Unfortunatley, not mine.

My friends, mentioned in earlier posts as ‘S’ and her partner, invited me to go to their 20 week anatomy scan today.

Needless to say, I said an enthusiastic ‘YES!’ and joined them.

Being led into the ultrasound room gave me horrible flash backs, but I was ok with that. I could handle it. Was so proud of myself  O:) The ultrasound itself showed a very well developed 19wk 4d old foetus, amazingly clear images of the spine, bones and brain, as well as the baby’s little heart, beating away merrily. All in all, a beautiful, healthy, fully developed little baby.

They also found out the sex of the baby, which was very sepecial for me.

‘S’ is having a little girl, which thrilled the pants off me!

Also, they asked me to be the children’s godmother…which is a beautiful thing for them to ask me… They asked simply because I have been a big part of their first born’s life, and have been there since the beginning of S’s newest pregnancy. I feel so honoured and touched.

I doubt that my role is to actually fufil their religeous wellbeing as such ( I am so not religeous) however, I believe it is my role to simply show them the right way to go in life and to just be someone to help them as they get older.

I have to admit though, I have been struggling with the news that a good friend of mine in my course at uni is pregnant- 17 weeks in fact! I am so thrilled for her, and yet there is that ‘why not me’ niggling at the back of my mind.

I really wish these moods would disappear. The ‘down’ mood I blogged about, probably about 3 weeks ago now, still has not lifted. I forget it is there, and then it hits me full force again, as if to say “haha, sucked in- you’re not better at all!’

I have been so flat. I get so angry easily, I snap at DF so much it is not fair. I cry alot- I cried in the carpark at a supermarket because…well…I don’t really know. I lie awke at night, trying to sleep, and it just won’t come. And when it does come, the dreams…my god the dreams- of miscarriage, of loss, of having empty arms, they keep coming back to me. And then to top off the ‘great’ night’s sleep, I wake up at 7:15, without fail.

I just want to feel myself again. Doctor, doctor, here I come if this dosen’t go away… Soon.

Deepdreamer

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