Well.

It sucks.

It’s a hard thing to comprehend and deal with, let alone tell and remind myself that I AM a mother to my two babies. They just aren’t here with me, as much as it kills me to know this. 

It’s Speck’s due date on the 15th ( give or take a few days, I’m not 100% sure, neither was the doctor at the time.). I cannot believe it. The feelings I have? Not angry, not devestated, not the need to go and get absolutley trashed to squash the intense feelings of grief, not fear, not much really.

I feel okay about the fact that my baby SHOULD have been born about now. I feel okay that he is not here with me, that his big sister is looking after him in heaven. I was gutted, ripped apart, devestated beyond belief when Lily’s due date came and went in 2007- I was still 17. But this time around, it’s okay. I think it is becaue of my friends I have to lean on for support, and AB community, my work with Lily’s Legacy and simply the fact I am older and more mature to cope with the grief ( I’m 21- see? Older!).

At the moment, the picute of me, 38 weeks pregnant, or with a little tiny baby- the picture, to me, is toally foreign, alien to me. I just can’t picture it. Maybe it’s because I know that I have to wait for a baby, and now is not the “right” time. I have said to DF, “Anything can happen, so long as it is AFTER I go on my final professional practice, the big one.” He just looks at me with a raised eye brown and says nothing. Thanks honey!

Maybe I have processed this second miscarriage better than the first? I feel okay. And I never thought I’d be able to say that…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8lP7ZXe5t4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mR7LtmjPB-M

Carly ( of Names in The Sand) got me onto these two songs- they helped her when she lost her beautiful son, Christian. I had a listen, and they fill me with hope, and sadness, and comfort.

I know that everything is going to be okay, and I am so very proud of myself to be able to say so.

Deepdreamer

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