I have been travelling along ok with regards to life after loss. Hell, I have even completely accepted it.

One of the things I was not able to do with either loss was to tell my family. I guess it was part shame, and part grief. I always told myself there would be no need for them to know.

But tonight. Tonight is different.

I received a message from my mother, informing me that my cousin is 12 weeks pregnant with their first baby. As far aI my family is aware and concerned, this is the first grandchild for our generation of kids” in my family.

It makes ,y heart hurt knowing that as far as my family is concerned, this baby, this new little life, is the first to make my grandmother a great grandmother, my mum, a great aunt, me a second cousin.

None of them know that in fact Lily was first. She will always be my first. She will be our family’s first.

Its something I guess I need to work through, but tonight.

Tonight my heart hurts.