The Finishing Line

A while back, I blogged that it was “my first day of my last year of study”.

Well

Today is the last day of my first bachelor’s degree.

After today’s assessment, I am a qualified teacher.

It is the end of this journey for me. I look back over the last 5 years ( 4 of which were taken up by my studies), and cannot believe I am here. Finally. After years of struggles, tears, joy, way to much wine, long nights, early mornings, beautiful friends, I am here.

Lily gave me the push in the direction of following my dream of becoming a teacher, and Little Speck, even more so.

I had so mnay moments where I was convinced I COULD NOT GO ON, I couldn’t do it, I wasn’t good enough. I think I’ll always continue to do this, but for now, I’ll do it with a qualifiection in my hand!

I am now a teacher, ready to change the future, to change lives, even if it is only on person at a time.

I’ve always said that if I can make the difference that one of my high school teacher’s made to my life ( she was amazing when I revealed that I had suffered a miscarriage, she was my support person for a long time after that.), to just one student, if I can help them through the roughest point of their life by just listening, I will know I have done my job.

To NB- Thankyou, from the very bottom of my heart.

I am a teacher now.

I did it.

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A post inspired by Mo

I was reading through my “tag surfer” posts, where people who have the same tags in their posts as me, they come up and I stalk read them.

Mo (mommyodyssey.wordpress.com) blogged about “then” and “now” and how her 22 year old self was the same as her 31 year old self, but so vastly different.

I wanted to cry, as I read her beautiful post.

It said to me “I am ok, and I am ok with that.”

It made me reflect on my life, all of 22 years myself.

I too, as Mo has, suffered (for the majority of the time) from un-diagnosed depression. Since I was about 14, I have struggled with dark thoughts, down moods and bouts of crying. That’s the clean version.

But then, I look at the events in my life, and I cannot believe it.

Despite severe depression, self harming, starving myself, falling pregnant, miscarrying, working myself to the bone, meeting DF, moving away from home to uni, doing reasonably well and never accepting it, falling pregnant, miscarrying, back to uni, joining a P&IL volunteer group and making a genuine difference, moving in with DF, struggling with an even more severe bout of depression, I look back and smile.

Despite ALL of that- that is the short version- I have come to the realisation that I have gone through ALL of that, I have come out on top. I am in a relationship- an honest, respectful, amazing relationship- with a man whom I love with all of my heart, I am completely supporting meyself and living with DF, I am about to embark on my dream career, a career I knew I wante to persue since I was 13, as a teacher. I am a good teacher. I really am.

I am a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a finace, a mother, a friend, a support to the P&IL community.

I am ok, and I am ok with that.

I am me, and I have come out on top, despite all the crap the universe has thrown at me.

Thankyou Mo for reminding me of this.

Updates on my life in general

I dropped off the face of the earth recently. The reason? I undertook my final teaching practicum- a 3 month stint. Basically, that meant there was no time for blogging, having a life or getting enough sleep.

However, as tough as it was, it was so incredibly worth it! It was the most amazing, fufilling, satisfying experience I have had in a very long time.

In that time, we have also had finance approved for a home loan. Building will hopefully commence next year, about April. It’s exciting and petrifying all at the same time, especially with uncertainties in the property market, as well as the fact that there isn’t a 100% certainty that I will gain employment once I finish uni.

WEDDING UPDATE- After a discussion with my finace and one of my bridesmaids, its looking like the date will be April 2013. We shall see, but we’ve almost settled on a “real” date! Woohoo!

I honestly cannot think/remember anything else that is exceptionally exciting, so I may have to make this short and sweet!

But I am back, I have a life, and you will hear from me soon!

Ok, so I have been quiet…

I KNOW, I know…

I keep having inspiration for posts, but I am usually away from my laptop when these lightning bolt ideas strike.

I think I should write them down.

My life in dot points since 10/02/2011 ( my last post)

– I began my first day of my last year (!) of my teaching degree today. I was hungover, so points to me for actually making it to the lecture today.

– My friend got married yesterday, and the whole thing was just lovely.

-Visited my home-town for a week. It was nice to see my family again.

-My partner and I got OFFICIALLY (!)ENGAGED on Valentine’s Day!!!! So have been plotting planning a wedding, just quiely. I promised DF ( Darling Fiance) that I wouldn’t even begin to think about (or begin to plan) our wedding until November, when I finish uni.

What he dosen’t know won’t hurt right? 🙂

-Aside from today, I have been feeling a lot better. The exhaustion seems to have gone away. I’ve found getting up early (7am-ish) and being in bed at a reasonable hour each night has helped.

I think that’s about it.

