They say that with time, it gets easier. It does. I can wholeheartedly back that statement. But today. Today, it is no easier. In fact, some parts of today have been harder. Today, I should have been celebrating my 2nd baby’s first birthday. He’d be one today. I cannot believe it, let alone entertain the thought.

It was not a good day for me at all. By about 1pm, I was in tears, crying in front of a colleague, while students were coming in and out of the classroom. It was a massive bubble of things that lead to me beginning to cry. The bubble burst. It was a combination of exhaustion, stress, hormones, self doubt and sheer grief. I was just thankful I didn’t lose it in front of the class I was teaching.

They say that time is a healer. Today, it didn’t make me miss Little Speck any less. It made me miss him more. It made me miss Lily. I hope that wherever they are, they’re together, and she’s made his birthday special. Because I can’t.

I didn’t do anything to mark his special day. Nothing. I did not light a candle, I did not watch the sunset. I am,however, spending the last moments of my day (night really) “with” him, using this time to let him overwhelm me. To make up for the fact I practically didn’t have a spare moment to devote to him today.

The thought of me with a one year old child is something that is so incredibly scary, and for now, a fading dream.

It dosen’t mean I love him any less.

I miss you so much, my little man. I wish every day that you could have stayed.

Happy Birthday sweetie.