I find myself quashing the thoughts I so very frequently have- about having a baby, about not baing able to actually carry and keep a baby.

I find myself mentally trying to shake myself out of it, screaming inside of my head ‘It was just a miscarriage- get over it!’ I then physically shake myself- THAT is society telling me that it was just a miscarriage.

 To me it wasn’t just anything. It was the loss of a life, the loss of the future. My hopes, my dreams, for my baby shattered- twice. TWICE. I dread the day- and the fear, and the knowledge, when I can say that I have lost three, four, five babies- god knows how many, and when it will end. It will be the day that I close off completely, shut off from everything, from the world. Twice is enough. Please. No more.

How though, does it work, that I seem to be feeling ( in general) better- mentally, physically,emotionally, about my latest miscarriage? How come it seems to be easier- if such a thing exists? Maturity? An ability to cope better? Resilience?

 I believe it was wearing my grief like a coat for three years- everyday, I wore this coat. I still do- but now, it is more of a cardigain- light, but still there.

I think wearing a heavy coat allowed me to shed it for a cardigain.

It helped me handle my latest loss easier.