Category: Family


5 years on…

This time 5 years ago, my world had been ripped apart, my baby died.

I had spent almost 3 weeks prior to my miscarriage thinking, dreaming, hoping, fearing, planning. I had a list of names, both for a girl and a boy, I had a way of telling my parents, I had the next 12 months planned out- postpone my studies for a year and then go to uni. People studied with babies all the time, right?

In the early hours of the morning, on the 10th of August in 2006, I woke up to incresingly worse cramping, and bedding covered in blood. It was like something from a horror film, the tomato sauce thing, except it was worse than that. I was pregnant, and at the tender age of 17, I was thrust into the world and language of miscarriage and grief.

I showered, washed the blood away, only to make more, all the while, numb.

At the time, I lived at home with my parents. My mother dropped me to school early, a lie-the first of many- that I told that day, wishing me a good day as I got out of the car.

When I knew she couldn’t see me, I walked the short distance to the emergence department, where I was told “Your baby died, I’m sorry. But you’re young, so it was probably for the best.”

That was the beginning of my journey.

Its taken me 5 long years to accept the hand I have been dealt, and this year, on the anniversary of my first miscarriage. Each year, this day hits me with an overwhelming tide of emotion and grief.

This year?

This year is ok. This year, I am ok.

I am ok.

Lily Natalie Anne, you came into my world as such a surprise, and left it too quickly.

You will forever be my first baby, my love, my inspiration.

I love you.

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That maybe, maybe, in the future, everything will be ok.

It was beautiful.

I dreamed that I was in labour, gloriously 9 months pregnant, with a friend, delivering a baby.

I could feel everything, even when my friend ( i have no idea who it was, I just knew I trusted her to be deliveing my baby) cut the umbilical cord when the baby was delivered.

She held to me, a tiny, perfect baby, crying with life and vitality.

It was a little girl.

I cried as I held her to my shoulder and whispered, “Hello, darling.” to her. I cried with relief that I had finally done it, had a live baby in my arms.

I then rang my parents to say that she was “A little girl!”, with a massive smile on my face.

My baby and I spent time bonding, getting to know each other, and all the jazz that I assume goes along with birthing a baby.

I woke up from that dream.

I felt happy, and sad all at the same time…But, it gave me hope. I wonder if, in a way, my subconscious is telling me that one day, I WILL get the baby I have been waiting for…One day.

It’s beginning to be an “every second night” thing now, where I dream of either being pregnant, or giving birth to a baby.It’s beginning to get a bit ridiculous. And not to mention, unfair.

I dreamed that I was in labour. The pain was so intense that I could not stay in one spot, and every contraction rocked me to my core. I could FEEL every single one people! In my freaking dream, I could feel the contractions. It was intense. Everything was so detailed and “real”. I could see and feel the sweat beads on my skin, on my legs, on my forehead. It was all so real.

No wonder I woke up exhasted this morning.

After it was all over, I went to see my baby. He- I think it was a boy- was in the NICU, something was wrong, but he was doing ok at that moment. I think my mother was with me.

I must have woken up some time after this, the images from this very real, intense dream, still rolling around in my head.

I can’t erase the images of this.

Deepdreamer

How can you be perfecty fine one minute and telling memy attitude is “not fucking good enough” the next? And THEN be totally fine the next? HOW does that work!? 

DF and I had a fight- over the phone- about something that started out as so trivial… I did a favour for my friend and the we began arguing about how I do too much for other people and get nothing in return…I dont know why I do it. Too keen to please maybe? Long story short, I was trying to explain the whole confusing situation to him, and apparrently I get this “tone” in my voice. Before I know it, he is telling me to shut up because he refuses to talk to me when I am like that…

LIKE WHAT???

I try again, to explain it in a calmer tone,  but the moment is gone. I just want to get off the phone before I get angry and say things I don’t mean… As usual, I can’t help it- I cry. I think it gets through to him and he eases up. “Sorry” he says…it can’t take it back, all of the things you said.

He carries on as normal, all the while I am thinking “please just go away…please let me cry in peace…” and he tries to cheer me up.

His piece of ‘cheering up news’ was to tell me that his friend and colleague at work, his partner is pregnant, about 12 weeks along….the exact amount that I should have been with Speck….I cry more.  He asked me if I was ok, and I said yes. It hurt alot, knowing that her baby will be due at the same time as mine should have been….What a horrible weekend. I slept well that night, needless to say…I slept the sleep of the exhausted. Crying takes a lot out of me….

He thinks everything is fine, but I am afraid I cannot forget… Yesterday was a hard day of trying not to let our fight get to me…I knew that if someone so much as looked at me wrong, I would cry. I spent the afternoon chatting to other mums and taking it easy. I have a new book, so it distracted me from the real world.

Hopefully this sad, down mood will lift and I can feel like I want to talk to DF. I just can’t talk to him at the moment….I can’t.

I can’t win 😦

Deepdreamer

Here’s a list of the things I have going on in my life right now that are making me stress out a bit…

-Finishing uni for the year- I have 2 assessments and 2 exams to go- I finish by the in Novemeber

-Finding a house- to rent (!)

-Talking about Speck with DF- I can’t talk about it….

-Friends- trying to catch up with everyone is just not happening…

-Angel Mums and Dads- trying to be supportive and ‘there’  through  FB, all while trying to deal with my recent loss. It’s hard work and I feel as though I am neglecting everyone, in particular, Kirsten… ( love to you)

to take a little break from internet world for a few weeks. I think it will do me some good, maybe help break the FB additction? Well that, and the fact my internet credit has expired for the semester probably helps 😉

It has been nice being able to just jump on here and blurt out whatever comes to mind. It has also been nice watching my list of followers slowly slowly increase. I like to think that I am making a small difference to just ONE person, somewhere with what I blog about…That little tiny difference makes it all worth it.

I’m off home for a few weeks to visit my friends and family 🙂  Then my first Professional Practice as a teacher! How exciting!

I hope to keep active, but I am thinking updates will be few and far between. Stay safe and happy, take everything one day at a time.

xxx Deepdreamer

I thought I’d quickly bring anyone who is interested up to speed. I’m still alive.

DF and I are currently going through testing times, pardon the pun. We may or may not be pregnant.

I’m scared and he is scared, but we’re waiting another week or so beofre we drag out the pee stick.

I have all the symptoms- morning ( all day) sickness, sore boobs, exhausted by 3pm which means lots of naps, a coffee sensitivity and a late period.

I am still so young, and not ready. I keep telling myself it is nothing, just my body playing up, but there is always a nagging thought ‘what if…’

I love to think of the whole baby growing, huge belly, someone entirely dependent on us, but on the other hand…My career. My life now. There is no room for a baby. Then I’d also be right back where I started- in my home town, broke and pregnant too young…

I will know for sure in about a week, but I’m sure this post will be just me worrying, rather than saying my suspicions are correct… I’d give ANYTIHING for a baby, even now., especially given everything I have been through…I really am confused!!!