Category: Amost married life


I blogged previously about something that stands to affect our lives in the very near fututre ( and No, I’m not pregnant).

DF and I both went to work yesterday after the preious night’s bombshell, unsure of what was to come.

I had a much better day, clamer classes, I got home early, DF had a better day as well.

We were able to talk about what had happened, and came to the realisation that we COULD do it, build a home and pay the mortgage, however our standard of living that we’ve grown accustomed to will be the first thing to go. I’d rather go without than give up this journey.

We decided that no matter what, as long as we have each other, we’ll make everything work.

It does mean, that until things get back to normal, and we’re in a better financial position, a baby is most definitely on hold until at least 2018. Wow. That seems forever away.

But with DF by my side, we’ll be ok.

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Well, when it rains, it pours.

The last few days have gone from bad to horribly bad.

Compared to what other people in our community are going through, it seems trivial, but to me, because of someone else’s decision, this falling of the axe is HUGE to my and my DF.

It affects our future, it affects our plans for something as simple as building a home.

It pretty much affects everything.

So on top of having a rough few days emotionally, my classes were off the wall yesterday, I have ruined artwork, and then came home to potentially life altering news.

The home we have just signed to build is literally the only thing keeping me going besides teaching at this school. If that is ripped away as well, I don’t know how I’ll cope.

The one thing I promised DF last night though was that no matter what, we’re getting married on the date we set for next year. Come hell or high water.

So, last Thursday, I cracked.

Big time.

Months of stress, exhaustion and frustration finally came out and I crashed mentally.

I think I have finally reached what people call ‘burn out’.

I. Am. Just. Exhausted.

I went home to my parents for a 4 day rest. Needless to say, I needed it.

I am studying full time, working part time, at uni 4 out of 7 days usually, money is very worrying right now, I run a house, do the grocery shopping, do the majority of the cooking and cleaning in a home of 4 people, I am always, ALWAYS there for my friends and family when they need me.

My mother says that I simply undervalue what I do. I do a lot- too much for me to cope with lately. I have always believed that I am ‘just’ a student, therefore am unofficially expected to do a little more than my house mates. But in all honesty, they’re taking it for granted. Even DF.

So an increase in my happy pills Zoloft and a brief break have allowed me to slowly get my head back together. I’m on 100mg a day now, and playing it by ear. Also we see a return to the therapist. Tell you- batshit crazy here.

I am no where near ok, but I am coping. My housemate even cleaned the whole house the other day.

I haven’t been able to pick up a text book or do any form of study since the week before last. I have grand plans to sit down and do some work tomorrow. Honest. I think my poor brain just needs a break.

I’m exhausted, shattered, but working through it.

And on this note;

“This morning’s dawn light painted by the sky for you…Today the breeze dances in honour of you…Tonight it will be the moon and the stars sending out shining rays…” (Unknown Author)

I was reading through my “tag surfer” posts, where people who have the same tags in their posts as me, they come up and I stalk read them.

Mo (mommyodyssey.wordpress.com) blogged about “then” and “now” and how her 22 year old self was the same as her 31 year old self, but so vastly different.

I wanted to cry, as I read her beautiful post.

It said to me “I am ok, and I am ok with that.”

It made me reflect on my life, all of 22 years myself.

I too, as Mo has, suffered (for the majority of the time) from un-diagnosed depression. Since I was about 14, I have struggled with dark thoughts, down moods and bouts of crying. That’s the clean version.

But then, I look at the events in my life, and I cannot believe it.

Despite severe depression, self harming, starving myself, falling pregnant, miscarrying, working myself to the bone, meeting DF, moving away from home to uni, doing reasonably well and never accepting it, falling pregnant, miscarrying, back to uni, joining a P&IL volunteer group and making a genuine difference, moving in with DF, struggling with an even more severe bout of depression, I look back and smile.

Despite ALL of that- that is the short version- I have come to the realisation that I have gone through ALL of that, I have come out on top. I am in a relationship- an honest, respectful, amazing relationship- with a man whom I love with all of my heart, I am completely supporting meyself and living with DF, I am about to embark on my dream career, a career I knew I wante to persue since I was 13, as a teacher. I am a good teacher. I really am.

I am a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a finace, a mother, a friend, a support to the P&IL community.

I am ok, and I am ok with that.

I am me, and I have come out on top, despite all the crap the universe has thrown at me.

Thankyou Mo for reminding me of this.

I dropped off the face of the earth recently. The reason? I undertook my final teaching practicum- a 3 month stint. Basically, that meant there was no time for blogging, having a life or getting enough sleep.

However, as tough as it was, it was so incredibly worth it! It was the most amazing, fufilling, satisfying experience I have had in a very long time.

