I am so scared of forgetting Lily…this time 3 years ago, I was just beginning to tell people- just a few select friends- about her. Some were shocked, mostly happy, but shocked. “Her?? Pregnant at 17??’ was what I could read on their faces.

It was exactly what I was feeling though…me? How could I be pregnant?  

I was the stereotypical ‘good’ girl at school- I never acted up, never wagged school, never failed tests or classes…I was attentive, enthusiastic, reasonably smart ( I’d like to think) one who had lots of friends and was happy to have a good ol’ chat with my teachers. My parents thought I was fine…They were so wrong. I was indeed pregnant beofre the end of my final year of school…I wouldn’t even be 18 by the time my baby was born.

Gosh, by now I would have been about almost 10 weeks pregnant ( I thought it was 8 weeks but I was actually wrong)…the morning sickness was gone, but my god my breasts were killing me, and I was putting on weight…enough for me to notice. When you purposely keep your weight at 45kgs, and you’re 170cms tall, it’s pretty noticable…but that is a story for another time.  The thought “I have to tell my parents…how???” kept me awake at night, distracted from my school work, and the thought of my scummy, low life ex boyfriend plaguing my thoughts as well…his child, his daughter.

I told one of my teachers…to this day I am so grateful to him for not judging, for simply saying “You’re allowed to be pregnant you know…” That made all the difference. To you Mr P, I thank you, even to this day. You know I carried her, you know I miscarried her. You know she existed. Thankyou.

I think by now, I was about to suck up my fear and tell Mum and Dad…but fate stepped in just two days later on the 10th of August, and saved me the task of telling them about my pregnancy, about their granddaughter.

Oh Lily, how nights like these remind me of how far I have come, and how much you  have changed my life, and how much you have changed other people’s lives…your life, however short, and your legacy…It’s nights like these that I realise that the grief is just as raw and as intense as the night that I lost you.

Mummy loves you with all her heart.

Deepdreamer

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