As my daughter’s 5th birthday approaches, I find myself unable to describe how I feel. I guess, in the coldest way possible, I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel upset.

This year, as March 17th approaches, I feel…fine.

Other birthdays ( well, technically it was her EDD) have been hellish, devestating, harrowing, lovely and bittersweet.

If someone had told me back in 2007, on the estimated day of her birth that I’d not feel the way I felt that day, 5 years on, I’d have laughed and thrown my vodka and tonic in their face. I spent 2007 drunk and devestated, revealing my loss to my boyfriend (now DF), 2008, I cried as DF held me, 2009, I made cupcakes, 2010 I would have lit a candle, 2011, I went to the beach. This year?

With hope in my heart, I will celebrate my daughter’s 5th birthday in 2012, in a way that I decide on the day.

Lily Natalie Anne,

You have graced my world for only a short time, but forever you live on in memory, and in my heart.

Mamma loves you, my sweet butterfly.

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