So, last Thursday, I cracked.

Big time.

Months of stress, exhaustion and frustration finally came out and I crashed mentally.

I think I have finally reached what people call ‘burn out’.

I. Am. Just. Exhausted.

I went home to my parents for a 4 day rest. Needless to say, I needed it.

I am studying full time, working part time, at uni 4 out of 7 days usually, money is very worrying right now, I run a house, do the grocery shopping, do the majority of the cooking and cleaning in a home of 4 people, I am always, ALWAYS there for my friends and family when they need me.

My mother says that I simply undervalue what I do. I do a lot- too much for me to cope with lately. I have always believed that I am ‘just’ a student, therefore am unofficially expected to do a little more than my house mates. But in all honesty, they’re taking it for granted. Even DF.

So an increase in my happy pills Zoloft and a brief break have allowed me to slowly get my head back together. I’m on 100mg a day now, and playing it by ear. Also we see a return to the therapist. Tell you- batshit crazy here.

I am no where near ok, but I am coping. My housemate even cleaned the whole house the other day.

I haven’t been able to pick up a text book or do any form of study since the week before last. I have grand plans to sit down and do some work tomorrow. Honest. I think my poor brain just needs a break.

I’m exhausted, shattered, but working through it.

And on this note;

“This morning’s dawn light painted by the sky for you…Today the breeze dances in honour of you…Tonight it will be the moon and the stars sending out shining rays…” (Unknown Author)

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A post inspired by Mo

I was reading through my “tag surfer” posts, where people who have the same tags in their posts as me, they come up and I stalk read them.

Mo (mommyodyssey.wordpress.com) blogged about “then” and “now” and how her 22 year old self was the same as her 31 year old self, but so vastly different.

I wanted to cry, as I read her beautiful post.

It said to me “I am ok, and I am ok with that.”

It made me reflect on my life, all of 22 years myself.

I too, as Mo has, suffered (for the majority of the time) from un-diagnosed depression. Since I was about 14, I have struggled with dark thoughts, down moods and bouts of crying. That’s the clean version.

But then, I look at the events in my life, and I cannot believe it.

Despite severe depression, self harming, starving myself, falling pregnant, miscarrying, working myself to the bone, meeting DF, moving away from home to uni, doing reasonably well and never accepting it, falling pregnant, miscarrying, back to uni, joining a P&IL volunteer group and making a genuine difference, moving in with DF, struggling with an even more severe bout of depression, I look back and smile.

Despite ALL of that- that is the short version- I have come to the realisation that I have gone through ALL of that, I have come out on top. I am in a relationship- an honest, respectful, amazing relationship- with a man whom I love with all of my heart, I am completely supporting meyself and living with DF, I am about to embark on my dream career, a career I knew I wante to persue since I was 13, as a teacher. I am a good teacher. I really am.

I am a teacher, a sister, a daughter, a finace, a mother, a friend, a support to the P&IL community.

I am ok, and I am ok with that.

I am me, and I have come out on top, despite all the crap the universe has thrown at me.

Thankyou Mo for reminding me of this.

Lily’s 4th “Birthday”

If she had been born on her due-date, she would have been 4 yesterday.

The day passed quietly.

I woke up from a dream in which I was crying about Lily. I cannot remember why I was crying, but I know it was about her. I woke up, and realised that my cheeks were damp with tears. I wasn’t just crying in my dream. I was actually crying. Waking up to these sorts of things is always offputting.

My partner rang me at about 10am, for a “chat” he said. I wondered if he had remembered what day it was, but there was a part of me that was too shy to ask if he had remembered. We had a quick chat before I went to work on an assessment for uni.

I did an entire assessment on my daughter’s birthday.

I was so proud of myself for this fact.

DF came home, and asked me if I was doing anything, and kept pressing even after I said “I am going to the beach”. I ended up snapping at him “I am going to the beach because I am meeting up with a friend because it is Lily’s 4th birthday today!!!” ( So there).

