A friend of mine is having some issues with coping with the loss of her precious angel. One of her ways of coping is through self harm. She confided in me about this, and it took me back. I understand, was all I could think. I totally get where you are coming from. I did not tell her NOT to do it. I know all too well where the feelings to cut come from. Too well. It is a hard feeling to deal with. I self harmed for 2 years prior to losing Lily. In my teenage years, it was my way of coping with being bullied at school, hating the way I looked, trying to keep myself thin, coping with change, and in some parts, a cry for attention from a certain person ( previously generally referred to as “you”). It was a way to realease the feelings of darkness, the feelings of hatred I had for myself.

And then I fell pregnant.

And miscarried my very much loved baby.

When I was 17.

And so a day after it happened, I marked my wrists with scars so deep that I can still see them, even 3 years on.

I used a razor blade, calm as anything, sliced into my pale skin, and left 6 long, reasonably deep cuts. I could not cry. I used the only way of release I could think of at the time.  It was the way I coped. And I only ever did it once. I have never ever cut since. I guess it was the enormity of the event. Nothing has ever compared to that. Everything else that I used to harm about, it all seemed insignifiant. Petty. Pathetic. I had lost a baby.

I am 20 now, and I am in a better head space. Most days. I still have the very blade that I used to mark Lily’s existence on the inside of my left arm. It sits in it’s box, hidden. But ready. Always ready.

Self harming is a difficult thing to stop doing, and it is incredibly difficult not to turn back to it as a coping mecanism. And I know how hard it is to stop, to avoid going back to it.

My beautiful friend, THIS is why I did not tell you to stop. I understand.