I haven’t blogged since….well, apparetly, the 5th of Feb- almost a month ago! Where on earth has the new year gone? Where has this month gone! WHERE HAVE MY HOLIDAYS GONE!?

I go back to uni today…already! I cannot believe I am at the end of my 3 and a half month long break ALREADY. I was supposed to have done so much. New paintings for the house, some writing ( maybe begin a new novel), buuuutttt….moving house, setting it up and finally finding our feet, travelling back and fourth to my home town, Christmas, New Year, my trip to Canberra…so many things… it has all eaten into the break.

And now I am going back to uni today!

I am taking 2 art units this semester. I have a few ideas rolling around in my head, both ( ideas for the 2 classes) of them based on my journey of discovery, loss and hope following the loss of my babies. My art is one of the few places where I am completely honest with who ever sees it. I do not lie to my viewers…

I am having a hard time dealing with my second loss. When I lost Speck, I was gutted, devestated, all the emotions that go with miscarriage. But as I am having a hard time dealing with, the feelings this time- the grief, the memories, the emotions, the journey- it is different this time. And unfortunately, I feel as though I am feeling this loss “less” than I did with Lily. Like Speck was less important, or something like that. I know full well that it isn’t, and I know that this time it is different becuase I am older, more mature and this loss is totally separate from my first.

Its confusing me.

But its ok. I know that it is all a part of the journey, and eventually, the tears that I have been waiting for 5 months for them to hit. The uncolntollable, ginat, heaving sobs…I have not had them. Yet.

They will come eventually.