I am still not sure how I should be feeling? I am telling myself  that the feelings, or not feelings, are normal. I am supressing the rage, the fear, the sadness, becuase I am too scared to let myself grieve. I am telling myself I am ok, that it happened and I should move on, that I DID NOT LET MYSELF get attatched to the new baby, so I should not be feeling this way. In the back of my mind, I knew that I would not get to meet this baby, so I should not be upset that I lost him. I feel detatched from myself, just going through the motions, get up, get dressed, go to uni, absorb what I am being taught, laugh and force happiness with my friends, go home, eat, sleep, get up and do it all again.

I am numb. I cannot feel; I am too scared to let myself to. I am, according to statistics, supposed to have my babies- both Lily and Speck- here with me…late teens-20s is the best time to carry a baby…your body is the most capable and at it’s strongest to carry a pregnancy…Fuck you body. You have no idea how much I hate you right now. You couldn’t hold onto my precious babies for me…

I am also rembling so I am going to wrap this up…

*Lily*Little Speck*

Deepdreamer

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