He seemed a bit taken aback that I had ripped his head off and fed it to the demon that is my emotions at the moment. Well, I didn’t feed it to the demon, but he definitely didn’t deserve a head riping off.

So I went to the beach. I met my friend there, who gave me the most beautiful gift- a necklace with sand from “The Children’s Beach” ( www.namesinthesand.blogspot.com), a “Hope Treasure”- a handmade ceramic ‘tag’ with a pattern printed on it, and a gorgeous little butterfly.

On the way to the beach, I had a moment where the grief came flooding back, my chest got tight, and I couldn’t hold the tears back. I was waiting at a set of lights, in peak hour traffic, crying. This episode lasted for about 2 minutes, then I was ok again. I think I needed that moment, and I am glad to say that was the only one I had for the whole day. It gets easier each year.

We sat, and talked, and watched the sun set. It was a beautiful evening, to simply just spend time with someone else who “gets it”.

I got home, and realised how exhausted I was. I was in bed by 9pm. DF came to bed not too long after me and said “I’m worried about you. You’re shutting yourself off from em again. Getting anything personal from you is like getting blood from a rock”.

So the whole story spilled. I admitted I didn’t say anything about Lily’s birthday because I was worried he’d think I was being silly after so long. He shook his head at me, and held me close, reminding me that I didn’t need to feel that way, and I should know that! I also admitted to him I still had no idea where my mega bitch/snappy/horrible/rip-your-hrad-off-and-feed-it-to-my-demon-emotions person was coming from. So, I have made an appointment to see a counsellor, to see if talking through my extreme anger ( I get so ANGRY, so fast, over the tiniest of issues- SO ANGRY!) and tiredness, and the fact I am uterly unmotivated when it comes to EVERYTHING, in particualr my uni work.

I am also going to make an appointment to see a naturopath, to see if there is something that my doctor has missed, or cannot pinpoint. I saw one when I was younger to kick start my body into working properly. ( WhenI was about 10, I was diagnosed with Alopecia, a disease that triggers hair loss from stress) It made a difference then, so I am wondering if it will help this time round. It’s going to be expensive ( $120.00 for the initial session), but hopefully worth it.

So DF knows all of this now, and has offered to help out in anyway he can. I know in my heart I need to stop being a mega-bitch to him as soon as he walks in the door, and begin to talk, really talk, to him about what is going on.

So, that was Lily’s 4th birthday.

I hope you had a great day Lily-Bug, and you were spoiled rotten by the other kids.

Exhausted

I have been meaning to update and make an entry since October 15th. I plan to do a separate blog post about P&IL Beach Ceremony at a later date. It was beautiful!

More on that later.

God it has been a HELL of  a month or so. Far out. It’s been crazy. I have barely been able to keep up with myself.

It’s been a month of assignment HELL. I’ve had to submit 3 major assessments for uni, so it was an incredibly stressful mad dash to the finishing line last Thursday. By Monday,I had fallen in a heap. Going to bed tired, waking up exhausted.  I have been suffering from constant headaches since the end of October too. It dosen’t matter how much water I drink, or if I have a nap, or get a decent night’s sleep, they still hang around.

GO AWAY- I don’t want you.

So the only solution has been to down painkillers every day of last week. I have a feeling it may have something to do with the way I sleep, or the amount of stress I have been under, but DAMN IT!!! I don’t want to be necking bloody headache tablets every day just so I don’t go crazy. 3 weeks is a bit much, I think. I am debating about seeing if they’ll go away on their own, or if I should see a doctor/chiropractor? ( pretty sure that’s spelled wrong).  There’s also this tiny part of my mind that says “well, what if it is the sign of something worse???” I am 99.99% sure it’s stress related.

What would YOU do?

DF and I have just spent a week away, in our home town. Where we lazed around, watched far too many movies, slept (me, anyway) and made amends with a school friend whom we haven’t spoken to in about a year.

