WordPress, you have served me well.
I will not be deleting this blog, as it is a vital record of my grief journey.
If there is anyone who follows me still, you may find me at http://pensiveplace2014.blogspot.com.au/
Love and blessings,
Deepdreamer x
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Today is the last day of 2013, and I feel truly blessed and honoured that 2013 has been so kind to me.
the good bits:
– Building and moving into my first home
– Marrying my DF, now DH
– Rebuilding my shattered confidence with a full time teaching job
– Gaining an interveiw and full time permanent job just 30 minutes from home
– Meeting so many new people, and beginning new beautiful friendships
– This years participation in October 15th ceremonies
The bad:
– another year gone, and no baby.
– Being broke from sinking my wage into two households
– Arguing with DH about ridiculous things!
– Missing Lily more and more through the month of December
The Interesting:
– My fur baby, I got a cat in April, and she has been great for me to give my love to. She has truly been essential to my healing.
– Maintaining a relationship from 350 miles away…. Or 600 kilometers!
– Advamcing my career as a teacher to the point I am the first choice of many schools now, I’ve had to turn down 6 offers of work- it goes to show, after 2 years and 200+ rejections, you will get there!
– Accepting the face we have to get health insurance that covers maternity and L&D even if we need it or not sucks.
2014 goals
HEALTH:
– lose 8-10 kgs to get back to my regular weight of 52-54 kgs.
– Fertility testing for DF and I.
– Some form of physical activity at least 4 times a week.
CAREER
– To complete my 2nd level of post education training to be able to continue to hold my licence to teach!
– Have all 2 semesters planned out by the end of January
– Be calm, kind, and try not to yell.
RELATIONSHIP
– Have more sex.
-have at least two weekends away alone.
FINANCIAL:
-Have car loan paid?
-Save $4000 for July USA trip
I have been travelling along ok with regards to life after loss. Hell, I have even completely accepted it.
One of the things I was not able to do with either loss was to tell my family. I guess it was part shame, and part grief. I always told myself there would be no need for them to know.
But tonight. Tonight is different.
I received a message from my mother, informing me that my cousin is 12 weeks pregnant with their first baby. As far aI my family is aware and concerned, this is the first grandchild for our generation of kids” in my family.
It makes ,y heart hurt knowing that as far as my family is concerned, this baby, this new little life, is the first to make my grandmother a great grandmother, my mum, a great aunt, me a second cousin.
None of them know that in fact Lily was first. She will always be my first. She will be our family’s first.
Its something I guess I need to work through, but tonight.
Tonight my heart hurts.
I did not realise how much of my grief was riding on the shared experiences we have had. You had a miscarriage abd four weeks later I did as well. For a very long time, I used the strength you showed to get through itTht hen today, I found out you and your husband recently saw the safe arrival of your son, a gull 7 years after your miscarriage. I don’t know if you wewe unfortunate like I was to suffer any more losses, but I sure hope not. To know that you finally became a mother has seen a deep sense of peace settle over me in regards to my grief journey.
I packed away all of the pices I have in my home into a box. They will stay there.
dare I say it, but I suspect I may be ready to completely move on. To put this chapter behind be. To embrace what the future holds, children or not.
thankyou N. welcome O. Be amazing. Like your mamma.
How can this so very true image have caused SO much grief in the “interwebz” world? I have seen some hideous comments made, including “how dare you post a photo of a dead baby” and ” you are having a pity party” and that WE are the ones who need to learn to take a joke….In our community, when we read of someone announcing a pregnancy early, prior to 12 weeks, we don’t immediately squeal and begin to buy baby clothes. We mentally and physically cross our fingerd and hope and pray like crazy that these people announcing a pregnancy on the first day of April do not EVER EVER EVER experience the loss of this newly announced pregnancy.
And then??
Then to have revealed that it was “just” a joke, after having messages of congratulations and well wishes from people like us just wanting them to be happy hurts like anything. It DAMN HURTS to have those wishes thrown back in our faces.
The picture is not made with the intent of telling people “NO! YOU CANNOT HAVE FUN EVER!”, it is merely asking people to think before they post. People have argued that “ok, so if we can’t have a joke about being pregnant, does that mean we can never post a picture of a meal we are eating or a new car, or a marriage, because there are people out there who will never ever be able to understand that?”
Thinking before we speak would solve a lot of problems!
For the record, the baby in the picture is very very alive, the picture is just sepia toned, and for the few people out there who thought we were just having a “pity party”, there were hundreds of people who merely told Carly “Thankyou for putting our feelings out there”.