In that time, we have also had finance approved for a home loan. Building will hopefully commence next year, about April. It’s exciting and petrifying all at the same time, especially with uncertainties in the property market, as well as the fact that there isn’t a 100% certainty that I will gain employment once I finish uni.

WEDDING UPDATE- After a discussion with my finace and one of my bridesmaids, its looking like the date will be April 2013. We shall see, but we’ve almost settled on a “real” date! Woohoo!

I honestly cannot think/remember anything else that is exceptionally exciting, so I may have to make this short and sweet!

But I am back, I have a life, and you will hear from me soon!

A conversation was had yesterday with myself, my mother’s friend and my mum. The topic of an accidental pregnancy came up, and I was asked if I fell pregnant, even though I am on the pill, would I keep it?

I was honest and said, “even though I still have lots I want to do, I would, without a doubt, keep a baby”.

I still have to finish the last semester of my studies, I want to travel to America- to visit K-, I want to “do” Europe, I want to live overseas in London for 6 months, I want to eat, drink and be merry. I want to make myself well.

But it dosen’t mean a baby would stop me.

I have reached the point in my life where, should another pregnancy occur, it would be ok. We could comfortably support ourselves, and a baby.

Ideally, I want to wait- another 5 years or so. I need to wait. I know this! I need to grow, mature, experience things, in order to make myself the best mother I can be.

I guess the main thing is that one day, wether it be sooner or later, I will get that. And in a strange way, I am content to wait.

The greatest feat that I have  for my life, is that I will not bring another life into this world. All that I truly wish for, in my heart, is to be a mother. My days filled with chickens in the backyard, my dogs, and a loving home-that I create. All I want is to be loved, and to show love. The greatest way to show this is to bring another person into this world, to create a living being with the person you love. I want to be able to sit back in years gone by, and say “Look! I made this, I DID that! I made a person!  I raised someone to be a good person.”

To not do this, to not have children and give that little spirit a chance to grow, that is what I fear most in this life.

About life after loss, and how being given the opportunity to be around and nurture Other People’s Babies (OPB’s- or kids) has been the thing that has “most” helped me heal- that and the volunteer work I do in the BabyLost community.

While I was having a think about what I could post about, this feeling of overwheling sadness came over me. This has been happening for a few days.

It is Little Speck’s first birthday next week. On June 15th ( give or take a number of days) he would have been a happy, healthy little one year old. I still wonder about that little baby, taken away far too soon. I wonder who he would have taken after? Would he have my artisic streak? His father’s laid-back nature? My family’s sporting passion?

This wonderment, and the fear that goes along with life post-miscarriage, it is a hard place. It scares me to no end that I “could” have had a 4 -year- old- child, and an almost one-year-old.  But in amongs the fear is pride. I am so proud of my babes, even though they did not stay for long.

Fear, wonderment, pride, loss. I guess it reflects every day life really.

So, casting my mind back a few days, I mentioned that I was sleeping better…WELL…I lied. Well, not lied, but going up to the “full” dose of meds, I have been less tired during the day, the headaches have all but disappeared and I feel IN CONTROL (!!) of my mood swings. I’m not angry.

However, I have noticed that while I am not exhausted, I feel almost “wired” when I am going to bed. I think I am tired, but then I lie there for a while- about half an hour at least. It’s kind of annoying, but I guess if that’s the only side effect I have, then I cant complain.

I didn’t entirely think about it when the doctor was asking me about if we were planning children any time soon. I said that despite my miscarriage, we weren’t “planning” children for another 5 years at least. One of the major side effects to Zoloft is a hugely increased risk of birth defects and/or stillbirth in pregnancy while on the drug….They reccomend that you avoid being on it once you get past the 2nd trimester of pregnancy…

Oh dear…

So, I guess that’s it for baby making dreams…well and truly on hold for now. I’m not too sure how I feel about it. I know we’re not planning to fall pregnant, but I am testimony to “accidentally falling pregnant” while on the pill. It happens.

Until this period of depression is fully treated ( the doctor says after about a period of 6 months or so at least), no babies-accidental or not- for me. And I think I am ok with that. I need to be well mentally, and on top of everything physically, so I guess its ok.

Zoloft

That virtually sums up my visit to the doctor.

25mgs a day to begin, then increased to 50mgs, and we go from there.

6 months of being on the drug mood stabilisers, and we will re-assess. I have another follow up appointment at the end of the month to make sure I haven’t killed myself had a reaction to the medication. I am not serious about the killing myself bit. It’s ok.

In all honesty, I think that the comination of medication and continuing “talk therapy” is a step in the direction of me feeling normal again. I am able to get through each day easily enough, and for most people, just to look at me-you’d never guess that there was anything wrong. I guess that’s the problem. I put on a “brave” face 99% of the time.

I need to begin asking for help with everyday tasks, for help to recognise my moods. Just for help to ease the stress and anxiety I am experienceing in my life right now.