He’s just proposed to his girlfriend-one of my friends since primary school- and the announcement was in the paper when we were there. It is an exciting time for them.

But I cannot help but have the Green-Eyed-Monster come out, raging and ranting. DF and I are still not “officially” engaged yet- ie: no one in our families know of our engagement. I have been feeling as though he dosen’t want to marry me. Is it something I have done? Is it because he knows I have lost  pregnancy to miscarriage? Is it because I am too pushy? Maybe he’s scared?

He keeps saying it’s because he dosen’t have the money. And yet, I hear “I am going to get ‘x’ for my car” “I want this video game” “I just brought…”

I KNOW that I don’t hear it often, but I know in my heart that the money is an issue. I KNOW he loves me, but there is that part of me that is scared he dosen’t…

We’ve also just recieved news that we have been “approved” for a new house. We’re only renting at the moment, and with the market so competetive, it was a relief to get the place.

It’s lovely and new, with an ensuite and walk-in-robe in our bedroom, a lovely HUGE kitchen and a gorgeous paved courtyard. It’s costing us a little more than what we’re paying in our current house, but it is worth it. We’re beginning the move Saturday I think. It will be great to have a place that is just ours, even if it is just for a little while 🙂

So , there’s been quite a bit going on. I have my first exam tomorrow. I am hoping it will go ok. But at the moment, I really don’t care if I pass or not. Even though I think I will!

Everything will work out ok.

I just need this semester to end. I have never been so exhausted in my life. Excluding my pregnancies.

A friend of mine pointed out to me that mental exhaustion can be worse than physical. I think she’s right. Today anyway.

Deepdreamer

Procratination

I decided to take the coast road home today. I was supposed to go for a coffee with my friend, but unfotunately she had to bail. I thought instead of getting home to go on Facebook study, I’d go for a bit of a drive.

So far, for the last two days, it has been overcast, rainy and just plain awful. By the time I got on the road, the clouds were beginnning to clear, but the wind was blowing something chronic. It made the ocean choppy and wavy, with lots of white-wash. I am pretty sure that anyone going swimming today would have rocks in their head. Or they’re a surfer. Whichever.

I’ve posted some photos of the beach today.

I am looking forward to the coming weeks where the weather will ( hopefully) warm up, and will give us some stunning sunsets.

🙂

Deepdreamer

I’m back

It’s been over a month since anyone has heard from me on here.

What have I been up to you ask?

I have been teaching for the last 5 weeks.  It has been a highly stressful time for me.  The school I was placed at was hugely challenging, with not much “teaching”, rather crowd control. There were a handful of good kids, but on the whole, it was pretty bad. Still, the behaviour management skills I have practiced, and gained, are invaluable. So I thank the school for that!

Lily’s angelversary came and went.

I broke on my way to a doctor’s appointment that afternoon.

Driving while hysterically crying is NOT the best idea. I don’t know what triggered the crying, but I was glad it happened. I had a moment where I lost control of myself entirely, and debated about pulling over. It was a fairly busy road, so I gained control pretty quickly. I think I needed it.

 I spent the day at school, and subsequently, I had to keep my emotions in check. Being on my own in the car, crying, was the lowest point. But I got control, and was able to use the afternoon to sit, and to remember. It was a bittersweet day.

It’s also coming up to a year since I lost Little Speck. I can’t believe it’s come around so fast. This time last year, I didn’t even know I was pregnant, and yet- there he was, snug and safe and growing. Such a surprise you were, my baby.

For October 15th- Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day- I am meeting up with some ladies in my town and heading to the beach, to remember and to celebrate these precious lives lost. I am hugely looking forward to it. The day comes 2 days after the angelversary of Little Speck. I look forward to this very much.

It’s also Father’s Day today.

For my beautiful, loving, amazing fiance- Happy Father’s Day my love. Even though you do not know you are a father. I hope,one day- you will be.

