I have been without the net for 2 weeks now…Not that it is a bad thing, but I think that this little hiatus has done me good. It has given me a chance to really get settled into my new house, slowly but surely furnish it and really turn it into a home. I even spent time sanding, stripping, staining and varishing our dining table! I am THE least DIY person ever, so I was pretty proud of myself.

I got my results for uni- early may I add! A Distinction for 2 classes, a Credit for one , and a P for PASS in my prac. So overall, not disappointed. I am satisfied. And detemined to do better next year. I guess I did ok, given everything that I have been through this semester. If I can discover that I was pregnant, and then miscarry my baby, and still come out with ok marks, I think I can do anything.

On the subject of the m/c, I am really feeling ok. I am so surprised. I guess it being my second has made a difference. I feel sad, but it isn’t the grab in your stomach, the ache in your heart, the spinning in my head, all of those horrible sensations I had when I lost Lily 3 years ago.

The Christmas season is aways hard for angel parents. The knowledge that our chidren should be here with us, here talking about what Santa is going to be bringing them, taking them to show them the christmas lights in the neighborhood, quelling their excitment on Christmas eve, watching the joy on their faces as they open their gifts, spending time with their family…They SHOUD be here with us to help celebrate…but they aren’t. Lily should be almost 3 now- in March. She’d be so excited about Christmas. Lily would laso be very excited about the arrival of her baby brother, who SHOULD be about 15 weeks old inside of his mother. I SHOULD be looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my children, but instead I have empty arms, and not even a tree for them. It is not that I’m NOT looking forward to the Christmas season, it’s just that it should be so very different…

I think 2010 is going to be a year where I throw myself into my studies- and to do well… It will be the year that I look after my poor body, excersise and eat well, and maintiain a positive mental state. It will be a year where DFand I are more in love, and more in touch than ever. I love him so much and still feel guilty about letting him down. 2010 will be a better year.

And on that note, I WILL be back….soon. Hope everyone is well and that the Christmas season is treating you all gently.

Deepdreamer

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