• Don’t ignore! It is hard to know what to say over such a tragic loss. I know I have done it to a friend before in the past when I felt so uncomfortable.   It meant so much to me when several friends sent my husband and I sympathy cards.  Something so small means so much.  Another friend had a small bouquet of flowers and chocolates sent to our house.  Please acknowledge our baby’s loss of life and our grief.
  • Don’t give up! You may call and find that your close friend doesn’t/can’t talk about the miscarriage.  My BFF called and I told her I couldn’t talk about it yet…it literally couldn’t come out from my mouth…I didn’t have words and was grieving too deeply.  I actually shut off my cell phone for 5 days and didn’t speak to ANYONE on the phone for a while.  Don’t let this initial “no” prevent you from asking a week later, a month later, 3 months later, 6 months, and on.  She will eventually want to talk about it or you will know when to stop asking.
  • Don’t offer excuses! A simple “I am so sorry for your loss” suffices in many situations.  It may be uncomfortable, but offering “reasons” for the baby passing only comforts you, not your friend.  Don’t tell her it would have been sick if it survived, it is nature’s way, at least you know you can get pregnant, it is God’s will, etc.  Offer your condolences and a listening ear…but don’t tell her why her baby died.  She will eventually come to that conclusion on her own.
  • Don’t just offer to help! Do something that you know will help.  SO many people say “Let me know if I can do anything” but if they are anything like me they would never ask for help even if they needed.  If she has children say a time and day you would like to babysit them.  Prepare a meal for them.  One of the best things I remember was that my former co-workers purchased a gift card to Applebee’s restaurant and told us to use it on a night we didn’t want to cook.
  • Don’t forget! Baby loss hurts for a long time.  After about a week people stop asking how you are doing.  After a month only a rare, special friend thinks enough to ask how you are coping with your baby loss.  It has been 5 months since we lost Hope Allen and I still shed a few tears now and again for my baby.  I think about him/her and miss him/her each and every day.  Don’t forget due dates either.  Our sweet baby was to be due toward the end of this month and it stirs up the loss emotions all over again.  I don’t know how I am going to cope on my baby’s supposed-to-be birthday.  I know I will want the support of my closest friends.
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