I began to slowly tell people of my second pregnancy. Just a few close angel mummy friends. I had known for a few days, and I was waiting until I saw my partner in person before I told him of the news.

I was just beginning to struggle with morning sickness, exhaustion and again, the fear.

How was I going to tell him our world was about to change?

Again, for the second time in my life, nature stepped in and took care of the anxiety for me.

At about 2pm the next day, I began to spot. As the afternoon progressed, it changed from light to dark red and heavy. Accompanied, again, by cramps, and again, that sickening feeling you get when you know it’s all over.

I didn’t cry. I calmly called my doctor, the same doctor who only days before had confirmed a heartbeat. He got me to go into the surgery, where it was confrmed that there was no heartbeat, no sac, no baby.

I drove myself to the doctor’s surgery while miscarrying my baby. I still, to this day, cannot believe I did that. The drive back was awful, the pain intensified by the fact I knew my baby, my would-be rainbow baby, was gone.

I cannot believe a year has passed, my baby. It seems like yesterday. I sit here, reflecting. I have a candle lit for you, in honor of your last night with me. I only wish I had known it would be the last night I had with you.

I only wish I had known what was to come…

I always wonder. If I had not said those words “I am pregnant” to anyone to begin with, would my baby have stayed?

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