articulate what I am trying to say.

The universe sucks.

Well

Today is the last day of my first bachelor’s degree.

After today’s assessment, I am a qualified teacher.

It is the end of this journey for me. I look back over the last 5 years ( 4 of which were taken up by my studies), and cannot believe I am here. Finally. After years of struggles, tears, joy, way to much wine, long nights, early mornings, beautiful friends, I am here.

Lily gave me the push in the direction of following my dream of becoming a teacher, and Little Speck, even more so.

I had so mnay moments where I was convinced I COULD NOT GO ON, I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t good enough. I think I’ll always continue to do this, but for now, I’ll do it with a qualifiection in my hand!

I am now a teacher, ready to change the future, to change lives, even if it is only on person at a time.

I’ve always said that if I can make the difference that one of my high school teacher’s made to my life ( she was amazing when I revealed that I had suffered a miscarriage, she was my support person for a long time after that.), to just one student, if I can help them through the roughest point of their life by just listening, I will know I have done my job.

To NB- Thankyou, from the very bottom of my heart.

I am a teacher now.

I did it.

This has been followd up with almost a week of amazing, 10 hours a night sleep. And being up at a decent hour.

The only issue with amazing sleep?

The CRAZY ASS, VIVID, “Dream like I am pregnant, but not pregnant” dreams.

This morning, it was my grandmother being the head of a secret service organisation, rescuing me from Korea or something, and before that, I had a dream that my friend’s dad- who Idon’t like- came to live with us, bragging about how much he earns. Seriously! WTF!

The night before, however, I had the most disturbing, horrific dream. I have been known for, in the past, to have dreams that turn out to be an accurate predictor of future events. I choose not to “tap” into this, however people do believe that we all have an “ability” to see into the future, or to speak to the deceased…

I dreamed that a friend of mine ,who I have fallen out of contact with (currently preggo with number 4), was stabbed to death, as well as her 5 children, and thier grandmother. Left behind her partner. The whole thing stemmed from a neighborhood dispute I think.

Seriously, brain??? It was a horrible,vivid dream, one that I have not been able to get out of my head.

Who dreams like this??

Oh.

Me.

Hmmm….

Tiny seed of love
That I have longed to hold,
While smallest bud,
Has ceased to grow.
Held gently in these hands
Too soon,
Blossom now within my heart
And comfort
As I let you go

I’m exhausted.

But on the way up. I think last Tuesday was my lowest point, but slowly and finally, I’ve found myself moving out of this funk, and returning to normal again.

Tell you what though. The moods, they’re purely and simply exhausting. It takes so much energy to be so angry at myself.

I’m trying my very best to make sure that each day, I take a breath, remind myself of what I have achieved, and that I am only human. I screw up sometimes. A lot. And I am taking a lot more time to relax, to read a magazine, to watch some trashy TV. Because guess what? After this year? I deserve it.

I swear too much

I am loud

Random

I come across as very confronting and brash

I cry too easily right now

I say the wrong thing at the wrong time

I am still haunted by my past

My body cannot carry a pregnancy past 10 weeks

I am scared I am going to hate my career choice

I am not a good artist

BUT.

I am me.

I am working to change a lot of these flaws.

It’s damn hard work, it hurts, but hopefully, good will be born from it.

Some of it comes from the desire for another baby, but my practical side telling me no. And for good reason.

Last night, I dreamed of being at a hospital, waiting to have some sort of ultrasound or scan done on my stomach. I’d go into the room, only to be told that another case was more important, and that I’d have to wait. This happened seven or eight times. In the end, I do not know what happened, I guess I woke up. I didn’t look too much into it, but the more I’ve thought about it, the more I think it is an unconscious fear of another miscarriage, of not having any answers; a fear of the unknown.

I’m in that unknown currently, and it is hard work. Keeping my head above water, getting through each day, trying to stay positive.

It’s hard, but at the end of the day, I am the one in control of my emotions, not anyone else.

After putting my foot in it yesterday, I’ve felt a huge, overwhelming range of emotions- and not the good ones.

All directed at myself.

I feel ashamed

I feel angry

I feel guilty

I feel stupid

I’ve struggled last night with a tighness in my chest, remembering to take deep breaths, I’ve been feeling dizzy, I have been feeling on the verge of a very severe panic attack, all because I know that I have upset someone.

I’ve woken up today with a headache and a heavy heart.