A perfect day to match my feelings. The clouds outside our window are dark and low, threatening to burst open with a huge shower of rain. It matches how I feel perfectly. Dark and threatening to burst at any moment. But at the same time, I feel numb, I feel nothing. It is a confusing mood to be in. None of this quite seems real.

On one hand, I wish he was here, and yet on the other, I cannot even imagine myself heavily pregnant or with a tiny little baby. Maybe this is why it does not seem real. I am losing sight of a baby in my future.  I am feircely debating about telling DF that I want the both of us to have fertility testing, but at the same time, I wonder if we’re too young? We are 21 and 20 respectively, but there is always the “what if??” What if there IS something wrong, and we cannot fall pregnant again, or carry a baby to term, without (expensive) medical help?

This is the thought that scares me the most. That we might not be able to have a baby together. It seems selfish to say this, but it is the truth.  In saying that, I also know that if children are not a part of our future, we would still stay together, and we would be happy. It makes me smile knowing this.

Little Speck, I am sorry I let you down. I am sorry that my body failed you and miscarried again. I am sorry that I could not bring myself to give you a proper name. I am sorry that I am not as sad as I was when I lost your sister. I am sorry for not thinking of you often enough.

I am sorry

I am so very sorry I let you down.