I could not agree more with them. Thankyou Carly. ❤
It was a hectic toy today, one of those ones where you feel like you are chasing your tail. I had 20 students all vying for my attention, and lo and behold, I just happened to run out of enough copies of the activity I wanted them to do. I raced into the office to photocopy. And of course, of course, the printer was out of toner. I sighed and had a a little rant to the other lady I work with.
She seemed very quiet so I checked to see how she was. She told me she had contacted an old friend of hers who had recently seen the death of his daughter. She seemed very unsettled so I looked over a beautiful letter she sent to her friend. She said to me that she wasn’t entirely sure if she had said the right thing. In this letter, she let her friend know that she too had lost a baby, a daughter, and simply said she was there when he needed her.
How much more perfect can you be?
All I said to her was that it would be exactly what she would have wanted to hear following the loss of her daughter. I then told her about my experience. Of all the people she could have asked!
i felt relief. I felt less alone. I seem to meet people who have suffered the loss of a baby. I wonder if it is our babies aligning the stars for us to all meet at some stage on our grief journey.
One of the things that most stuck with me was the fact she admitted she never truly began to heal until the birth of her second child. I feel the same. I know my heart will one day heal. I just wish I did not have to wait.
Always on my mind! I know in my heart that a baby for myself and DF is another 4 year away.
I have things I want to do. He does. We both do.
I want to go back to Seattle for a month in 2015. We want to travel to visit family on the east coast. We want to have a reasonable amount paid off our mortgage. DF and I want time to be “us”. I want to have 5 years of teaching under my belt. Well, now its 4 years. I want to sleep, drink wine, spend money on clothes. I want to be selfish for a little longer. I want us to get married. I want our car paid off.
But that doesn’t mean the maternal side of my brain isn’t screaming at me every chance it gets.
A baby for us, while it would be so very loved, would be a disaster for most other aspects of our life.
It doesn’t mean I don’t secretly hope it happens.
Baby brain or what!
Oh Seattle.
I wish I could re-wind back to the moment when I first got to see you, and stay there.
I don’t know why I have never really blogged about it, but now I am ready. It is a time in my life that I now continuously dream of.
It began in Jan of 2012 when I told my beautiful friend K I was coming to the US, whether she liked it or not!
The countdowns began, and before I knew it, it was October 10th. I got on a flight that took me to Dubai, and then across to Seattle.
48 hours and two flights later, I was in Sea-Tac International airport, bewildered, lost and trying to find someone I had never met in real life! Exhaustion clung to me like no-body’s business as I tired to work out where K said she’d meet me.
It took me a few goes to work out which baggage claim I was to meet her at, but I did it. I saw her, tall, hair loose, with that look people have, all people, at the airport as she scanned the crowds searching for me. I clapped eyes on her, recognising her instantly. She must have seen this exhausted looking woman looking at her and clicked! I am sure it must have been a little creepy!
As she walked towards me, and I her, I broke down in tears.
This meeting was a long time coming.
The losses of 6 babies between us, an internet friendship of 5 years, $3000 on flights and about 5 days total travelling time, we finally got to meet.
I am pretty sure I started to shake as I cried, and she just stood there and hugged me tight, until I calmed down!
She said it was like meeting a long lost sister, and that was exactly what it was to me as well. Nothing awkward, just a feeling of FINALLY. Finally, we got to meet after all these years!
We got to spend the day in Seattle before heading back to where K goes to uni. Seattle. It was AH-MAZING! The day I flew in, on the 11th, it was SUNNY! It would seem that I brought the sun with me! I was so fatigued with jet lag, that there was no point in me sleeping, so we went to the mall! I don’t think it is any different from what we have here, but it was still pretty cool to visit shops and see the brand names made famous to the world by movies.
I got to shop at Macy’s, and later in my trip, much to my delight and K’s amusement, at WALMART! So. Much. Amazeballs!
We also paid a visit to a special beach, Edmonds, where the water was still as anything, and the air was so beautifully cold it hurt to breathe for a bit!
I can’t remember what time I went to bed on that first day, but I know it was late. I think I slept for about 7 hours, which was so so so needed!
After K practically dumping a bucket of water on me to get me to get up, we had coffee, breakfast and saif goodbye to her lovely family as we went to explore the city of Seattle.
