I have entered into the not so nice place that I seem to slip into without realising it…These moods scare me so. I just feel so flat- I feel like shit…it is so hard to explain, and yet so hard to keep hidden. I have so much to be thankful for and yet it is so hard to simply smile. I should have no reason to be feeling so down.

A niggling thought keeps floating back to me about ‘why’. I have a strong feeling that it is because it is ‘that time’ again. It’s been almost 3 years to the day that I miscarried my baby, my little butterfly. Am I allowed to be feeling this way after so long? I feel miserable about feeling miserable about the fact that it has been 3 years and I still think of her all the time, I wonder what life would have been like, and mostly, what my 2 and a bit year old daughter would look like.

Now I have typed this, I have a little smile on my face, knowing that a beautiful little, dark haired, chubby girl named Lily is looking down on me and keeping me safe, and she’ll keep my other chidren safe when they join R and I in the future…

I like to think of her a a toddler…do babies keep growing and changing and growing up in heaven?

Depression, go away and come again another day.