In my dream, I was awaiting for my friend Bec at an ultrasound clinic. She was running late. She must have been still pregnant. She rang me and said she was not going to be able to make it. The nurse and the technitian who were waiting with me got annoyed, so I saids I was 12 weeks pregnant, why don’t they do me instard, give me the scan. I am lead into a room, I lay down on the bed, and was quickly and efficintly given both an internal and external scan. They girl could not find the baby at all- she went to get another doctor.He came in and tried again, saying “don’t worry- there it is”. But it wasnt a baby. He went on to explain that it was a chemical pregnancy, hence the positive test result. I began to sob. 12 weeks, to result in a sac of cells thst wasn’t even a baby.


The dream that I had this morning has left me shaken, panicy and desperate for a baby. I fought off a panic attack in the shower…I then went out. My licence was up for renewal, so I had to go the the center, where OF COURSE, there were no less than 3- count them- THREE- women with babies. I stuck my nose in my book until my number was called 45 minutes later.

I then had to go shopping for my soon to be 2 years old god-son. I was ok with wandering around the kiddie toy section, debating over a tricycle, a bubble bower, playdough or paints, when I accidentally wandered into the newborn section, the bit where all the baby hygine products are. It smelled like baby lotion and pwder- that distinct smell that all babies have. The familiar tighteness in my chest returned and my breath became very rapid. I fought back tears as I remembered my dream. I got myself out of there as fast as I could, deep breaths slowly calming me.

I wound up getting him a My First Learning book, some Crayola finger paints, and a pad of paper for him to send me pictures. I sure hope he likes it…