Deepdreamer

Things have been quiet…

I have been without the net for 2 weeks now…Not that it is a bad thing, but I think that this little hiatus has done me good. It has given me a chance to really get settled into my new house, slowly but surely furnish it and really turn it into a home. I even spent time sanding, stripping, staining and varishing our dining table! I am THE least DIY person ever, so I was pretty proud of myself.

I got my results for uni- early may I add! A Distinction for 2 classes, a Credit for one , and a P for PASS in my prac. So overall, not disappointed. I am satisfied. And detemined to do better next year. I guess I did ok, given everything that I have been through this semester. If I can discover that I was pregnant, and then miscarry my baby, and still come out with ok marks, I think I can do anything.

On the subject of the m/c, I am really feeling ok. I am so surprised. I guess it being my second has made a difference. I feel sad, but it isn’t the grab in your stomach, the ache in your heart, the spinning in my head, all of those horrible sensations I had when I lost Lily 3 years ago.

The Christmas season is aways hard for angel parents. The knowledge that our chidren should be here with us, here talking about what Santa is going to be bringing them, taking them to show them the christmas lights in the neighborhood, quelling their excitment on Christmas eve, watching the joy on their faces as they open their gifts, spending time with their family…They SHOUD be here with us to help celebrate…but they aren’t. Lily should be almost 3 now- in March. She’d be so excited about Christmas. Lily would laso be very excited about the arrival of her baby brother, who SHOULD be about 15 weeks old inside of his mother. I SHOULD be looking forward to celebrating Christmas with my children, but instead I have empty arms, and not even a tree for them. It is not that I’m NOT looking forward to the Christmas season, it’s just that it should be so very different…

I think 2010 is going to be a year where I throw myself into my studies- and to do well… It will be the year that I look after my poor body, excersise and eat well, and maintiain a positive mental state. It will be a year where DFand I are more in love, and more in touch than ever. I love him so much and still feel guilty about letting him down. 2010 will be a better year.

And on that note, I WILL be back….soon. Hope everyone is well and that the Christmas season is treating you all gently.

Deepdreamer

Lessons I have learned in life so far…

1: The customer is always right- even when they’re yelling in your face!

2: Just because I have had 2 miscarriages before I was 21, it does not mean that people get to judge me.

3: Cutting and other forms of self harm are not a good way to deal with my emotions following my m/c’s.

4: Buying clothes that ‘look’ as though they will fit, probably won’t….try them on!

5: off milk and mouldy bread ARE going to give you food poisoning 😀

6: Fish/pets in general cannot feed themselves- otherwise they die!

7: Teenage kids in schools are turds…

8:My friends know more about me than my parents do…

9: My finace is my best friend- your partner should be your friend above all else!

10: My life so far does not define the rest of my life…just becuase I have had a difficult few years, does not mean that I do not deserve what I want- to finish uni, be a great teacher, get married, have a family, live in my white-picket fenced home with my 2 dogs and live the simple life….it’s all I want…. The last 5 years of my life do not mean that I woll not get this!

 

I am still here!!!!

Really….Not much to report I guess- uni is still going, although last classes this week, and exams next week. On the 12th of November, I am a free woman!!!!

Still trying to find a house- lots of looking.

That’s really it- uni, packing, house hunting…that’s about it for now folks!

Deepdreamer

My life, in dot points…

Here’s a list of the things I have going on in my life right now that are making me stress out a bit…

-Finishing uni for the year- I have 2 assessments and 2 exams to go- I finish by the in Novemeber

-Finding a house- to rent (!)

-Talking about Speck with DF- I can’t talk about it….

-Friends- trying to catch up with everyone is just not happening…

-Angel Mums and Dads- trying to be supportive and ‘there’  through  FB, all while trying to deal with my recent loss. It’s hard work and I feel as though I am neglecting everyone, in particular, Kirsten… ( love to you)