I’m getting back to Googling wedding dresses. I mean, doing some form of housework…

xx

Chameleon

Some days, this is exactly how I feel- like I am adapting to suit my environment.

It’s funny how I can change so much to suit what is happening.

I can heatedly debate teaching with the best of them- what management style is good, why public is better than private, how your final exams are not the be all and end all.

I can talk cars, V8’s, engines, models, colours when I am with my partner’s friends.

I can be the listening friend when it comes to nasty divorces and court proceedings.

I can “like” talk “like” a “like” teenager, where needed to the kids in my classes.

I can talk customer service with the best of them, I know rights, and where to get help involved for disgruntled customers.

I can talk house designs, suburbs, prices, loans, interest rates.

I can even talk kids. I can have an entirely one sided conversation about breastfeeding, I know cures for morning sickness, I know what markers the doctors are looking for at a 19-20 week anatomy scan, I can discuss the pros and cons of disciplining small children, I know what allergies to ask after when I am babysitting or cooking for kids.

I can gossip with the best of them, I can talk crap, I can ramble, I can laugh, cry, I can talk.

I just don’t understand why I cannot talk about the world I know best aloud.

The world of loss and grief.

I cannot change my skin enough to be able to speak of this aound, to just anyone…

Its a weird feeling.

The end of the week already?

I cannot believe that my weekend is nearly over already. I suppose that’s what you get when you’re juggling!

It’s been a week of 6:30am starts, Monday to Friday, teaching or observing all day at school, then not getting home ’til close to 5pm.

Then Saturdays, it’s a 5am start for work…I don’t know why I am doing this to myself! I really really wish I had booked the time off work, but little ol’ determined me said “nooo, what’s 3 weeks of more or less working full time at school- work on Saturday’s won’t hurt..”

Suck on that subconscious! I am absolutley exhausted, and sick, and in need of another day off.

Oh well. Stop complaining. Things could be worse…

I have my horrible class again tomorrow…Only instead of punishing the naughty children I am going to have, they get to go to the library to complete a research task…THEY DON’T DESERVE TO!!! Arragh! If I had it my way, they’d be using books…actually there’s an idea- if the kids I have my eye on mess up, they’ll be off the computers and researching using boring old books ( their opinion, not mine!) faster than they can say “aaaaawwww, Miss- that’s not fair!’

So there. Actually, that’s made me feel much better!

‘Teacher Bitch’ AKA Deepdreamer

Prac so far…

Has been interesting to say the least. It’s been a very bust few days. I have pretty much had one of each year group so far. I teach my first ‘proper’ lesson tomorrow morning, which will be scary, but it should go ok…

The highlight/s of my day: “Thanks Miss!” One girl understanding what she had to brainstorm after I explained a few more ideas to her- it felt goooooood!

   “Hey Miss- you’re pretty!” I actually don’t know if this student was being clever, or if she meant it, but after spending my whole high school life being bullied about how I look, it was kinda nice.

Lowlight?                     

 To shitty, irritating year 8 boy who was giggling and talking and messing up to press my buttons

 Thank god I have a fresh batch tomorrow!

Wish me luck!

Deepdreamer

Results!

85% on the last assessment we ( group assessment) submitted!

I have a lovely weekend ahead of me with DF… we have dinner organised for tomorrow, as well as all day Sunday to ourselves. I am in two places about him going (away for work), but I am glad he goes before I venture into School next week- I imagine I’ll be stressed!

He is awesome. He’s my life-saver…my everything.

Deepdreamer

Motivation

I went to visit the school I am doing my first teaching “prac” at yesterday…I am not scared anymore- In fact, I can’t wait to go now! I’m only teaching 7-10 which is a relief and my supervisor teacher is wonderful! I remembered why I am doing this whole uni thing again…Being in that classroom yesterday, it just felt…I dont know…right? It felt right. It’s where I am supposed to be, and I have to remember that.

I am doing this for you, Lily Bug.

So after my exctiting day yesterday, I have no motivation to catch up on some major uni assessments that are due soon after Prac. I know I have to, but I slept so badly that a day on FB, in front of the TV is sounding more tempting…

How bad is that?

I am missing Lily a little today, which probably doesn’t help things. I am only missing her a tiny bit though. I know she’ll watch over me.

Here’s to getting some work done!

Deepdreamer

Miss?

I  meet my mentor teacher at my prac school this week…nerve racking, yet so exciting. My mentor teacher seems really nice. She seemed pleasant on the phone, anyway! Wow, this time next week, I’ll be filling whoever still reads my blog in on my first day as a pre-service ‘Praccie’ teacher…Scary!

Deepdreamer