I keep the TV up loud, DVD’s at full volume, DVD’s of TV series’ up loud to block the feeling out. I keep the stereo in my car up loud, singing along to the music, to block it out.

If I have things loud, it distracts me from thinking, from losing the plot completely. I am so scared that if I begin to cry, I will never stop. The tears that I cried for Lily are not there for Little Speck, and yet I know that they are there- ready to burst forward. They are there and I am too scared to cry. I am to scared to remember. I am too scared to grieve.

So I keep the music, the TV, the movies, up LOUD to block out the SOFT, buzzing noise ‘you lost your baby, you are a crap mother, your body can’t carry a pregnancy, YOU FAIL at being a mother, your babies didn’t want you to be their mother’

Keep it blocked out, keep it up loud and the thoughts won’t be there…