If she had been born on her due-date, she would have been 4 yesterday.

The day passed quietly.

I woke up from a dream in which I was crying about Lily. I cannot remember why I was crying, but I know it was about her. I woke up, and realised that my cheeks were damp with tears. I wasn’t just crying in my dream. I was actually crying. Waking up to these sorts of things is always offputting.

My partner rang me at about 10am, for a “chat” he said. I wondered if he had remembered what day it was, but there was a part of me that was too shy to ask if he had remembered. We had a quick chat before I went to work on an assessment for uni.

I did an entire assessment on my daughter’s birthday.

I was so proud of myself for this fact.

DF came home, and asked me if I was doing anything, and kept pressing even after I said “I am going to the beach”. I ended up snapping at him “I am going to the beach because I am meeting up with a friend because it is Lily’s 4th birthday today!!!” ( So there).

He seemed a bit taken aback that I had ripped his head off and fed it to the demon that is my emotions at the moment. Well, I didn’t feed it to the demon, but he definitely didn’t deserve a head riping off.

So I went to the beach. I met my friend there, who gave me the most beautiful gift- a necklace with sand from “The Children’s Beach” ( www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com), a “Hope Treasure”- a handmade ceramic ‘tag’ with a pattern printed on it, and a gorgeous little butterfly.

On the way to the beach, I had a moment where the grief came flooding back, my chest got tight, and I couldn’t hold the tears back. I was waiting at a set of lights, in peak hour traffic, crying. This episode lasted for about 2 minutes, then I was ok again. I think I needed that moment, and I am glad to say that was the only one I had for the whole day. It gets easier each year.

We sat, and talked, and watched the sun set. It was a beautiful evening, to simply just spend time with someone else who “gets it”.

I got home, and realised how exhausted I was. I was in bed by 9pm. DF came to bed not too long after me and said “I’m worried about you. You’re shutting yourself off from em again. Getting anything personal from you is like getting blood from a rock”.

So the whole story spilled. I admitted I didn’t say anything about Lily’s birthday because I was worried he’d think I was being silly after so long. He shook his head at me, and held me close, reminding me that I didn’t need to feel that way, and I should know that! I also admitted to him I still had no idea where my mega bitch/snappy/horrible/rip-your-hrad-off-and-feed-it-to-my-demon-emotions person was coming from. So, I have made an appointment to see a counsellor, to see if talking through my extreme anger ( I get so ANGRY, so fast, over the tiniest of issues- SO ANGRY!) and tiredness, and the fact I am uterly unmotivated when it comes to EVERYTHING, in particualr my uni work.

I am also going to make an appointment to see a naturopath, to see if there is something that my doctor has missed, or cannot pinpoint. I saw one when I was younger to kick start my body into working properly. ( WhenI was about 10, I was diagnosed with Alopecia, a disease that triggers hair loss from stress) It made a difference then, so I am wondering if it will help this time round. It’s going to be expensive ( $120.00 for the initial session), but hopefully worth it.

So DF knows all of this now, and has offered to help out in anyway he can. I know in my heart I need to stop being a mega-bitch to him as soon as he walks in the door, and begin to talk, really talk, to him about what is going on.

So, that was Lily’s 4th birthday.

I hope you had a great day Lily-Bug, and you were spoiled rotten by the other kids.