I get the feeling that today is going to be one of those days.

I want to be motivated, but I just can’t get there. Why? As a 5 year old would say, I don’t wanna.

I don’t want to feel like I have to be on top of my game. Today is a day where the reality of my loss has hit me and I just want to spend the day on my own. Yes, it has been nearly 3 years, but I do still have my off days. It’s a BIG thing for a teenager to go through alone, so I believe that it is still ok to be working through it.

I know I shouldn’t be stuck in this cycle- being ok for ages, then crashing, then being ok again- after all, there are other mothers and indeed fathers out there who have gone through loss more devestating than my own. To lose a fully developed baby. How that would kill a person inside.

I know I will come out of this mood eventually. Hopefully by the end of the day. Its just moments like these ones that make the journey all the more harder.

Deepdreamer

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