Today, this week, this month, is one of those times when I am struggling to keep my head above water. Purely and simply, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of stress, backward steps and anxiety.

Trying to even explain and process this feeling at the moment is close to impossible. Its like a knotted feeling in my stomach, and a constant fear of doing or saying the wrong thing. In a conversation with a colleague today, I cried. All they asked was if I have a teaching position in 2013.

Yeah. That.

In the last few weeks, finance to own our first home has been approved, however, at the same time, I was informed that my position was no longer being run at the school I work at, and DF is no longer able to access over-time with his company.

All up, we’re looking at losing about $60,000 in one fell swoop.

The fact that I am busting my ass, having applied for over 50 jobs since last September both in and out of my qualification, is not helping things. My mental state took a nosedive after recieving not one, not even two, but FOUR emails for one job, saying I wasn’t successful. I hadn’t even gotten to the interview stage. It is bad enough working in a position out of my qualified learning area. Let alone having very little hope for a long term job at a school.

DF and I have gone around in circles with this, and even with a budget that we stick to, it is going to be cutting it very very fine. This is assuming I manage to obtain employment for at least 12 months.

That is my goal for when I get back from my trip to the US. To find a 12 month contract.

I guess in a way, this funk comes back to money, and the ultimate realisation that we can not in ANY way in the future afford to have a baby, especially and accidental one.

I cannot stand how in today’s society, it is money that is what can solve problems.

It feels like we are both being punished for simply wanting to get ahead and make a solid investment for our future, and ultimatley, for our children.

Some one pull me out of this!