We went outside to a cloudy,overcast day, and drove into the city. It is an amazing place, and I am looking forward to another visit! K took me past where the original episodes of Grey’s Anatomy were filmed ( that being the other reason for my visit), drove past the Space Needle ( we didnt have time to visit the inside of it) and visited the Pike Place Market, which was awesome! A few souveniers later and it was time for us to get into the car and head to K’s home.
The drive through the mountains of Washington State was something I cannot even describe. It was so cold and rainy, that this incredible mist hung over the massive mountains as we wound our way through them. It was bizzaire for me, driving on the other side of the road, and once we hit the open fields, I would freak out quietly, thinking the cars in the opposite direction were going to hit us!
I still managed a nap on the trip. After a 4 hour drive, we got to where K and her DF live, a lovely little apartment. I finally got to meet their pup, and we settled in for the evening.
I know I woke up early the next morning,as I was still on Australia time. It was dark, but HEY! I was wiiiide awake. I know the jet lag was hard on K, as it was hard for me, but it was ok! It took me about a week before I got settled.
I was supposed to make a trip to West Virginia, to meet the very first person who helped me through losing Lily, but due to circumstances beyond our control, it did not happen. This resulted in manic emails to my travel agent in Australia, and a little extra money, but I got to spend an extra week with K and her DF, and meet some of his family! I was also lucky enough to be able to go on campus with K, and sit in on a lecture. K told me after returning from classes the next day that her peers were fascinated by me! It would seem they dont come across too many Australians! LOL.
Most importantly, we got to spend October 15th together. Each year, we share the day together, but this year. Oh goodness. What a special day. We made flags inspired by Carly Marie’s prayer flag project, and personalised candles for our babies. It was a bittersweet day, but one I am so very glad I got to share with her.
K sent back her flag with me to have it photographed by Carly. Such a special moment for her, I am sure.
The only let down for the whole trip was the fact I didn’t get to see snow!
It was forecast, but it just wasn’t cold enough!
So, the plan is to go back in January, 2015.
I long for that day.
I just hope I get to see her before then!
Wow. March already!
I haven’t made a post on here since DECEMBER!???
It has been a crazy few months, with a lovely, wamr family Christmas, a wonderful new year, two new jobs in the space of a month, and a move to a new town! Whew!
No wonder I am exhausted!
No news, not that there is ever news, on the baby front. Had a few weeks where I thought it was possible that we had fallen, but no, it was just my body screwing with me for skipping my inactive sugar pills in December to avoid a christmas-day period. Serves me right.
DF and I were having a conversation last night, and I brought up a study I had read about 26 being the “ideal” age for TTC and raising a baby. He flat out said no, as this would be only another 2 years or so away for us. 27 he said. I turn 24 in May, so not far away now, right!?
Ideally, we’d like to have a fair chunk of our mortgage paid off, and a little money in the bank, and I know this. But it doesn’t stop the waiting, the wishing, and the hoping.
Our home is weeks out from being finished! It’s super exciting!It looks amazing, just as we hoped it would. Currently waiting on a completion date so we can move in!
The move in will be hard though, as I have just taken up a country teaching position here in Aus. I’ve moved 600k’s away from my life, my home, DF and my family. But at the end of the day, I am teaching. That is what counts. I think I like it. Definitely better than being a checkout chick. By a long shot.
It’s a tough gig, but thankfully, I’m tough!
It will be worth it when we are saying our vows in October, and I will be able to teach at my pick of schools. I have to keep reminding myself of this.
It will hopefully also see me return to America in 2015 ( HOPEFULLY 2014) to see K again, especially given her heartbreakingly amazing post from when I was able to vist! ( http://mommyofoctoberangels.blogspot.com.au/2012/11/i-miss-her.html )
I honestly must write about the trip, I don’t think I did. But god I miss her. So very much!
March also sees Lily’s 6th EDD/birthday. The 17th of March always leaves me feeling empty, sad, and thankful for my daughter and the changes she’s made to my life.
As a teacher, and as a human being, the school shooting in Conneticut, US, has left me rattled, and asking the same question as the rest of the world- why?
What posessed a 20-something year old man to kill not only his own mother, but then to gun down 20 primary aged children and their teachers?
As a teacher myself, I can imagine the pure ice cold fear that ran through those teacher’s veins as they tried, as a part of their duty of care and as a caring person, to protect their tiny students from the horror that was being unleashed in their school.
The very unlikely but all too real threat of an armed person walking into the place where we work, where we teach, where we spend our lives as students and as teachers, is something that terrifies me to the core.
For these students and teachers to have gone through this, some suriving, some not, is not something they and their families are going through alone. We are with you.
Losing Lily 