You tip-toed into my life, surprising me with your presence. Just as quiety, you tip toed out again, leaving your imprint on my heart…

Last Friday I discovered I was pregnant. Just over 6 weeks, little heartbeat flickering away inside of my belly.

I went to the doctor becuase I thought I had eaten something bad- I had been feeling ill for days. He dropped the bombshell on me by saying ” I think you may be pregnant”.

I have to say,  I nearly fell onto the floor. Tests confirmed it. I was pregnant again. 

I had an ultrasound done- the doctor wanted to check on everything “given your past history”. He took bloods, and told me everything seemed to be ok. Told me what to do, how to eat, to rest, to relax becuase my chance of miscarrying were only 20%…

I called my baby “Little Speck”, as that is what I could see on the screen when I was having my ultrasound- a speck. My baby. I was reassured by the odds, but could not help by feel anxious about it.

I felt scared, anxious, nervous, excited, stunned, sad, and stressed all at the same time. A total mix of emotions. But I have to admit that the guilt was the worst.

All I could think of was how it was going to impact on uni…And how I was going to tell DF. “Bad timing” I kept thinking…

I warmed to the idea.

However, 5 days is not long enough to get to know a little one…not at all.

I woke yesterday- 13/10/2009- feeling fine- exhausted, but ok. By 2pm yesterday I was spotting, and by 4pm, it was heavy. The blood made my heart sink, my world freeze.

Seeing blood like that, at any stage of pargnancy is scary, but seeing it early, and if it is a loved, wanted baby? It was all I could to to stop myself from screaming in fear.

I began to shake, my heart began to race, I paniced.

I rang my doctor, and he told me to go in for a blood test and another u/sound…He also told me “Don’t stress…I am sure this is nothing..”

Was he ever wrong.

I was shaking as I was lead into a darkened room, lay down, waited.

The ultrasound the doctor preformed on my stomach showed nothnig, a sac and no heartbeat, however an internal scan revealed what in my heart I already knew.

My Little Speck was dead. Little flickering heartbeat that I had heard so clearly last Friday, was gone.

My HCG levels, comared to Firday have dropped hugely- 24 and dropping.

I am waiting to miscarry my baby.

The waiting I think is the worst. I began to tell people on Monday, and by Tuesday evening, it was over.

I canot help but feel like I should not have told my Angel Baby community. I lost Lily once I began to tell people, and now I have lost Speck.

On that not, I still have to tell DF. He does not know I was pregnant, and he does not know that I lost the baby. I honestly have NO IDEA how to tell him. This is going to break his heart. I am telling him tonight. He needs to know. I need him here.

I need my baby here.

Oh Speck, how is this fair? HOW is this fair? What did I do to deserve this- TWICE!? I am only 20…this isn’t fair.

How I miss you Speck. My heart aches for you. Your big sister Lily clearly needed some company.

Please look after Speck, my little butterfly.

Devestated and heartbroken,

Deepdreamera babySpeck at 6 weeks, 4 days

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