How can you be perfecty fine one minute and telling memy attitude is “not fucking good enough” the next? And THEN be totally fine the next? HOW does that work!? 

DF and I had a fight- over the phone- about something that started out as so trivial… I did a favour for my friend and the we began arguing about how I do too much for other people and get nothing in return…I dont know why I do it. Too keen to please maybe? Long story short, I was trying to explain the whole confusing situation to him, and apparrently I get this “tone” in my voice. Before I know it, he is telling me to shut up because he refuses to talk to me when I am like that…

LIKE WHAT???

I try again, to explain it in a calmer tone,  but the moment is gone. I just want to get off the phone before I get angry and say things I don’t mean… As usual, I can’t help it- I cry. I think it gets through to him and he eases up. “Sorry” he says…it can’t take it back, all of the things you said.

He carries on as normal, all the while I am thinking “please just go away…please let me cry in peace…” and he tries to cheer me up.

His piece of ‘cheering up news’ was to tell me that his friend and colleague at work, his partner is pregnant, about 12 weeks along….the exact amount that I should have been with Speck….I cry more.  He asked me if I was ok, and I said yes. It hurt alot, knowing that her baby will be due at the same time as mine should have been….What a horrible weekend. I slept well that night, needless to say…I slept the sleep of the exhausted. Crying takes a lot out of me….

He thinks everything is fine, but I am afraid I cannot forget… Yesterday was a hard day of trying not to let our fight get to me…I knew that if someone so much as looked at me wrong, I would cry. I spent the afternoon chatting to other mums and taking it easy. I have a new book, so it distracted me from the real world.

Hopefully this sad, down mood will lift and I can feel like I want to talk to DF. I just can’t talk to him at the moment….I can’t.

I can’t win 😦

Deepdreamer

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